i stared at her with her lime green t-shirt, her name in blue puffy paint on her back and her too tight bathing suit wedging her little rear. i watch her as she sits in reading time at vbs, but mostly spends the time looking at other people and giggling seeing if they will notice her. i prep for her first dentist appointment which she completely takes in stride, tentative but brave, and stoked about the pink toothbrush and ring she got from the treasure chest at the dentist office. i choke back tears as i realize after her first swim lesson when she tells me 5 times on the way to the car with bounces in her step, "that was so fun mommy!" that i haven't seen her that happy in a long time. i see her fury and her perseverance, i see her disobedience and resistance, i see her sweetness and hope. i am on the emotional ride of my life with this full time staying at home thing. its a ride. and literally i cannot quit, no option for a resignation, this is my girl. and i'm thrilled and scared to death.

i feel silly how often i speak from both sides of my mouth but that is really what much of this feels like - the most challenging fabulous beautiful lonely discovery. and much of it is being done while holding my breath that my girl is happy. that someday she'll forgive me for the lack of patience or the the resistance to playing dolls 900 times. that she'll forgive me for the dread she may see in my eyes on the days i don't know what to come up with by ourselves again. that i too am lonely. that i hope like heck she'll remember perseverance and effort, that she'll remember the tiny victories.