lots lots lots to say. my head feels remotely clear. it's either the steriods, medical leave, family help, or the combination of all the aforementioned that have given opportunity for my head to literally de-cloud. The de-clouding was really set into motion on day two of my sister Amy's visit. She brought up a good point that is very obvious but felt like an epiphany: i create order in my head all day long. i am coordinating unneccessary details constantly and the span of which my mind can worry about is so exhausting to hear aloud that it could bring Crohn's on anyone. As i child i worried that the 10 dolls and stuffed animals in my bed with me were not adequately covered by the sheet, i worry that the people at the movie have to pick up the napkin i dropped half way through the movie and that they may bust me for the snack i brought in from outside, and i still feel bad that i didn't let the kid mow the lawn that knocked on my door last week b/c i should be thankful he was wanting to earn his keep, and I still have unsent thank you's and my goddaughter's baptism gift from over a month ago, and i know exactly what is dirty in the kitchen right now and.... RELEASE. I know some of you know what i mean, you too are order people. And i was therefore hopeless to get more rest unless i GAVE UP a little. dr. amy's orders. she had the nerve to remind me that others are adults and can worry about themselves i didn't have to do it for all of us. then i spent the next four days in this amazing rhythm of releasing. Each morning after we put Hannah down for her morning nap, Amy and i would settle into our sofas and listen to a short sermon from Darrell Johnson on The Beatitudes. We sipped our decaf and let ourselves listen and well sometimes fall totally asleep. Then after a few hours of hannah time, small errands, etc., I would go back to my bed when Hannah laid down for her afternoon nap and literally the cotton on the sheets hugged my sagging skin and unmotivated muscles and enveloped me for hours of rest. 4 days in a row, hours of afternoon rest where i had to be woken, shake the sweat off, and rejoin the life of the living. and i am so much stronger this Monday than last Monday it is unbelievable. rest and meds DO work. who knew? the puzzling has gotten out of hand. we have gone done 4 or 5 1000 piece puzzles. today, i even went to walmart (total sacrifice of control for me to enter calmly, leave calmly) and bought another one. at the checkout counter, with my $4 puzzle, major cheap thrill, the women at the counter said, "my son and i love doing puzzles, we can do one of those in a week!" i eagerly bonded back happy to not feel like a dork, "yeah, my husband and I love them too." I felt it unnecessary to confess we do 1 every 3 days because we have no life. Actually, you know what, it's because TV is awful and i feel more justified doing a puzzle than reading Twilight, right? So anywho, I am trying desperately to get well... in body and mind. I am trying to not be so impatient for major surgery and the return of normal life. I am trying to temporarily release and absorb. At night when i go to sleep again, I actually lay there for a while and talk to God and try to listen back. I haven't had space to listen back in a long time.