grasping. our theme for the week.

Getting back on the bandwagon of hope is a tumultuous ride for me. Am i way too practical, linear, and a realist to believe that there is any good reason to hop back on that hope wagon? that wagon makes me feel stupid because the details of my life are not going to add up to why it makes good sense to keep dreaming and keep hoping that big time goodness is down the street. honestly i think goodness has freakin lost my address.

"Lord Jesus, forgive me when my bleeding and wounded heart causes me to grasp for life and relief from any and every source available. Instead, help me to reach only for you - that i might touch the fringe of your robe and find healing and wholeness fro the borkenness of my heart and soul." (Jim Branch)

If the bleeding woman alluded to above from Mark 5 can somehow decide that it is worth running and moving people out of her way to get to the feet of Jesus after TWELVE years of chronic pain, then I too can't give up. i cannot resign to my own devices that offer false hope of change and security or to a state of mind that is quick to fear and control. As I am learning in Ecclesiastes, a great deal of this is chasing after the wind. It's nonsense. My bandwagon of hope actually makes more sense than my tugging away at all my own resources and strength to make things right again for my family. They are right now. Because now we are most definitely where God has us.

"The spiritual life is one in which we grow out of the grasping, clinging mind into the mind of Christ. The Christ-mind releases us from our compulsion to associate personal worth with what we have accumulated." (John Mogabgab)

Well then, grow me up God, but ease my yearning for all these pretty things before my eyes of stability, fullness, and right place. I want to believe I am stable, full and in the exact right place today. Because of your presence and gentle assurance to my head and heart. Remind me we will be okay and the extended stretching will change us in ways to strengthen us for years to come. Cease the unhelpful antics of comparison and competition. I do not want to chase wind, i want to get back in wagon headed to find hope. even if the journey takes longer.

Let's SEE each other

Her kind eyes looked straight at me and asked if there was any new news. i offered a few lines of what we are telling ourselves is good, and she looked back at me and said, "I pray for you. i pray that he will get a job that is better than anything you ever imagined." my face flushed because i was so moved and i really believe her. sweet, wise Orleen, who faithfully shows up each week to our community bible study and who has shared stories of her families journey that offers me faith. I am really beginning to adore studying the bible with these women of different backgrounds, ages and current places of worship. even on the days that very little personal is shared, i am so comforted by wisdom and faith across generations and cultures. I am so moved that she took the time to look in my eyes and to pray for me bigger than i pray for myself.

i couldn't respond so well because i had this sense that i was seen. and that scared me so badly. to some extent i have been able to dig in this journey as privately as i would like that give me the real chance to hide off the ugly days. i told the tiniest bit of our story a few weeks ago with this group. I sobbed in the middle because i realized i was truth telling, i was being vulnerable and I am out of practice. this writing in many ways is my practice, but i don't know your response or expectation so it is a great deal less risky.

Being seen seems to be a theme for me this week. (SEE GOD, i caught on....). Tuesday morning in a marriage conversation someone commented that over the course of a marriage you marry like 7-8 people because of how much we change and morph over the years of marriage. Therefore for a thriving marriage we have to keep asking each other questions. i thought about how curious Stephen and I were when we were dating. While he was at JMU and I at Carolina, we couldn't just pass time sitting together, so we were constantly pursuing conversation through email and phone conversations. it was almost like we couldn't keep our hands off each other but verbally. i wanted to know his thoughts, how his classes went, what his favorite color was, what he ate for dinner, etc. etc. i was so enamored and curious, i thought i could never ask enough questions about him. 

and, truthfully, i felt a bit of a gut punch of how much opportunity there is for me to pursue him in that hungry way now. He is still worth asking a million questions to for sure.  ONLY if he returns the favor, I will be SEEN. YIKES. Oopsy daisy. and in being seen I cannot decide if i am more afraid for him to know this 5th or 6th version of his wife or if i am more afraid that I won't be able to answer most questions because that would require me to know my own heart. YIKES x2.

Sheesh Orleen and sheesh marriage lecturer. i was enjoying wearing my shades.

Look back, Hope foward

half way through another decade, check. seemingly less figured out than any decade before, check. trying not to let the bastards get me down even still, check.

i am relatively famous for dropping all the cheesy questions on special occasions, most notably birthdays. "what do you love about this person, what was the best moment from the last year, what do you hope in the next year," etc, etc. since most people don't find as much ease at setting up potentially awkward conversations, its fair to say that it is more common to pass a significant mark by without much ado. UNless your me. or my mom. or my sister. or a wilson period. or maybe even a rowe or bokowy or peter, its in the blood line, you see.

we ask even in times when it feels the answers may feel better tucked into the deepest parts of our forgotten memory. i think this is because we aren't as afraid of what's now as we are afraid of not hoping for whats to come or processing the past. pastors and counselors, i tell ya.

