a new place in the desert

​we are here. we are where i thought we would not get. it is where i had no pictures in my mind because we weren't getting here. but we are. last week before Amy and Aaron left they said, "well, you are still in the desert, BUT it's a new place in the desert". me = hmpf.  and its not the end of the world. Ahhhh.

Actually the sun came out today and the warmth has hugged me all day long. i try not to be greedy in my desire for her and when she is out, we do not waste an hour without one another. ​ I thought this day would be dark and you have reminded me, again, how powerful light is, how much the shadows tell us.

He woke up early and cracked the curtains as he began to pray. Today he decided he would go down the rows of desks and computers and pray for all the names he could remember behind those desks. with his bowtie donned, it would be his last day to walk by them, to wave and half smile, to have awkward conversations and share sugar treats in the break room. PH wasn't going to walk out of there hopeless, as I had pictured (so sorry my love), no he was walking out of there head bowed in a different way. Not down because of defeat, down because the next place he is going (which I was hoping he could scream in their faces) no, the next place he is going is back on his knees, to ask again, "where do you have us God?" and I beg with him in my quiet time that follows, "direct our steps". ​Oh Lord please shine the light a little brighter on this ever darkening trail, in fact, heck, grab some theater lights or torch sticks if you will, we'd be thrilled to see more than the step RIGHT in front of us.

And you tell us, its gonna be good, keep walking. Good feels far, really far. Can we pull that closer? and you say, all things beautiful in time Ashley, the gain is knowing me (Christ), all the rest is rubbish. I'm thinking a job doesn't sound so rubbishlike, but okay, yes, I can keep walking. He can keep walking, and somehow we will carry our girl along. You see her too, you love her too. im desperate for that because i keep failing her. ​

So, this less grand and still unpaved road continues and i realize today that we are okay. Even better than okay. I realized on this unpicturable day that you colored everything in just right and its not all black. music is in my ears, the sun on my back, and most beautifully your people have stepped in in so many ways and offered us rich words of encouragement and while head-scratching alongside us, they too, dig deep and STILL at the end, come up with hope, for us and with us. So tomorrow when a new chapter that i never wanted begins, we'll dig in again, and one thing i feel confident of is that your light will be there. ​

Because of that, I give up my paint and markers and all the sketches i had so nicely done, and i grieve but i move forward on the drawings from the last 5 months that have so many red lines through them and new arrows, i move forward, not with a bitter taste on my tongue or control at my hand, but i, we, move on, determinedly hopeful that we'll see the next path and that in between we won't be overwhelmed or riddled with anxiety, but steadfast in prayer and joy for what we do have - for the goodness of each other, health, food, roof, clothes, everything you give us for the day.  when he walks back through the doors this evening, i'll lift my head to meet his and wont be drowning in defeat, but we'll celebrate for today, for the last year, a race well run, a job well done. Its seems mildly idiotic to feel proud or celebrate as this door closes, but that's exactly what we'll do, and then tomorrow, we'll start over again.

​

Be my rock, today and tomorrow


i moved the carrot peels and soggy bread out of my way to get to the pile in the sink. the warmth of the water and the progress from scrubbing made the chore oddly comforting. but i kept thinking, "Lord if we get another no, if this one isn't it, what then will I think of you? Will i still sing your praises? Will i still trust your provisions?" 

i wake up early and peek past the blinds to see that the sun is up and out.  my phone tells me its 39 degrees and in the 6:00 hour but my body says get out there. so i lace up and run around the water with the early sun, the quiet paths, the fresh faces, and my song (Oceans) on repeat. the strength of my legs warm me and all the bright new colors and blooms fill my heart with a feeling of new . i am on the last leg of the run when i catch a glimpse of the snow capped Mt. Baker in all its glory. Its incredible and I have never seen this view of it because I guess I have never looked over at that point. it chokes me up, your creation so powerful. and without restraint i hope today is a very good day, that things change .

oddly in the very same breath I am starting to wonder how it will all feel when we know. when one piece of this undoneness is put back together will i still know how reliant I am on you? Will i go back to complacency or self trust? Will i make time to be with you and hear from you when i am not quite as desperate? I hope so. Please God help us remember that our need for you is most certainly not tied to these particularly confusing circumstances, our need for you is steady and everlasting. I believe You want to speak to us not only in circumstantial hell but each day. That will be new to me to call out when it isn't just for survival.

