It was a crisp perfect northwest day and we decided to take a last minute Saturday adventure. We got onboard the ferry heading to Bainbridge island with the sun warming the dock. I took a selfie with Hannah while we were sailing. I wanted so badly to post the photo because Hannah's face glowed, but i was stopped in my tracks as I looked at my face. The lines and creases I hadn't noticed before, suddenly seeming so obvious and pronounced. as did the baby gray hairs poking out under hidden layers of chocolate hair. I felt both distraught and proud. But still, not quite brave enough to share as the face still seems somewhat new to me. So I took a second picture of just myself that I could bear. One that I try to be more gracious towards. As I looked out at all the creative beauty around me, I asked myself again if I could include myself in that unimaginable good design and beauty. Even with those deep lines.
I tell that story today because it resembles so much of what my 30's have felt like to me. Today I am 39 and i know that is not 40 but I am feeling particularly nostalgic to this decade of my life as I step with great intention into this last year of my 30's. Here's a quick snapshot of the 9 - I gave birth to my first child at age 30 setting the tone for a very new decade indeed. We have lived in 2 cities, Charlotte and Seattle, and 5 houses in the last 9 years. I've had 3 significant job moves between launching a new department at a large public university, my first go at being a stay at home parent, and directing philanthropic efforts for a small graduate school. We've been to Jamaica, DisneyWorld, Palm Springs, Victoria, Vancouver Island, Hilton Head, Asheville, Portland, Vancouver, BC & Mexico, on fun adventurous trips of which i am incredibly grateful to have experienced and shared. I've run two half marathons (one homemade and the other with a bib). I met an incredible woman who chose Stephen and me to parent and raise the son she gave life to and we grew our family to 4. Cancer moved into our lives in too prominent a place with my mother and I said goodbye (for now) to the most meaningful influence and presence of my life thus far. I attended my 20th high school reunion, celebrated my 15th wedding anniversary, and marked the 12th year of life around a dinner table with our beloved Grub Club. I met incredible new people in a foreign city, joined meaningful nonprofit boards, and witnessed the wildest ride of politics in the last 9 years I could possibly imagine.
Here's the thing, I feel embattled in my 30's, and for that I am proud of every mark on my face because I have spent a good deal of the last decade in unknown territory And also my palate is as refined as I could have ever dreamed as I have tasted and seen goodness I had not imagined on this side of heaven. I enter this last year of my 30's feeling the very sweetness of knowing both death and life in tangible molding ways. I cannot be the same and will not be the same and my life is only speaking louder and louder to what I hope will be the good I may uniquely offer back into the world because of each story I hold. This last year in particular has been a regular tension between wanting to lay down and surrender and rising with others so tall beside me that I found I had room to stretch out and up too. These 9 years have led me away from the concern of comparison and need for acceptance from those around me to a deep desire for understanding and acceptance within for my guidance and strength. And for that, I am immensely relieved and strengthened.
I see this 39 and I hope I get to meet it with intention to keep taking up space I am meant to occupy for the reasons that match the stories that have led me to this time. And only those. I'm hoping for less distraction, good boundaries, real presence, more risks, continued opening, dreaming and strong movement. I hope for space to stretch out and up and a little less time down and scrambling. So today, I found myself around a table of woman enjoying grapefruit mimosas and dark coffee and we laughed and shared stories that mean something to us and we received them from one another with delight. And I think, yes, 39, yes closing out this decade, let's do this!