I had no idea. no idea. the pain of fertility/infertility has shown its face in so many heinous forms and my heart cannot stomach this. I am angry and heartbroken. I know no one wants to hear that or knows what to do with that. i have been punished many times over for expressing anger, but i can't help it today. there is no glossing over. My precious sister, Amy, miscarried her baby yesterday at 11 weeks. She and Aaron were the bravest, joyous, faithful hopers for this little "tiger" as they called him. I was spoiled and we got time together both here in Charlotte and then in Vancouver, and we dreamed together of being mommies and raising these little cousins. we found maternity clothes and bought tiger his first pair of shoes. i feel foolish for allowing us to dream like that, i knew it was too good to be true. why did we even get that time together? i don't understand it makes the cut so much deeper. why them? i tried in my journey to avoid the why question b/c you recieve the most recited sayings from everyone - it's all a part of a big plan, it all works together for good, there is a reason for all these things. i can't quote those right now, i can't recieve those right now, i am not feeling it. i am not feeling this plan, i am not getting it. I am not okay to not get it right now, is that the real deal, that we are all just fine and dandy to be so completely clueless and out of control. not me, not right now. i know this is a downer and i know better days are ahead, but this is where i am right now. Sprouta can't wait to meet Tiger in heaven.