the peonies are blooming there full and soft openness from the kitchen table, inviting me to beauty with the sun resting on the petals. i am out of practice to rest and reflect beside them. i have this odd feeling like i am sitting beside myself saying, spend time with me, slow down. i sped up to a level that once used to be what drove me and excited me but now that speed takes too much from me. so this morning, i pour the coffee, i find a book of poetry and the bible and I make space. and immediately i want nothing else to do all day but to sit here with these keys, books and coffee.

there are a lot of good things to report actually. i do not feel swallowed whole by circumstantial trial, although we are still in the thick of many many transitions and unknowns, they no longer carry the same weight they once did. one day at a time to my body and heart. and for today, the sun is out, the coffee hot, my precious 5 year old is in her last few weeks of preschool, Stephen is on a break between his contract and his full time job beginning, i am in the throws of a end of fiscal campaign at work.

So, start with the little one, i cannot speak without wanting to glow when I think of Hannah right now. She has changed so much this year and I love doing life with her. She remains curious, observant, she loves to laugh and has developed quite a good sense of humor, her sass needs some channelling but i am not one to feel upset with a little feistiness here and there. she has connected so much more with her own longings this year and seems to both love lots and lots of activities and people and prays nightly for siblings and bunk beds, while also seems to be at ease for family hikes and afternoon rest. She is taking her first gymnastics class as well as swimming and seems to love both. She is fun, kind, thoughtful and determined.

to me, Stephen gets more handsome everyday. i feel fairly sure its because my respect for him has grown so much as I have watched him in the last two years. In a season that i thought might kill us he has actually come back to life. he surprises me with some of his initiative, generosity, discipline and perseverance. i appreciate on a whole new level doing life with him. Right as he was due to finish his contract with Eddie Bauer and we were unsure what was next, they offered him a good job. He accepted. It feels crazy to think that he is a real full time employee again, and to reflect that while it seemed to happen incrementally and in month by month sections, God has provided for us all along the way. Great is thy faithfulness. I think more than anything i have also grown in my awareness that Stephen sees me and in that he does not tire to pursue me. Sometimes its hard to accept, but on the whole I am so moved by his care of me.

the time is dwindling as i reflect here and i knew it would happen like this. i don't know how to get to the guts right now and part of life in the exterior right now means im not exactly sure what all is going on for me. i am in an in-between place with a few battles. it is hard to take in how much my relationship with my mom, and really even my dad, has changed over the last year as we have grievously walked in life with stage 4 cancer. we are in a place right now that feels hopeful and a place of good news and part of my body and mind don't know how to sit in this in between. We are not what we all used to be and yet we are also not all lost and changed and we have no idea how long this flat surface will last. (and i have more to say and process but i have to get up and in the shower and off to the bus and off to work, shoot, so tbc.....)