So, since you all weren't here to ask me and i am desperate to think today, i'll do my own questionnaire as i kick off my 35th year of life. (for starters i can't believe my parent's baby is 35.)

Best tastes of 34?

La Reve Bakery

French Red Wine

A La Mode's Carmel Pecan Chocolate Tort

fresh fruit from the tree

Best book of 34?

Half the Sky

Zoneworthy Flicks or Tube of 34?

I seriously loved James Bond's Skyfall & Les Miserables

Parenthood (dramahood, sobathon, whatever you want to call it, its good)

Good tunes of 34?

Beautiful Things - Gungor

Oh How I Need You - Sons and Daughters

Black Keys - best running album- El Camino

Be My Thrill song - Weepies

Dog days are over - Florence and the Machine

Positively stuck in my memory of 34?

Divine intervention on behalf of my marriage to relaunch us more gracious and more truthful.

My first run in Queen Anne in Seattle with all the overlooks of my new city and the flood of curiosity and excitement i felt with the new adventure that day

Being named as the best part of Hannah's day (once) during dinnertime 5 questions (TY Porters for idea!)

Learning and worship surrounded by the Ruthies at retreat on my final CLT weekend

Biggest Challenge of 34?(how to pick one.....)

Leaving a career

Leaving a full community

100 hours of dollhouse play a week

Thwarted plans, Remapping employment

Potty training and visiting every public bathroom in the world

Thing i like about myself?

that i like myself. at all. 

30's seem more honest and comfortable in my very own skin and shape and mind.

willingness to try new things. i've cooked, created, loved, listened, explored in more new ways this year than i have for a long, long time.

Where do i want to go travel next year?

Cool towns in part of Washington Vineyards & Coast

California beach

Dream - South Africa or South America

Hope for new year?

a new problem (HA!)

My hope is for the chance to know where Ph and I  can put our God given gifts to good use on His behalf. That our minds would be at rest knowing that the work of our day is exactly what we should be doing.

Some sort of physical fun challenge like a 10K or half marathon or some fun physical accomplishment

a new member for our family

Now my head might explode from trying to remember and hoping forward. Cheers to 35!

sore cheeks (from so much smilin)

i don't want to miss beauty in this disorientation. i am trying to continue capturing pictures of the everyday that make my heart smile. here are a few from the last week.

last week was far less ordinary of course because we had the great joy of welcoming Hannah Beth and Melissa to Seattle. Its difficult to describe the dear, sweet and open love those two little girls have for each other. Seeing my daughter so full of laughter and glee, as well as so confident really swelled my heart. It's so completely delightful (and LOUD) to watch them together. it was also quite a treat to have a birthday date with an incredible friend of mine and to be known and honest and eat every delicious bite. Those Miller girls are a huge gift to our life and offered such refreshment to us.

raise the other sail

the sky here today is difficult to call cloudy because you can't actually see individual clouds its as if the whole sky is one massive gray lump occasionally spitting. i am surrounded by small stacks of laundry and socks yet to be matched, a cup of hot tea and a mind with a full checklist. its my 60 minute slot everyday where i wonder what self care and family care look like and how much they overlap.

today once my body stopped, i just cried.  i have been wanting to cry and heal since early January. I find i keep losing water from my eyes with stories mostly disconnected from my own, like say... a commercial or a picture or a blog entry. but in the deepest part of my gut i have known there is tsunami waiting to erupt from what feels like the tapless emotions. i can't get in there but i am full of emotion, but not emotional. weird right. i know.

the duality of my mind is wearing me down: i am refreshed and completely lost by the disorientation in our life right now. i am bored and angered with the mononity of unanswered hope and equally with the desire that all things be answered in my time.

I just read a quote that "It does us no good to sit stubbornly with the wrong sail raised and wish the wind were different." This broke me down. I gotta lower my sail and raise another one. Luckily I am counting on more than the wind to lead me.

i have my part to play as well. the boat is unlikely to reach shore safely with me sleeping underneath, I must participate by watching, listening and responding. but i cannot control the wind. and i will be exhausted not acknowledging when it changes directions. and i don't want to float. i want to move towards something. my somethings just appear to be out of my current knowledge.

what i hear is do what's before you each day. Pursue wisdom and act intentionally. Don't get lost worrying about the wrong details. Know or better yet, have faith that what's before you is a God. A Savior. A King. He is Mighty to Save. He cares for the lilies and the birds. He is unchanging and all powerful. He cares for us.  He will direct your steps.(even when i thought i had laid out such a good course)

So, we go back, day after day, and ask to be made all the wiser of who He is and how we might find place in this grand story. and because we are who we are we beg that our place be a little less unsure and gut wrenching. and still we do not cease from asking for peace and joy in between. Shore still feels far away but even today there is much to do.

