beast is back

today and yesterday and the day before and probably the day before that look too familiar. while we are finding peace in rhythms and life of unknown, i am suddenly disoriented by the mononity of thoughts. there are literally parts of my body that tense up on demand the second i hear "how is the job search going?" it seems we have been finding a job for a million years. i cannot seem to get over the hump this go round. i am no longer feeling myself turn corners and my new year's optimism STILL hasn't kicked in. getting on my nerves.

the thing is i want SO many other conversations to be a part of our life. and oddly enough they too are hard but at least they are different, at least it makes me feel life isn't constantly taking one giant step back.

the one that is beginning to overwhelm me again is infertility. i feel myself folding into myself as this giant takes over my head again. It is the nastiest beast and there are nothing shy of 150 reminders a day that for some reason we cannot have sex and make babies. i actually cannot imagine what that would feel like to fathom that sex could bring babies. thank heavens sex brings so much goodness to our life because otherwise i might resent the whole dang thing.

Last night when Hannah was getting ready for bed she said, as she has now begun to say regularly, "mommy i really want a brother and a sister". the first few times i had insta tears and tried to remember i was the adult and she was sharing her heart's wish. luckily last night i was saved from myself because her next sentence was that she wanted a big sister and a baby brother. i tried on a grin figuring that would be more complicated to work out, but i told her as i do every time, let's ask Jesus about that. we can pray and ask for a brother and a sister. her honest eyes connect to mine and she looks truly downtrodden as she walks the stairs to her room. she wishes there were bunk beds there. but its an empty basement except for her.

i don't get it. raising an only child was no where on my radar. its horribly lonely. for both of us. and it is getting harder and harder for me as i realize how much worse it will get for her. nevermind no small playmates, but no one to go to school with, no one to confide in in high school, no one to lead or follow or get advice from. no one to have on vacations, birthdays or holidays, no future maid of honor to a sister or an aunt to a nephew.

i don't know how to speak honestly of our place both to the majority of people in our lives with larger families as well as to the friends in our life who do not have children.i feel less than to all the families of many and ungrateful to the friends without children. so dear friends can we expand heart space for each other to hope to just know each other in all the fullness of difference? because as many days as i shove off the beast, it isn't truthful to not comment that i don't want my days to be about employment, i want them to be about my new family member. and in some ways this want is growing bigger than i wish. i can't figure out how to balance a pity party and a healthy grieving for how much i struggle to embrace my place.

morning prayer

Good morning God,

What am I after? What does surrender look like at this phase? How can i keep trusting peacefully?

God please resume our peace. May we be nourished by your Truth. Add clarity to our days and purpose my steps. I can't keep up the unfiltered hope, my expectations lower everyday now. Don't let my heart settle that way.

Thank you Lord for hearing me, may i be so blessed to now hear you.

ash

Baby Bea

Every time I look at her i can't help but call her angel. There is light about her and something about being in her presence that immediately increases your joy. and brings calm. She smiles with her whole face and if you let her, she'll grab your face and slobber all over your cheek or chin or whatever she can get a hold of. and you hardly care because you just wanna squeeze her. I'm speaking, of course, about my newest niece, Beatrice. 

I regret I have not updated more often about her because in a short six months she has faced more trials than most kids i know will in their lifetime. overcoming odds of strength, connection, and even a couple of holes in her heart. and really if you are around her or her mom, you hardly know what they have overcome because you mostly sense felicity. i don't want to undermine the concern for the lifetime of unknown that i think it still before them. my only goal is to mark to my memory and others the courage and resiliency of those two.

Since the day Bea was born I have only seen Amy's eyes full of delight when she looks at her. Where she may have wondered if her heart would stutter when meeting her, i think she is now convinced that her daughter was so perfectly knit and made for her. not because Amy is immune to every desire that the rest of the world is that you hope your kid is athletic, pretty, smart, and perfectly healthy (and so on and so forth to the less shallow list as well), but the thing is, God seems to balloon Amy's heart for her daughter so that she may do what we all hope to do as mother's to love, protect, and train our kids.

Truly, to me, Bea is remarkable. All 10 lbs of her came out of open heart surgery and battled for new life. She got an extra valve and patched up holes that seem to complete her.  She looks stronger, she eats more and her eyes are so eager to soak up the world around her. I can't decide if it is more rewarding to be the one holding her or across from her so you can stare into her face and catch the biggest grins you ever saw.

I love seeing Hannah and Sadie with her. Their love is so pure and untainted by any wordly ideas. Hannah feels so big when she holds her and loves to help feed her or change her diaper. And Sadie, while you may think she is lost in her own world of discovery always seems to be aware of her new sister and says her name in the sweetest tone.

