a C

we all know the saying if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all. this is turning out to be a problem for me. this is potentially part of the gaps in my blog. i can't decide what to blame the grumpiness on and i'm sure it represents a lot of unfinished things. i was recently and kindly told that sometimes its hard for me to make my way through important conversations because I am quite full of emotions. quite full of emotions that seem to never have the chance to fully express themselves, so when there is even the tiniest comment that touches them, there is a chance i may respond a little passionately. at some point i ran out of time to allow emotions to take their full course at proper times as well as i decided that i was tired of feeling so dang much. are you with me? ahh, but i don't want to be a drag. i wrote stephen an apology note a few weeks ago that he gets the end of the day woman. it's not how it should be, i know. but he does. all day i weave in and out of thoughts and people and chores and by the end of the day I can be all mixed up or quick to jump. i'm just not at my chi. i'm not at peace right now. and he is the easiest punching bag (granted he fights back the most). (: i think it's a lot work, a lot personal and maybe a lot just this phase of life. i'm feeling so average. i hate the thought of average. i always hated C's. i feel i am behind, i'm demoted.  i'm really wanting newness, i'm really wanting greatness, i'm really wanting contentedness, i want too much. unequivocally watching Hannah change keeps my spirit full. this stage is off the hook. she watches our mouths so closely when we are talking to her and she talks and talks and talks and i have no idea what she is saying. but she sure thinks its important. i get one word of every ten and it helps me try to be in the conversation. it must feel so so good to her to be getting these thoughts out. last night when we were going to sleep stephen said, can you believe we are so close to talking with our daughter. i smiled and turned over to sleep. i couldn't decide how long that was going to sound so dreamy. maybe til the first time she talks back? we were trying to teach her to count to three at the park as we were climbing stairs. we focused so hard on the ONEi don't know who to thank, Elmo? the nanny? Did we do something right? It's amazing to realize how much they are absorbing. so i remain a real mixed bag. average hoping for at least above average but honestly maybe greatness in at least one area?