So I engage this day where the sun decided to show off your beauty and Im ready for new circumstances for sure, and afraid at the same time. Lead us gently Lord.  

chop therapy

the space in between provides loads of time in your head. one of my escapes has been cooking. i miss cooking with PH, but I love the idea of a skill that always has room for improvement. I also love to set Pandora to Patty Griffin or Indie-Singer Songwriter station and start chopping. it's therapy.

for the record and all those who know my physco-ness know this, but i cook pretty dern healthy. if you make me something tasty with butter and sugar, don't get me wrong, i'll eat it, but i can't put it in myself because im crazy. i envy Julie and Julia.

So here are some recent favorites from the last few weeks I can't help but share because they were healthy and delish and you must make your mouths happy.  and nothing takes too long, promise, that's not my flavor either. Wish i could have you all over to eat with me.

Zucchini Lasagna- http://www.skinnytaste.com/2009/02/zucchini-lasagna.html (yall know i love skinnytaste)

Beef & Broccolini - I used Flank Steak and brocollini and quinoa instead of rice and served a side of oranges.  i want it now thinking about it.  http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Stir-Fried-Beef-and-Broccoli-13212

Blackened Green Bean and Quinoa- http://cookieandkate.com/2012/blackened-green-bean-and-quinoa-salad/  ** Sidenote here - I made this with what i had, so i didn't have fresh tomatoes but I did have sun dried tomatoes and I am a meat eating girl, so i grilled Trader Joe's Pesto Chicken/Turkey Sausage cooked and sliced at the end and a grilled yellow pepper and it was GOOD people.

Orange Fennel Rockfish -i followed the recipe here and will eat it all summer.  http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Grilled-Fish-with-Orange-Fennel-...

Coconut Banana Oat Muffins - crud. i can't find the recipe, shoot. i used coconut flour and applesauce and eggs and oats and bananas and baking soda and vanilla and cinnamon... dern. next time.

Salud, Eat up, enjoy taste. My favorite part of all is when Hannah walks around the house saying - KEEN_WAH almost like a karate move.  Come see me and let me practice (i do fail) new recipes for you. 

rant. rave. soften.

someone recently told me that PMS is actually a good time to explore our most authentic self because all the things we can mask on other days we can't hide as well at the height of hormones. well i hope like hell they are wrong or else my truest self is a bleary eyed, highly irritated, sob mess with a bag of m&m's on the side. i can't get out of my way today.

i sat on the back row of the church this morning hardly believing that it was worth rallying through the 50 degree rain and crazed emotions to show up. my outfit felt frumpy and Lord knows when we last brushed Hannah's hair, but my makeup went on smooth so at least half the mask worked. that is UNTIL i find myself frantically searching for tissue in my bag because i feel a tidal wave building up.

the speaker is talking about her family's big move three years ago from Eastern Washington to Seattle (all 200 miles i am thinking), and her long wait for more children as she is now finishing first trimester with her 2nd child and she's maybe early 30's, and that life is full of uncertainties as she looks to NEXT year when her husband finishes LAW school and they don't know where they will be. Hmm. But she was gleeful and confident that as He has in the past, that God would direct their steps. I wanted to holler from the back row, FAT CHANCE or LUCKY YOU or HOW SWEET.

really you are worried about a potential UNKNOWN in your life NEXT FEBRUARY after you deliver you SECOND child and your husband has A LAW DEGREE? totally relatable. in TWENTY days we will be unemployed, have no tenants in our house in Charlotte and need to move out of our house here because the landlord has decided to raise rent 10% for the next year. We have about 5 doctor and dentist appointments that need to be booked but don't know if insurance will stretch and absolutely no idea how to plan for summer programs because we have no idea where we will be living to book them. i haven't been home in almost a year and miss sweating, chick-fil-a, and my friends so much it hurts. CRY myself a tiny river. Hide in bathroom to decide if i can make it through group time. My anger turned to deep sadness as my mind told me i cannot do this any longer. im breaking. again.

i learned a long time ago how absolutely pointless comparison is for us. it loves no one. so in the event i ever become friends with the speaker, here is my apology in advance. Your trials are significant and matter very much and they have changed and grown you. I too think God will direct your steps and I hope its good. Im just bitter as all get out today. im tired of my days. im lonely in these problems and i cannot accept my manna today. Because i am so damn tired of this. i want to know something earthly. even though i am supposed to be satisfied with all the eternal gifts you are giving me, i still want something of this earth to be working out in any of the 7 plans ive laid out. can't we pick one and MOVE ON? can we have a job, baby, house or even just a girlfriend that wants to get a glass of wine? my own words taste bitter to type because i resist so mightly this sour talking whine party. But that's me today. So bring on the m&m's.

i refresh my mask and stay for group to borrow others faith and add very little for the day. at the end of group one of the women i admire so much calls me over.  She hands me a small sheet of paper that looks like you'd put your grocery list and it has a verse on it. i can't even look down im scared i'll cry so hard so i stare at her and she tells me the verse came to her this week and she wanted to share it with me in case it blessed me. it did.  it softened me. it loaned hope. thank you shiny person.