I have a great deal left to learn and assume i will be learning from Amy and Beatrice well into the future. Sometimes I am scared to make mistakes and ask the wrong questions or assume the wrong thoughts (even in this post... sorry amy), but I get the feel from Amy and Aaron that they just want company in this journey of raising Beatrice. I get the feel that they would rather bad questions than no questions and that they too will be constantly learning. in fact it seems more questions are ahead than behind and it strikes me how much we take for granted when our kids are born. here we celebrate every tiny victory and we hope, sometimes against all odds, that she will surprise us with joy. with calm.

i was with Amy one morning when another woman who had children with special needs said to Amy, "when i look across the table at you holding Bea, i feel excited for your journey because of all the good ways she will bless your life." i swipe my tear to the side and replace it with my own grin. Why do we always think different is bad? i know for sure that in this case, while it may be full of trials it is most certainly good. I am so thankful for how well the little angel is doing and growing.

where o where and what o what?

i have spent the majority of the day trying to avoid thinking. but it keeps not working. A. there keep being these ridiculous breaks of time where i cant figure out what to distract myself with next and B. the alternative is to join PH who is breaking all sabbath rules and wanting to take care of way too many things. It's like basically criminal to do bills, laundry, house clean out (he was in a let's sell everything we own mood), and find the random missing part to the car that was broken off in the shipping that occurred 9 months ago.

we are restless. restless about purpose. restless for understanding. restless to move on. at times it feels our minds are so full we can't figure out which thing to process next, which door to open. And truly there are also the days that life seems so empty and unsure and non progressing that my mind feels blank.

i want to do more. Be more. Give more. i want place.

can't force magic

it's one of those days i wake up begging for something, anything that brings more peace than yesterday. that brings more understanding. i wake thirsty. i do not feel particularly hopeful or confident and yet it's new year's day and everything tells me i should be cheery and optimistic. so i beg to feel it too.

this Christmas break was one of the hardest in my memory. going into it we were heavy enough.  we were not able to afford flying to the east coast to be with the Osters crew for Christmas as planned or to swing by Charlotte for curing hugs. we decided to have our first Christmas at home as the three of us.

on Christmas Eve, i went to the doctor for the third time in 5 weeks to let them know i was still sick. i have felt so fatigued and had endless congestion. finally, an antibiotic was offered. five days later i finished the antibiotic and am really feeling myself again for the first time in a month and that evening beginning at 2:30am, i start throwing up with the stomach flu. 7 of the 10 of the Wilson crew got the stomach flu over the course of the holidays. On this particular night, Hannah and i both got it at seemingly the same time and i was literally stepping over her throw up on the floor to get to the potty and throw up. Stephen there to try to care for both of us as we got up throughout the night with this awful flu. it occurs to me even while i am getting sick that this means that the plans we were so excited about for New Years Eve with our friends the Vaughans while Hannah stayed with Ba and Susu were going to have to be canceled.

And this was just a tiny bit of what happened for us, but truth is it seemed hardship was on every side for my family. i just kept thinking... surely we will come up for air, surely peace is close. intense life with tangible pain seemed to be on every side in every person. and you could tell that even in the incredibly beautiful lake house mom and dad got as a gift to us all that we could not force the magic we SO SO desired.

BUT we can't help it, we are WILSONS for peet sake. we love magic. we love Christmas. you can't have problems on Christmas. Rudolph CANNOT leave a note for children saying Santa's sleigh is one day behind to assure that Uncle Beebs feels better (he had the flu on the original 2nd "Christmas" day).Hannah hardly flinched with the note and appreciated the Lalaloopsy remote control car that Rudolph left. As i watched Hannah, i asked my mom if our Christmases were as good as i remember them. Because now that i am adult, i can't imagine there wasn't dysfunction but i promise you, what i remember is really good. It's lots of gifts with clues and guessing, lots of food, lots of games and playing with cousins, lots of football. i don't remember wanting for more and I always remember feeling loved. i honestly remember the Christmas mornings bursting out to receive stockings (and Evie's Come on Ring Those Bells) and Santa's gifts as magical indeed.

So, i left Christmas wondering if we are too conscious now or our expectations are too high? Neither exactly magical questions. So i round the corner at new years with a few thoughts brimming. A. Hardships and all, i am still aware that my Christmas had more love and magic than over half the world and for that I am truly thankful. B I gotta regroup. 2013 is here. I'm lost. i need to reorient what the heck is going on in our lives, or more like all that isn't going on. C. i'll get there, but for sure, optimism feels like a stretch.

