You know its going to be a great day when you cry watching Kelly Ripa's 15th anniversary celebration on TV and they do a slideshow of her family in those 15 years..And you never watch the show, or have seen her family, or know any of her story. We women can just have some *special* days where we tear up at basically any commercial ten minutes after snapping at our person for no real known reason. Awesome.

Anywho, no transition here but moving on. This morning I returned from running the lake and both kids were on the front porch in the rain waving. It was actually darling, and I knew I had pushed the time a bit and we needed to bust it for the morning run around. Hannah was wearing one of her dad's tshirts which has become her favorite pajamas and Mateo was dressed in dark blue pajamas covered in planets & stars with a bulky diaper and he is rambling on and on with absolutely no words that I can understand but plenty of facial expressions to go with them. I feel so glad to see them. These beautiful needy disruptive joyful loving mini's.

Yesterday was a significant day for me. In a couple ways, but for now I will play out one. My plans for the day were foiled again when I awoke to find Mateo sick. I do not realign super easy these days, so i found myself loitering through the house trying to find my way to this unscripted day in the rain with this sick baby. I was supposed to have the day with my dad doing various projects and making an IKEA trek. As i was driving around thinking about how I am really struggling with patience and self control on these days with Mateo. I thought through the fact that Stephen and I spent almost 8 years as a couple before welcoming a new person to our family. And then we spent 7 more years learning with Hannah how to be a family of 3. And then once that was on a roll, we welcomed a 4th family member. And we are in disorder. Of many kinds. But the very last thing I could say is we are on a roll. And that's okay, only, I am not acting like it.

I shared with my dad my disappointment at my responses to foiled plans and more disruptions everyday with life with this new small human. My dad very gently and passionately basically brought me to a come to Jesus. And I need to write it so i remember it and then I need to dig deep and think. He began, "I remember your mom and I learning at a Crabb conference decades ago about our goals in parenting. And I remember frequent instances of when I realized that my goals were connected to people and how harmful that was to them and to me. So for example when I would bring one of you kids with me to a meeting or a gathering of importance, to prove to others that i was a good dad and I had good kids I expected you to behave just right, but then one of you were arguing or on the floor or anything else, I would be very upset. And I learned that I was upset because my goal was for respect, approval, and order and i felt exposed. And I had made one of you kids a goal rather than the goal being how i could bring glory to God on that day through how I treated you and the others around us. And that's the thing Ashley, the real goal for us is honoring and bringing glory to God and living out these days believing that whatever we are doing that is the ultimate goal. Not that Mateo be perfect or that your house be tidy and your food always healthy and right, but that in your day with him, when he is sick, how could you bring glory to God by the way you respond to Mateo not feeing well? or falling on the ground in a tantrum? How could he see care and love and compassion? Sometimes I have to take a step back and think through when I am responding with anger or impatience, why? what did i need or hope that did not play out."

My dad actually went on, and I was silent. totally silent. Because I NEEDED to hear this story. And I TRUST his heart for me and my family that he was saying this in kindness and hope for me. Not as a correction or a lesson but it really felt like he was sharing his heart and learning with me. And I was speechless.

I am not ready in my own heart to spill all the beans here but my goals still largely operate from the many years of being with this smaller unit and valuing above most else - efficiency, order, progress, and down time. Those goals match raising two small kids like peanut butter and tar. Slim chance. I do not at all believe that I am to spend these years denying myself at every turn and that glory to God only looks like taking myself out of the picture. I don't believe that. I believe that the glory includes kindness and honor to myself as a mother, and right now especially, as a deeply grieving woman. But I believe it is both and my other eye just wasn't open. The days are always about getting to order or just getting to the end. And there is such beauty, such glory in even considering, even letting my mind wander, on what it would look like to more fully own what God hopes for these days with Mateo and Hannah. What these disruptive beautiful humans and me can be up to together for good and for life - not for order or efficiency. And likewise, because of the huge heart of my God, what it looks like to include myself in the goals in a way that is kind not connected to achievements.

I MEAN DAD. Seriously. Just lay it out there. Thank you. So Much.