 

Paul and James and crazy ideas like joy in trials

in so many ways i am exactly back to where i started last October, begging for daily manna, in most ways i never left.

i started Philippians this week and I am thinking about Paul. From JAIL, Paul talks about EAGERLY expecting and hoping for this DELIVERANCE, for this PURPOSE to be shown to others and himself. FROM JAIL, Paul is spreading love and living big. FROM JAIL, Paul is resting in CONFIDENCE that the work he started out there in Phillipi is not going to be lost without him but carried on because He believes that God carries on good work until completion. Paul did not take a pass under hard circumstances. Paul did not throw in the towel because how he thought it would work out didn't work out. His faith increased, his hope increased, and even, beautifully, his team increased. He believed in the work that would carry on by the open-hearted fellow believers in Phillipi. I am happy to say that included some pretty great women too. (Just as a sidenote, including back then the women were a significant part of the church and spreading the word about Jesus).

anywho, i find myself lost in my circumstances again, jailed up in my own right by these things that were supposed to be, by my loss of knowing whats next. And a lot of days i want a pass. a pass from being helpful or cheery or engaged. a pass from fully entering my days as a mom or a wife. Yet i feel so sure these are the exact days i should live most mindful of all those around me.

My girl needs me to pick up my head, look in her eyes and stay engaged with her heart and play. My man needs me to not have fear-filled thrashing evenings where words are daggers and suddenly our team is split. i want to be EAGERLY expecting and hoping all the while living today if not in the masses (which is most certainly not where my life is right now) but alive at home. i cannot hunker down until resolution appears, because joy can come right out of this home regardless of circumstances. and my people here need me in life now.

I am not beating myself up, i am encouraged. honestly. i am reminded. "Consider it pure joy, to endure trials of many kinds," says James 1:2. Trials produce perseverance. And trials reveal who we really are. That we are getting pretty familiar with in these walls - trials reveal a truer self because less guards remain standing - so the anxiety, the idolatry, the insecurity - its revealed. it comes out even to ourselves and of course to those around us, and while it most surely isn't all ways pretty in these walls, we are FAR closer to our TRUEST most faithful hopeful God design-selves than we have ever been. And in that place i find the strength again to ask for courage to EAGERLY expect and carry on good work even now. with my girl. with my man. and with dreams of what we can offer out there.

deeper than my feet may wander

even though i know how very changed we are i cannot anticipate the new rocks to fall and they quickly become an avalanche to my soul. i had it together yesterday. maybe even a little this morning. i got color on my skin from the sun and it was healing. we went on a huge neighborhood Easter egg hunt and bonded with neighbors house by house as the kids competed for eggs. we wore happy dresses and our toes showed. i went on an Easter morning run and worshiped as I ran around the glistening lake. we met a new family where it felt very very easy which was like lemonade in a desert. hannah rode her bike like a champ and her cheeks glowed with the joy of accomplishment.  we ate brunch with dreamy pancakes and lemon ricotta french toast both dressed in fresh whip cream and every fresh fruit.  all in all the weekend was lively and good.

and then today another rock fell. and i can't quite keep my grip. recently stephen and i had this image of falling upward. like we are for sure climbing an endless mountain but instead of falling down it with each card of disappointment, defeat or confusion, we still sense this movement upward. not because of us but because in the very very deepest parts of our souls we sense purpose around all this circumstantial hell.

Enter Ocean (Where Feet May Fail) By Hillsong United which literally brings words from the wholest part of my self. the falling upward, pre and post avalanche self. this song has every word I feel, even the tone, and for sure the repetition (remember how much we need repetition to learn), i wish like heck i had a voice because this would be my song. i get it down deep and hope you two can be blessed in these words. and for peet sake download it and go to a quiet space and hear it. really hear it. i wish i could send you each an itunes card right now.

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

a heart opening

i stayed up late for a week on end desperate to find a place to surprise Stephen for his birthday. And i do mean desperate. I have never in my 13 years with Stephen wanted so badly to serve up love on a plate and take him off guard in a slap happy way. I have never wanted so badly to transport all the hard work, endless dead ends and gut wrenching conversations to land us in snowy mountain serenity. it basically had to happen. 