The Wilson crew feels a bit rag tag over the last year or so but i will also say our hearts for one another expand every time we are together. we don't want to give up. without saying it we all know that most of life is spent choosing the company you keep, but the relationship so very God given, so, so chosen for me was my family. This brother and this sister; and these parents. and now this man and this daughter (and my wonderful brother in law, nieces and nephew). they are my God-given peeps and vomiting or not, we will rally for one another.

And on top of that, as much as we may try to force the magic, it seems God has especially chosen to tell us we can't pull it off. It's all Him. We gotta give it over. And when we do, He always shows up. Like huge, fluffy white snowflakes that came down on 2nd 2nd Christmas morning. They left us in awe. They brought joy, wonder, and levity. And magic.

Passing the Light

last night as a part of the Christmas Eve service at church we were all handed thin white candles with the paper skirt to catch the wax at the end of the service. i felt a lump in my throat as i thought about God as light offered to the world and heard the words that this light cannot be overcome. Darkness seems so powerful right now my heart told me.  The lights went out and as i watched row by row go from darkness to light, i was choked up. then the light was passed to me from seemingly the most giddy young couple, and i turned to light Hannah's candle.

Inside as i watched her eagerly desire this light and then with her usual determination get it lit, she held it high in front of her face. and my face was engulfed with fat wet tears. the deepest most profound desire ran through me as i hoped with all my heart that indeed, this beautiful girl, my daughter, would indeed come to know the light and receive it. That she would pursue Jesus and find comfort and hope and wisdom. I had never before felt such a desire for her, and there seeing her face lit up i was enamored and beaconed to spend all the rest of my days praying for her more genuinely. i forget to pray as regularly that she may really come to know Jesus.

this Christmas was actually quite funny as i observed more astutely all the messages she was taking in about the season and one day she came home with a candy cane and a print out with the candy cane. The paper offered many ideas of why the candy cane was the candy of Christmas symbolizing a Shepherd's staff, and even a J if held upside down. It also said that the white signified washing of sins, purity, and the red was a mark of Jesus's blood. A few days later as Hannah is again given a small candy cane, she says to me, "mom, i just licked off the blood." oh boy. i giggled a little and thought how terribly confusing all these messages and words are and how preciously absorbent my girl is.

fast forward to the candle night i wanted so much to explain in every way i knew what the light was about, what my tears were about, what i hoped for her. And i tried. But mostly, what happened was that my heart became overwhelmingly hopeful and burdened for her that she may seek and find. That her curiosity and learning would lead her to a meaningful understanding and relationship with Jesus.One i know does not promise her ease and pain free days, but a life i believe offers her wisdom of how to love and live. So here i am, just as i was in the final minutes of the day to kick off advent, in the last hour of Christmas day, thinking how my hope for room for Jesus expands again. 

wide open spaces of grace and glory

i'm resisting because i can't believe you are still speaking to me. my deflated shoulders have adjusted to the new weight only for you to try again to lift it. i waffle because i am becoming more familiar with wide unknown than i can imagine security. And yet i realize my very definition of security is what you are redefining. you reach out to me again. Gently, with firm assurance, you draw near.

Romans 5:1-9 (The Message version (sidenote, i tried forever to be shake my head at different interpretations of the bible, so if you aren't a fan of various translations i understand. i am at the point now i'll take any translation if in fact it can help me better understand God in anyway.))
"By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that’s not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.

3-5 There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!

6-8 Christ arrives right on time to make this happen.

i reread and reread to see if it is possible to absorb words like liquid straight from my brain to my heart...WIDE OPEN SPACE of God's GRACE and GLORY...standing TALL... hemmed in with troubles.. passionate patience...tempered steel of virtue.. ALERT EXPECTANCY... overflowing containers... RIGHT on time. and repeat. repeat, until it is marked on my heart. This is your response to my Saturday's sobs where i couldn't write and wanted to toss my hands in the air and stay mad forever. Dern, you win, we can endure... on our way to overflowing containers of Holy Spirit goodness.

the race must go on

a rain filled Saturday with my parents in town gave Stephen and i the opportunity to hit the streets and try to immerse into the truly fun parts of Christmas shopping. i may have one of the few husbands i know who actually really loves to do some shopping with me so it has become a fun part of this season for us. but what had really given us ease and joy to head out on this day was that a very generous heart sent Stephen some Christmas money from Jesus. (Thank you Jesus!) so our grateful filled hearts grabbed americano's and headed out.