 

unraveling, debunking, birds + bees

It will come as no surprise to many of you who may be at all familiar with my sex education when i confess that I have no real idea why we call it birds and bees. I vaguely understood that to be a means of explaining sex to children, however, really? Bee pollination? Birds laying eggs? A stinger? I'm confused. Which also stays the course for my life in sex ed.

in my determination to change the course for dear Hannah Mia, I attended MOPS (aka Mothers of Preschoolers), (gasp, gasp, gasp that I Ashley attend such organized mommy gatherings) and joined with many other lovely women to learn how the heck we talk body, sex, safety, and values.

considering i thought my parents had sex three times and threw the original book my mom tried to share back at her once i got to the page with the penis on it, i think it was fair to say i was a bit undersexducated. Johnny and Sue are the bomb, however i think in sheltered ol Alabama, they didn't major in these talks. mostly the talks were about chastity.  Our bodies as a temple. which is incredible and important beyond measure. science and anatomy are helpful too. 

So, knowing my background, you know i am a newbie on the topic so i am literally talking out loud in case anyone is in my boat. i decided its important to begin with my hopes. So in short:

My hope is that Hannah knows her body is beautiful, that she respects it, that we are open to enjoy our shapes and speak positively of how we were each uniquely and perfectly made by God. His design is good.

My hope is that she feel empowered by what she knows FROM US about sex so that when she starts hearing about it elsewhere it won't seem too scary, awful, embarrassing, or whatnot.

My hope is that she is able to hear our values and thoughts about the fun and fulfillment and appropriate,safe timing of sex.

My hope is that she know a girl is about SO much more than her body. That her mind and heart matters a great great great great great great great deal.

that's my staring list.

My two things i learned today:

1. Teaching our kids about sex is NOT one conversation about birds and bees. It is more like 200 one minute conversations. It is years of short and sweet and honest that is compiled of science and facts woven with our values and emotions.  (seriously this is new news to me, why did i think it was a one stop shop)

2. I will not be ready. i am not ready. and i am not waiting for her to ask. It all needs to come sooner than I think. Beginning with like way before now introducing ideas of safety and privacy and strangers. Knowing that i want her to hear it first from us and that our courage in conversation can protect her, I will get ready.

Here is the list of resources we received today in case anyone is interested. I will begin exploring them and point out any favs, and please, share with me your hopes and resources too. pretty sure i can use all the help i can get.

 

 

 

Belle Clementine

the leather in my pointy toe shoebooties was pinching my feet quite a bit as we roamed the streets of Ballard in the cold January air. it was hard to care if my feet hurt i was so happy to have an excuse for heels and the time and space to hold hands and stroll at leisure. we had just finished seeing Silver Lining Playbook and allowed the joy of being lost for 120 minutes continue into the cobblestone streets smelling a bit of curry, beer, and sugar as we walked and waited for our reservation.

our date night included a new adventure of eating at a community table at a lovely restaurant named Belle Clementine. The chef prepares a different three course meal and pairings everyday.  And while you are busy making no decisions on what to order you meet and greet with all the new acquaintances from the neighborhood who you are dining with for the evening.

we arrived about 10 minutes early (i know, gasp) for the 7pm seating. The small venue with the chalkboard sign upon entry has three large wood tables set with fresh flowers and candles and the friendly host greeted us warmly. I over-talked (gasp again, not.) on the greeting which is becoming a bit too normal for me these days. I forget not everyone is wanting to bond, always. Nonetheless, she smiled at me, showed me where i could shimmy out of my big coat and hang our belongings in the *mud room* and take our seats. If a place could have a happy scent I swear it was there. The kitchen was wide open revealing lots of stainless steel, butcher block counter tops and simple white serving dishes and plates.

