there is a lot unsaid in this beauty of just getting things done. I am always amazed at how consciously or unconsciously we find ourselves doing whatever things we can control in the midst of times where most is quite literally out of our control. i remember that when we first learned of our infertility that I immediately wanted to grasp for the best diet or keep the house especially orderly because i needed to do anything that was actually in my power to do. because the in-between moments are sticky and painful and i resist being in them at great cost.

the girls were wild today, like off the hook between bickering and tired and couldn't figure out how to make things work together and at one point i actually heard Hannah say something about her nerves which totally cracked me up and clearly she hears me say my nerves are racked. poor girl. i needed a drink, a long bath, a massage, a long run, something. here we were muscling through the purging and cleaning and restocking for new baby and in the inbetweens were two wild children and a doctor's appointment for Amy that reminds us again of hardship ahead and also lets her know of new concern for kidney and spleen. Amy reports the details outloud and in the same breath i ask where to stock all the baked good products and Aaron goes up to finish a next coat of paint. and it doesn't feel uncaring or denial it feels more like coping or hanging in there although i don't love either of those terms. we are just so scared of all the unknown we just.. well.. hang in there.

after rearranging rooms, buying new toy storage systems and the first few things for Bea's room, we take our weary bodies and my large glass of red wine and sit down with the book that arrived in the mail that was a recommended parents guide to babies with down syndrome. we are hoping that after all the possible warnings of what may be we will also read chapters and chapters about their unique strengths - oh me, the truth is, even with all this, the day is nearing end and it was good. we are thankful for the chaotic girls because it means we have Sadie and Hannah and we are thankful for all the house purging and renovating because it means we have lots of stuff and we are thankful for each other, a very loving little crew that scared as all get out will also do and learn whatever we need to for little Bea and each other. we close the day content and actually thankful for our portion.