i was skinny once too

i'm feeling a little hyper today with our obsession for thinness for women. this is mostly because this obsession has cost me years of my life because i admittedly am a slave to this obsession as well. Although i feel there has been some great healing and freedom over the last few years (thank you Lord! and great community!), i have been thrown back into the pit and i think this time it was because i actually got skinny. after all the illness i emerged a little lighter. Oddly enough, i received more compliments post-surgery than i have in years on how great i looked. i had multiple people actually ask me how much I lost and a few others bring up that this was a big bonus for my illness. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? do we love it that much that after complete physical hell that if i emerge thinner, than this is good? so listen, i don't know the exact poundage of what i lost b/c we forbid scales in my house long long ago, but I can tell you what i did lose, the belief that i looked okay before, the confidence that i was pretty even with a few extra lbs., and the hope that this worldly obsession would not have so much power over me anymore. dang. and you know what makes me so hyper now? b/c i carry this great fear of Hannah (and all the mini's in our hood) living this too and only receiving compliments of outer beauty if she is tiny. since i gained the weight back i cannot remember a compliment. i find myself buying great shoes in hopes it refocuses the attention. as much as i want to remove the mirror in the room, i want more to look in it and feel joy and thankful. i want to feel good in my skin, with the big tummy scar and the way more lopsided post baby boobs and pooch, with the thick thighs and the wider hips, i just want to embrace it and genuinely feel good about it. and i say these things knowing we all have our special "areas" that we disapprove of for ourselves and that keep us from seeing the truth in the mirror. oh, how can i teach Hannah differently? i'll die if she doesn't feel lovely.... can we raise these mini's differently? it probably starts by modeling good behavior which is precisely why i am afraid. i'm trying baby girl, i'm trying. can you ask the world to help me out? Sistas, let's at least encourage one another and be challenged ourselves to see more beauty. i know my treasure in heaven has nothing to do with scales.