bad parent day

time. you are not on my side. where did you go? did i treat you badly, not appreciate you? i miss you. I cannot keep up, that's the thing. for the most part I have hated myself less than i thought i would as a mom working outside the home. i was always afraid of the balance and it is a wild ride but it has seemed possible, even enjoyable. but there are many days where i cannot get home fast enough i miss her so much. there are many days when i struggle to get out of the house in the morning b/c i want to spend the day with her and i get the sense she would appreciate that too. there are many days when i finally do get home, she takes a while to warm up to me again, sometimes even pushing me away. it hurts but i know she is frustrated with me and i don't blame her. so today, on bad parent day, it was rough, i felt like a bad mom. as i was rushing home to try to get a little time with hannah before heading off to an evening work event, i realized i had no gas and i had to pick Stephen up (other car in shop) so add 15 minutes. im now running late, both for the Nanny and the event. we get home, she is a wreck. apparently she had a rough end to the day and she doesn't have interest in moving towards PH or me when we get home. after a while, she comes for me and she is holding tight. i'm late. she is hugging me. i don't want to go. i need to go. she doesn't want down, so i prolong the departure and then make the passoff hoping to be gone for just one hour and leave that event early to get home to put her to bed. rush to car, brush hair, touch up dark eyes, paint lips, and i'm there. switch gears, play community affairs director and enjoy connecting with folks all the while really thinking about hannah. event is running late, losing chance to sneak out gracefully... and chance disappears. try to text PH to keep her up a little late for me, but there is no service in the building. finally i break out but as i do i get txt from stephen saying she is going down in 3 minutes. i run. try getting out of parking garage but they take cash only, i have no cash. i want to curse the man out, but  instead i just repark and get back out and go to find an ATM. as i jump out of the car the phone in my lap hits the ground and my new iphone shatters. i clinch back the tears. i get money get back in the car and debate telling the man who has a crappy parking garage that isn't up to date enough to take credit cards (he told me he accepted checks, perfect, who carries a checkbook?) that he caused me to miss my daughter's bedtime and broke my phone. i don't say a word, i pay and i screech off (b/c that is mature). i cry all the way home. i think about all the things that have broken recently that we have no money to fix - our coffee pot, the car, our DVD player, the other car....and now i'm so foolish i dropped my iphone. nice. AND i'm a bad mom. i fly into the driveway and i see PH sitting out back and i jump out and head towards him and i have no composure. i'm balling. and i see he is upset. he immediately takes the keys and says he needs to get out for a minute, after trying to comprehend my sob story of course. he tells me hannah has been very mischievous and it has been a rough evening for the two of them. he too feels guilt. he was not patient enough. he did not have control. he was frustrated. i wish i had made it back. i come inside and realize i have to do it. i have to peek in and if there is any chance she is still stirring, i might need to pick her up and rock her. i open the door and she doesn't really move, so i stare and i hope she moves (bad mommy), and then she looks over so i pretend i'm innocently checking in and i pick her up and begin to rock her. her legs feel so long on me now, when did she get so big? i hug her close and give her a soft kiss. she breathes smoothly and deeply and relaxes her little hand on my chest. i try not to need her like this, but tonight i needed this rocking chair time. i felt like the worst mommy and i wanted her to know how desperately i longed to hold her. i pray she got the message. and we'll start the dance all over again tomorrow.