the step right in front

"In the morning when I rise, Give me Jesus," the lyrics I have heard for most of my life now wave like a banner over our bed. the days tire us, but everyday, in a way we have never known, we start our days by saying, Give me your eyes, your wisdom, your peace for this exact day. Never ever in my life have I been in such a stark place of needing light on the very step in front of me. 

Sometimes i picture out little family's map and i see all the steps behind, but the path ahead is not yet drawn out. We have the path that leads us to the end of the sidewalk but have no idea which way to turn from there. My months of begging to see light beyond the end of the sidewalk seem futile. Our transformed weary hearts suddenly find  comfort for today's portion and for what you have shown us in the next block. 

In James 4 he talks about patience without complaining. He talks about endurance. When the pastor starting speaking on this passage yesterday I scribbled on the program "Return to Sender" next to the title of the title of the sermon "Shining in Darkenss" and handed it to Stephen. He laughed and held my hand and the pastor carried on about endurance with patience. and again, my first thought is IM TIRED OF PATIENCE. which is terribly ironic since that is the very definition of the word. Can we ever pass this baton I think? 

And then he says, OUR light is forming through suffering. The reality of the character of  Christ in me being created right now in this seemingly lost place. in this time where i beg for light beyond the block, I see that this light is indeed shining brighter than i could ever imagine. With a magnifying glass I can now look at my map and see that the little family on the map with no trail marked before them are shining. Shining in Darkness. NOT because of us, of for peet's sake, we are hot mess accoridng to every standard that anyone we meet ask (where do you live, where do you work, what did you move here for, what is hannah gonna do this summer - blank face, blank face, blank face) BUT because of our hope, call it crazy, we too can shine in this place with so little marked ahead. 

"Wait with hope. Hope Now. Hope Always." Psalm 131