Stephen and i were seated at the last two seats on one side of a long table seating 10. Directly across from me was a very petite fit woman with strong and likable features and a large welcoming smile. Beside her and across from Stephen was a man whose face looked weathered in all the right ways, from sun and adventure, he too appeared to be very fit and had a calm sense about him. and to my left was a woman who came on her own and quickly clued us in she was a regular, she was dressed in all black with her dark brown hair neatly bobbed and her circular eyes unwavering during conversation. the other five guests at our table, i smiled at regularly, giving many head nods, but after one loud voice attempt to hear from one end to the other, i resigned myself to knowing that while i would enjoy knowing more about each person in the whole restaurant, my lot was the 3 individuals directly around me. It was a good lot.

a generous pour of dry, pearlike, aciditc white wine appeared in the vase in front of me and as i took my first refreshing sip, the salmon cake taster came out. it occurred to me that most everyone at the table was probably going to be quite agile in conversation or why on earth else would they chose community tables to dine. this relaxed me more than the wine and suddenly my cheeks felt flush as i realized stephen and i were in for quite an adventurous meal and conversation. the middle aged couple across the table from us turned out to be the dad and step mom of the young man who ran the restaurant, cute. they were proud which was endearing especially as i learned that his father was a gastro doc (i cldn't resist divulging my chron's, what lovely dinner topic) and his twin brother an economist and that both father and son graduated from Stanford. They loved  that he pursued this business of social capital through serving good local creative food in a way that created community. the couple met on an excursion in Patagonia, and although they returned from the trip and lived on opposite coasts, she in DC working as a lobbyist and he as a doc in Seattle, they soon couldn't resist life together and now live on Mercer Island near Seattle. The well- read Seattle local, highly observant and opinionated beside me was full of interesting questions and remarks. she had two grown married children who had both chosen they never wanted to have children, and she seemed highly supportive of them as well (note to self let your kids be who they want to be).

the happy flavor of the evening continued as they brought a fresh kale, red chard, and carrot salad, all ingredients he mentioned having picked up that morning at the University market. why my salads don't turn out tasting like that i don't know but i acted like a seagull and served myself seconds from the community bowl. yum. then i toured the kitchen per the invitation and met the lovely chef and she told me about the next course- sounded kinda weird but tasted like heaven - fresh cut noodles and recently delivered from Skagit, WA pork belly that had been cured and prepared for the last 5 days served with baby bok choy in a Asian inspired broth. we cleaned our bowls. it was basically off the hook bacon with fresh noodles in a spicy kimchi sauce. i thought stephen might even tip his bowl. the evening concluded with a fabulous mug of french press coffee that i shared with my new gastro friend and lemon chiffon cake with fresh whip cream. needless to say we went home full, both in belly and in spirit. it was merry.

how to stop breeding fear? more questions than answers here.

"I want to practice gratitude and cultivate joy in the darkness. That doesn't mean that I can't be afraid or sad or vulnerable, it simply means that reacting to tragedy by living in fear doesn't create empathy, it breeds more fear. " Brene Brown

I am scared. I am anxious. I am escaping the days until good news walks through my doors. my tone is not kind, my patience is thin. the very essence of what i pride myself on in resiliency or hope or fight literally seems to have escaped in the night. its like i woke up and my pillars disappeared. the things that keep me grounded. where have you gone?

did i turn you away with my timeline on faith? did i swallow you with my expectations? was it easier to be invisible than present and unseen? has pushing through failed me? why can't my mind win?

why can the words of my mouth not actually reflect the deeper parts of my heart, the deeper truth of my thought life? they are actually gentler, hopeful, more full of joy and knowing. more faithful. why is all the ugly surfacing?

i seem to have given you a small in and you rampaged my space and took me down. the wrong pride bubbling up and the fear being exposed in my spouting off?

i am so sorry to all who have to be near for this additional stretching that feels far less lovely than the last. because i am not rallying with hope, i feel determined to take all matters in my own hand and fix this undone life. all these parts that were supposed to look different, i am ready to fix.

it cannot be that your will be for us to be still. it cannot be that waiting while vultures pick on us be the plan. it cannot be that. can this count as my midlife crisis? God we heard you, we felt your nearness, you made yourself so known to our home and hearts. And now i cannot figure out if silence is just how it feels because its all so unresolved. I just don't get it God. Less because of an imperfect life but because this time peace is harder to be found. at least peace in strife made all hardship possible, but the roar in my belly and the festival in my mind wears my body and spirit. no wine or chocolate or exercise or anything takes that activity away long enough before i feel my lostness again.

i journal my prayers and i find myself staring at the page during the part i write my thanks. which is ridiculous, i have a GREAT deal to be thankful for, i have so much that makes me richer than most of the world, so why this block? why do my hands find any pause all the sudden to carry on with gratitude? it saddens me because i know it is my disposition, my mind, all that i have let flurry that offers more space to bitterness and control.

