I asked my mom on so many occasions, “what’s the point in discovering the past? Why bother looking back? Why try to remember what you have forgotten? Look forward, if things are okay, they are okay, don’t create problems.” Truly, for years, I asked these questions. Aggravated at the way it seemed other’s pursuit to reconcile the past in any way was reeking havoc for my present. Me, and Elsa (idina menzel) singing our anthem.. Let it Go, Let it Go…

Enter The Seattle School. Enter Richard Dalhstrom. And for the love, enter Dan Allender. And here I am in the thick of a wrestling match I thought I had no time or desire to be near. Right at the front door, still about 90% sure I don’t want to go in, but I am beginning to understand the potential return on investment of entering.

My first paradigm shift – "Our past is the only thing we actually can change" says Dan (what? NO.) Because we can take moments of harm, beauty, goodness, grief and begin to allow them to be written into the story the way that God has intended for us. These memories do not consume us or have victory over us. Instead, they can be redeemed, lamented, celebrated in a way that honors the journey we have been given and strengthens us to rise up for the future. In a way that stares them in the face and breaks agreement with any evil we are still siding with in our story and realigning with the victorious and thoughtful God. Damnit Dan.

As you know from past entries, I am also hearing very frequently that I must LET IT GO in order to GET ON. Let go of all my best laid plans and expectations of how the world will turn and what life with Christ looks like. In order to GET ON with the life God has written for me and invited me into. That this life is far more about the means than the ends.

These things are together and separate. Don’t let go of the past, enter in, more deeply and wide open than I have been willing to look IN ORDER to do whatever needs to be done to MOVE into the depth of connection available to me in relationship with Christ as I reconcile the debris of years I was hoping to keep out of my memory. AND at the same time, LET GO of what I thought this life would be like. Again, IN ORDER to sit more fully with my God and to trust and walk with Him with the steps He will offer me.

The courage, the risk, the armor needed feel too sizable for this frame to hold. And yet, I sense this movement of my soul, body and mind is also accompanied with kindness. Kindness for myself. I picture less pushing and more alongside walking with some pointing here and there, and that grace and presence are sure railings.

Also, the Spirit. I’ll need the Holy Spirit to guide and hold me, to regulate and pace me. And I know for myself that to even know this voice, I also must declutter the intake. I long to hear, I know that. And I know the love that I have with noise as well. So may again I be gentle with myself to allow the delight of noise to also be matched with a new ushering of availability.

So my friends, I’m changing my questions and my anthem. I will not let it go, I will ask where to look. I will let it go and attune my ears to learn your voice for direction.

Tell me if you want to join such madness. Peace be with you.