Stephen took the call as i headed into the very first store on one of our favorite streets in Ballard. He stayed outside and as i tried to look around at the beautiful things, inside my heart was racing and my stomach was sinking. He entered a few minutes later with the news that the company had decided to wait until January to make a decision. (insert cuss word, cuss word, cuss word) i cannot even weed through the pummel of questions that make way in my head at the time. WHATS the MESSAGE GOD? So, another NO? More WAITING? A peaceless Christmas (dramatic, i know, but this is playback and that is what it felt like). What are we doing WRONG? I need to go home and APPLY for job's ASAP. Can my husband SURVIVE all the disappointment? Can we? How long can i go without  talking to anyone so i don't have to share more bad news? Do we every make PROGRESS in this family? What GOOD NEWS is in our future? So, clearly with all that, we try to stick with our plan and shop. um, no workie, as much as i love to rally and compartmentalize, it was a no go.

by the third store i asked Stephen if I could go sit in the car and cry. his kind eyes and cold hands accompanied me and my sobs ensued. I can only share my perspective, but my feelings are that that means no job. If you went through four rounds of interviews and then they postponed the decision I believe that means they aren't confident they have the right candidate yet. next thought is YOU FREAKING IDIOTS and next thoughts is LISTEN PEOPLE it wasn't even THE dream job, but we NEEDED you. God, why open more doors, let them stay open enough for our hearts to wander and hope and close them again?

I feel like we are back at the start line, only this time we are starting worn out, untrained, unfit, and without desire to run. BUT we will go on with all we can muster each day.

EMOTIONAL IRONMAN

the window is frosted and Hannah has practiced writing her name in the dew. the sun is trying to rise behind the puffy white clouds to tell us its a new day. As Hannah drinks warm milk and watches Curious George, I sneak away for the time to be read scripture and pray.

i realize this morning that i am living appreciation for God's generous gift of Jesus to the world as a human. Much of what is serving as wisdom, peace, and fuel for our days is coming from stories of Jesus's life and the encouragement and instruction he offered. So here i am potentially trying to over think advent and wanting so badly new insight for His birthday party this year. That's when i realize He has been giving us a lot more than the 12 days of Christmas as we have pretty desperately pursued His words and life for guidance at the close of 2012. My anticipation grows.

PH went for his final round of interviews for the job we really really want him to get yesterday. It feels so down to the wire. my prayers for swiftness feeling ignored, my ability to endure feeling challenged. I hear PH's voice as he leaves, i see his eyes grey and weary, he is not walking so tall, the interview outfit feeling less perfect than the seemingly 900 times he has had to sport it over the last year. i hugged and prayed as he left giving what felt like the very last drop of authentic encouragement i had in me and then cried in my hands as his car started up to head for the interview. it feels awful to need anything this badly.

we have been joking this week that we feel we are the final leg of an emotional ironman. this last leg, this final mile makes all that seemed bright and cheery in the beginning blurry. all the training and practice can get us across the line, yet its nearly impossible to remember all the right tips as finishing becomes more significant than journeying. because we want so so much for this particular race to be over. we know more will come, fine but we are at the point of pleading that this one end. and all the while our greatest fear is that as soon as this interview ends today, that they'll call with bad news and we will be staring down another ironman only hours after completing the first.

we don't know if we'll hear today or next week but we are hoping and stretching our bodies as much as they will go that this will be the last leg for now.

twinkle twinkle

the streets and storefronts are glittering everywhere, which seems particularly shiny out here since it is dark by 4:30pm. i find myself driving longer routes to pass the streets and houses with the most glimmer. The warmth and sparkle has romanticized me for years and I find it hard every year to take ours down. (Mal may even remember when i wanted to leave them up all year in our freshmen dorm).

i must not be alone in this as this Saturday night there was the annual light walk at Greenlake and it was the path around the lake (3 mi) was lit with luminaries. This simple lighting brought all the neighbors, kids, dogs out in droves. Many neighbors were donning lights around their neck or dog leash. it was a great community feeling that everyone got out with their families or friends to take an evening walk with all their neighbors in the middle of this wild season.

"The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word." Hebrews 1:3

This was our advent reading yesterday and I was immediately struck thinking about Jesus's RADIANCE. In this season i keep asking myself what it means to me that Jesus was born and what I am really celebrating this month (in addition to lights). Thoughts that parade my mind and heart are that ee need to see how Jesus faces trials, how He treats others, what He cares about and how He stays encouraged. If we wanted to feel like God was not so out there of an idea, here he generously sent the exact representation of his being. This light would have really gotten my attention I believe, and in fact His radiance has romanced me for most of my life.

this morning i did not want to get out of bed. (this is highly unusual for me). but this week feels huge for our little house and i try not to be overwhelmed that i won't be able to handle what comes our way. i won't be able to handle more defeat for my man. barreling towards Christmas day has little to do with presents and travel for us this year (boo!) but more to do with this widening unknown. this onslaught of stretching that we are in forces us to take one day at a time until our bodies feel they can rest in place again.