*Reminder here my friends that i struggle with high expectations. Expectations that with effort things will work and be magical. Expectations that PH willl glow with elation because of my labor and more importantly from recieving joy. I expect that something will go down easy and soft and glittery. 

By releasing expectations I may more fully enter into hope. Hope is not dressed in shoulds. Hope is not on a timer. Hope is not deserved. Hope is scary as hell to me. Hope doesn't have boundaries or promises. Hope can partner with dissapointment. Hope is not high expectations, its heart opening. Hope lays longing out in a vulnerable way not in a demanding way. 

Everytime the clouds lift enough that i can see the snow covered mountains, hope invades a space in my heart. When i stare out into water, hope arises from my belly. But the truth is i find myself wanting to look away. i cannot consume the feeling because I am so aware of its nemisis of defeat and dissapointment. and i've run out of space for their visit. so i smush down the hope invasion and work hard to stay "realistic". 

and after so much smushing and smushing, i tire. and all the little things that at on most days seem like no big deal bring me to easy agitation and i rush for my second best friend named control. if hope screwed me over, i can always find something i can actually control. oh goodness i am revealing my cycle, please don't call me on it yet. but i know i have to stare at it directly in the face, call it by name and shove it out the door. becasue what hapens when i abandon hope, raise expectations and assert control is not pretty at all. to any of my people. or to myself.

or to my God. it puts a very direct wedge between us as i say to Him... Hoping wasn't worth it. I'm dissapointed again. Let me clean my house from head to toe and excercise harder than all the days before and then i'll find relief. because you God aren't giving me any. And just how much more hoping will be asked of me? A lifetime you say. Oh Lord, then i must be completely rewired. 

long learning curve

Glimpses of our changed selves in action are beginning to show up. while i flail around hoping for concrete goodness to share, my heart burns as i recognize some of this eternal molding happening to us.

my first prayer when this version of our world turned upside down was for swift relief. i begged that we be saved quickly, that we not experience a pain pile on. God said no. While that remains frustrating, I see now that these eternal gifts which are being offered to us cannot be given overnight.

Our hard heads and familiar routines reveal to me how much time it actually takes to learn. Time to shed off all the other layers in our way, time to windex the heart's windows until they are available for sight, time to continue unclinching our fists until we are able to hold out our hands.

The waiting isn't for the sake of waiting and to make me crazy by not being actively swift. Everyday, i have to come back to my chair and the posture i am most familiar resumes until God gently nudges my chair towards His direction. He flattens my hands and straightens my back giving space for my heart to be open. My longings rise up to early in the morning. They are quickly followed up by a checklist because at least if i can't have, I can do. As I begin to still, I sense my mind moving from all that i want to accomplish and control to a place of availability. Availability to hear, to ask, to feel, and to realign with Truth. Everyday. Because i forget by nightfall.

and this time, i feel this relentless nudge that we are going to meet over and over until we are new and the familiar position is different. i am both thankful for the persistence to pursue a slow learner and exhausted by all the space in-between.

 

nice one mom

i might have outdone myself today in an amazing performance by a new mom or mom with clearly one child. i actually had premeditated anxiety heading to Hannah's preschool today for my first parent teacher conference. First, because i regret to confess, i never went to the others because Stephen did. Shame came right away when i noticed every other scheduled meeting had both parents in attendance (even though it was midday), good work Seattle for exemplary co-parenting participation, and shame on me for not even giving PH the info if he wanted to attend. Argh. And i do need his help.

When it is my turn to enter i actually feel like a school girl entering the colorful bright room and sitting in a miniature chair to meet with a professional grown woman with a manila folder in her hand with my kid's name on it. My first thought is, please let the first sentence be positive. Since I have no idea how these things go and i am about to vomit, i just sit quiet and still.

Ms. Robbins opens by saying that, "Hannah is a very imaginative and playful girl." She goes on to pull out a variety of pieces of paper that test fine motor skills, per-academic skills, language skills, etc. By about the fourth piece of paper i realize i am literally holding my breath. and i tell myself TAKE A LOAD OFF ASHLEY this is 4 year old preschool eval for peet's sake. my self talk didn't help myself.