i spent the last few weeks working pretty hard to ignore depth in conversation. which is nearly impossible when your mom is Sue Wilson and your husband is Stephen. They see through things. It's aggravating. And their ability to process raw material is 400X mine. Mom has been here this week and i have been an anxious grump. and i don't want to think about it. and anytime Stephen walks through the door, where just five seconds before i felt butterflies but he walks in and i don't give him a smooch or stop my busyness.  No smooch first thing means i got some stuff. stuff playing around in my head usually leads to anxiety, thoughtless statements, and high hopes for all Stephen will do at the homestead. and even oddly enough, without communicating it, i am usually struggling with something that hurts him too.  but i manage to double hurt instead of encourage. damnit. drives me crazy.

like right now, this very night. i want him out so bad it makes my teeth ache from clinching. i don't want him to have to be anywhere that doesn't have the proper place for him. i want more than anything in the world that he have joy and place and opportunity. i want things to be good for him where he knows his worth. i want his questioning to be more about where should i serve or what sport should i pick up? i want us to dream of mini adventures to explore washington and spend the nights cooking and staying up too late. but they are laden. laden with lost.

So, my efforts in vain to fix are the misplaced response to crisis and my gut senses the fear breeding. So i close as i began, what i want, the truth in my thought life is that i want to cultivate gratitude and joy out of darkness. without this edge, without my timeline of resolution.

BRIGHT designs and FRESH courage

Even as i type i am picturing the sun beaming through my window warming my room and brightening the house. I have spent every moment since the second my eyes clicked open today thinking, imagining, begging, wishing, laughing even, and i think i cried a bit. it's only 2pm but its been a busy day.


With my busy brain i jumped out into the rain for a run. i found myself literally staring at the trees hoping they would speak i wanted so badly to hear from God, to know his nearness. i listened to worship instead of hip hop, again, hanging on to each lyric hoping pieces of my heart would make sense. i was refreshed by the run but not necessarily enlightened. Bummer.  Alas, i got home to an email from my very special Aunt Nanny that offered words that have been rolling around my mind ever since i read them. they picked me up:

Deep in unfathomable mines Of never failing skill, He treasures up His bright designs, And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take, The clouds ye so much dread, Are big with mercy and shall break In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense, But trust Him for His grace, Behind a frowning providence, He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast, Unfolding every hour, The bud may have a bitter taste, But sweet, will be the flow'r.

-William Cowper

A good bright will, a sweet flower, blessings on my head. RIPE PURPOSE, yes Lord, please. Amen.

good list

Things i keep meaning to share, that are actually good, how could i be remiss:

a. With a final stroke of holiday goodness, PH's undesired resignation was extended. again. we now have to march 1st. we are grateful for each and every paycheck and for what may appear to be an authentic hope by his employers that we land somewhere. thank you person.

b. from many many days on punchfork i am led to believe that skinny taste and pioneer woman have to be the best recipes if you are looking for inspiration. it seems particularly perfect for these cold months. my crock pot might explode soon from so much use. If for any reason i have forgotten to mention that the ABSOLUTE best thing i have learned from miss skinny taste is that no one should ever boil chicken again. even writing it gags me i have also disliked this medium for cooking. toss chicken into the crockpot and cover with half chicken broth half water and whatever salt or herbs may work for your recipe. 4 hours later your chicken will fall apart. its magic, moist and then you have shredded chicken for a soup, tacos, chicken salad, WHATEVER and you can even freeze shredded chicken if you need to. who knew?

c. it occurs to me today as i curl up with a blanket and a cup of tea and this computer, (did you really think it was sunny here? active imagination here folks), that i am really extremely blessed for this hour each day. I have two people to thank: 1. Hannah, that she is part Spanish and loves a siesta and 2. PH, that he is so graceful with me and encourages my down time.

d. In approx. 14 days, 343 hours, 20580 minutes, Hannah Beth and Melissa will arrive in Seattle. Hannah said to me, "i won't believe it when i see her here." She pretend talks to her on the phone just about everyday, always ending the calls saying, "i love you Hannah Beth." We are pretty much beside ourselves that they would come to Seattle in the winter.

e. Media distraction made possible by: Parenthood, New Girl, Scandal (im sorry, i confess im hooked), and the Good Wife. And oh me oh my, Les Miserable. LOVED it. Also have recently finished Divergent, Kitchen House, A Good and Perfect Gift, and Rules of Civility. All worth reading.

f. a wood-burning fireplace that has made this a much cozier house each evening. i do need to find a deal on the next cord of wood.

g. I'm a part of a good bible study with women from throughout the community of various ages and backgrounds and churches. its real Bible study and i like that. i have loads to learn and try each Thursday.

h. Every single cloud break where i see snow covered mountains is like a hand delievered gift.

I. My mother-in-law gave me the January Cup from Starbucks which i take up each and everyday to be filled with hot fresh coffee. Thank you Sherry, i love it.

sheesh, i got carried away, go figure.