Here is my life God. I don't know.

How much letting go of our expectations before we actually let go. How white knuckled is my hold on my plans for myself, for my people? How open am I to the continued discomfort that will most surely leave me unquestionably in the will of God because I know it doesn't match my will?

I am still always waiting for comfort. I put a lot of effort into pursuing and thinking about the moments of the day that will have ease. I cut my day up into chunks and think, okay, I'll get to breath, rest, break from 6-7am, 1-2pm, 9-10pm and I operate through many parts of the day to get to the part that feels most like pleasure. Only that striving for those hours doesn't feel like real life. And to need them so badly has me really messed up when that precious time is waylaid because a child doesn't sleep, is sick, has a bad dream, wakes early, and so on. Or a friend is in need and that hour needs to be a phone call, meal prep or letter writing and so on. The point is can life be richer with an open hand to the whole day? Can I see the acts of each part of the day as their own opportunity to be more alive - at breakfast with the kids, while driving around in the car to school or grocery or piano, playing on the ground with trucks and airplanes, cooking, and cleaning? What's in these other pieces of my day that actually have me leave my body a bit because I am always just working towards the comfort? And how is it that I have I set up my days to be so needy of the dangling shiny jewel rather than alive in all and not expectant of the shiny jewel?

I see this in my daughter day's too, the waiting for the next treat. When can I have a show, a cookie, a cuddle and so much of the day is spent lobbying for treats that there is a lot of life missed in between because ultimately she too is pursuing comfort. Let me say that doesn't feel all wrong. I don't actually think enjoying and taking comfort in the day is wrong or that God does not have it in His will that we have comfort and pleasure.

Only I also don't find often that God has promises for this life in this world to be one that is comfort-filled. That's actually the carving out and longing for heaven. Here and in so so so many stories in the Bible are examples of lives filled of persecution, waiting, loss, confusion. So why would I read these stories and be lead to believe my life will be filled of ease and treats? And actually I do believe i have a life full of ease and treats in many ways, i do, it takes me ten seconds to think of the riches in my life. ONLY what I am feeling and thinking about is more about the full disposition of my days, the expectation of my days, do I enter them thinking - Here is my life God, I don't know - and then take the ride? Or do I lay out all my beautiful plans including the perfect parceled hours of ease and set into life with the expectation that my plan is good and should unfold accordingly?

That's my thoughts for today folks. Can I be a comfort seeker and a seeker of God's will? Maybe. Somedays. Yes AND. Or not until Heaven?