After receiving positive feedback on fine motor skills and excellent large motor skills, we got to social and play skills. The gist I learned here is that she only wants to play with the other girl in the class and doesn't give the boys the time of day. (okay) And that she gets very upset when things don't go her way. (shocker. not. me too). Anywho, the real kicker was when i learned that she has had to go to the office a few times because she really has a hard time sitting for circle time. So naturally, i cried. Face flood really. in my mini chair at the 4 year old parent teacher conference. Special.

the very tiniest hint that my child was waylayed and imperfect felt like it may drown me. because i didn't really have the capacity to hear anything but positivity, so of course, i cry to the preschool teacher.  and apparently, per a comment by one of the other mom's, that i seem like i have it all put together (HA, HA, HA!).

over and over i find that there is great fear in light. however, truth with grace means healing and freedom. not more fear. on top of all that, there was nothing she could have told me that could actually waylay my hope and love for Hannah. And i already knew we didn't have it made. But now we can at least laugh that i was such a cool mom at the first parent teacher conference.

Clear and Loud

i am spilling over with joy today which feels foreign and perfect all at the same time. i have pictures to paint of the weekend that you met me God, over and over, with my family, with nature, with grace for myself. in advance and always, thank you Jesus. it's weird to say you have been missing since January because I know that is not the truth, but the stark realness of separation from your voice and presence is what i have felt.

it poured raining, soaking our hair and coats every time we even ran to the car for all of Thursday and Friday. I was trying to help set up camp with Amy at her first new home in Vancouver, BC. I am so happy for her and Aaron, however i can say the dampness, the boxes and the loud needs of children seemed to win. All of our faces wanted to celebrate but our bodies and minds could not rally as they were worn from sorting out boxes and whines. All worth it I will say because I love doing life with my sister in any form. honest and less perfect than we imagined, fine, we were together. 

Cold and weary, Hannah and I returned to PH, firewood and a bag full of groceries of all of our favorite things - the no cook meal. We spread out fresh baguette, homemade blueberry jam, triple cream cheese, salami, castelvetrano olives, apple and fennel salad with fresh lemon juice, almonds, and a bottle of french red wine.  We played Zingo and enjoyed being back together. Before Hannah went to bed she looked at us and said, "I want you and you to bring me breakfast in bed." we both laughed. Mostly thinking NO CHANCE because she wakes so early, but totally endeared by her hope. She and Stephen had brought me breakfast in bed a few weeks ago on Valentines Day by surprise and I think she has been wondering when her big chance was.

Miraculously, the half-lidded eyes and fumbling hands found my iphone and read 7:50am the next morning. I cannot tell you the last time the child slept past 7, ever. We seriously wondered if she was laying there waiting on breakfast service, so we popped up and whipped up smoothies and pancakes. Twenty minutes later, we put pink flower petals on her pink tray and brought her down breakfast in bed. She sat up quickly and with a huge grin, inviting me to sit by her and enjoy breakfast in bed. Which we all preceded to do together and it was really a sweet fun memory.

Shortly after, Hannah wanted to watch her morning show and i went to have quiet time while she did so. And your gifts kept coming. i wanted to reread every sentence of the next lesson from Ecclesiastes and the coordinating commentary. i wished i could soak it in like lotion on dry skin because i was so parched to hear these words from you and they seem to come in abundance.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time." Eccl 3:11

Trust God's timing in your life. What is beautiful and good will come not a moment too soon, nor a moment too late, but according to His perfect timetable.

"Everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil - this is God's gift to man. I perceived that whatever God does endures forever, nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it. God has done it, so that people fear before Him." Eccl. 3:13-14

All that is needed is that people know that God is neither arbitrary nor unjust in His ordering of events.

Enjoy life day by day. Ecc. 3:22

Enjoy life as God allows and enjoy the process as much as the product. Life is transitory and uncertain. Treasure the moments rather than the achievements, for they may not last.

Remain victorious through adversity.

Whoa. Amen. Thank you. Okay. I'll try. These were my thoughts after reading some of the above and more. I felt reminded that this is not about my understanding this clustered life but about obedience and faith in the God I am claiming as my own. That He knows. That He loves us and sees us. That HE will make EVERYTHING beautiful in its time and for NOW we MUST live into our days with each seemingly teeny victory. the fires and smorgasbords, the first breakfasts in bed, the sunshine appearing, the extra sleep.

I could go on and on, i feel like a kid at YL camp on a born again high or something. but i will tell about today in pictures. Sufficed to say, gently, reassuringly, God with the warmth of the sun and the beauty and creativity of his creation continued to ask me to enjoy what's before me and live into the day. we kept no schedule or routine or responsibility. we adventured and sabbathed.  And it was beautiful and refreshing as my dried up soul needed.