i knew you'd think I was beautiful.

"I wanna be older!" Hannah exclaimed as she walked down the stairs for the 3rd time that night so bummed that she couldn't stay up late like the adults. I laughed and smiled, imagining myself 30 years ago having the same sentiments. not wanting to miss out on the action. who am i kidding, that is still me.

she is growing up so fast for me. i want to record everything to my memory, sometimes i find myself taking notes on my iphone so i don't forget the great things she says. Including the following from  this morning as she discovered a hidden gift that i had for amy. She says mom, "santa brings the gifts not you." i kid you not, i had not even remembered Santa until that moment. i forgot our daughter was 4 and full of imagination and being stuffed chock full of images and ideas about Christmas. and i'm not anti-St.Nick by any means, i literally forgot. so i quickly try to recover while making a mental note to myself to hide all the gifts, and let her know that Santa brings many many of the special gifts and we draw names to give gifts to one another as well. Oops.

recently her spirit has been a HUGE gift to us. this past weekend PH and i found ourselves in the midst of such adult heaviness shaking off weight as we watched Hannah pretend she was a butterfly or wanting to learn jingle bells or letting us know that sometimes monkey (her favorite blanket) is a real monkey. she also insisted on wearing princess wedge shoes to pick out the Christmas tree.  i think our favorite moment was when she rediscovered a long pink dress-up gown. I returned from the store to find her grinning from ear to ear and I said, "Hannah, you are the loveliest girl in all the land. what a fabulous dress." She said back to me, "i knew you'd say that mom. i knew you'd think i was beautiful." sob, laugh, smile. PH, also grinning, loved watching her twirl and twirl and taking delight in herself. she encouraged us to stop in our tracks and absorb delight. and that's the thing, over and over recently she pauses all this seriousness and draws us into pleasure and delight. she reminds us of discovery, curiosity, beauty, play, and God's provision in so many forms.Thank you sweet Hannah Mia, your life teaches us.

Prepare Room

with hardly 30 minutes to spare before the day closes, i couldn't resist marking advent. my mind is actually whirling at how to enter this season. and tonight as i was reading, words hollered at me that the essence of this season which i have typically heard but not understood is this idea of preparing room.

Let Every Heart Prepare Him Room.

Joy to the World , the Lord is come!
Let earth receive her King;
Let every heart prepare Him room,
And Heaven and nature sing,
And Heaven and nature sing,
And Heaven, and Heaven, and nature sing.

So much goodness in this stanza and the rest, i cannot even dissect them all right now. Oddly enough before tonight, i chose our mantle letters to read JOY TO THE WORLD (which means i did a craft which we can get into at a later date, if i finish...). But for today, think with me about making room. For anyone who has had the privilege of expecting a child or joined with others in doing so, and remembers getting a room ready for them. With the perfect paint, perfect crib and bedding, clothes, and toys, you may recall the desire to make space, a beautiful space for this new life.

and tonight i am wondering what it looks like for us each year to begin advent and to MAKE ROOM for Jesus. to set aside anything, or to actually find a chair and a throw (and coffee in my view) and a journal or a bible and MAKE room this season anew. To hear from God in a familiar way or a completely new one, to ask questions of your faith and Jesus that you may be curious or reassured, but to actually carve out, set aside, prepare, set up, and offer space in advent. make room to meet Jesus. this year. now.

Let me assure you that i desire nothing less than a full schedule. I am literally in pain this year not to be hosting a party (i still envision a miracle being pulled off in this regard) because i love to celebrate and host and be amongst the best company and tastes during this season. I love the Joy and singing that this year I could barely make it past Thanksgiving to begin the Christmas albums, i unabashedly LOVE this season. And I am not so sure I enter it thinking about how to prepare room between holiday open houses and cocktail parties, secret santas and Handel's Messiah, glittery lights and redecorating a house, and SHOPPING to make more room to really consider Jesus in my life. why does His Birth and life matter to me?

Ask away my friends, prepare room in your lives, and CHEERS from a far to the beginning of Advent. Please do share back about what you learn this season.

Endurance

hustle and bustle are traditionally words that I might utter in any season and especially this one. yet this morning Thanksgiving was over and cyber Monday was on and I don't feel very caught up. When I actually live more presently the days speak so much more. and suddenly i see a pretty empty holiday calendar and yet for today I had peace and saw beauty. sometimes i don't recognize myself when i talk about myself because i thought i was a girl of mayhem and loving most every minute of it.

Yesterday our pastor shared how important endurance is to our faith. That at some point we chose to say YES to our life, the one we have been given.  That if we don't embrace endurance we embrace quitting. I can hardly type the words I dislike quitting so much (you can ask Hannah all the games i have already requested her to push through..oh boy). Endurance changes us. Endurance adds a great deal to our stories. And it matters to think for what we are enduring... what matters? with worn shoulders but puffy chests these ideas and questions fall much easier on Stephen and me now because we are living this. We are choosing not to resist but to have resolve. to endure, and ultimately, on our strongest days, we know what for... with all the she-power I like to hold, i know this time I am actually quite powerless and enduring for the sake of the journey we've been given. That we may know more of God. That we may bring more glory to Him in our decisions and comings and goings. So that we may live more consciously because we take so much less for granted. because we have finally gotten far enough out of all the ways we thought things would go that we run into change head on and strong, beside ourselves. we taste everyday a different mercy. mercy to live free and peaceful amidst a boatload of unknown.

as an update Stephen has been to multiple information interviews and then through 2 rounds of interviews with 2 different companies. One of them here in Seattle and one in Canada. Both could advance this week to another round. Stephen must endure even though everyday i know he must feel like quitting this dance. I am so beyond ready for this portion of our journey to be over. the journey of actual finding work and purpose or not in it for Stephen has felt like a particularly consuming part of much of the last decade. yet with all the questions of why what and where we must endure. we don't yet know our place.

the sun was out in all its splendor today and i could not look a direction without seeing snow-capped mountains that took my breath away with every glimpse. i have always been a water girl, and luckily we have that too but the mountains are really grabbing me these days. they are stunning, like i can't stare enough. and sometimes when i take advantage of the non hustle bustle life and spend an extra minute with this beauty it occurs to me how well God cares for his creation. That if the lilies of the field get their portion, then surely... surely...please let us stay God, please.

peels to take cover for you

Not sure words are needed with this video (however pls. forgive the laundry piles in the background). If you've had much time around me at all you know i love to sing at random and make up songs. tonight after reading books by the fire to Hannah i asked if she wanted to sing to me tonight since my throat was hurting I couldn't sing (which really would sound no different than my normal v off tune belting out). The girl serenaded me with a few very special songs and i didn't think i could love her more.

a few lines from her recently have really cracked me up, including as I was tucking her in and she said, "hey mom, i have one question for you. Do you wish you could have a real fairy and would you keep it?" Um, totally. "Me too mom." Similiarly, she felt it worth coming upstairs the other night after being tucked in to let me know for her dream she couldn't decide if she wanted to have mermaid or princess shoes.?" tough desicions.i love getting to know her thoughts. and now, her songs.

Happy Thanksgiving week all!

more space between whammies please. or not

Softening a tight heart is no easy business. I've lived half my life this way so i would know. Two months ago I would have never guessed that this round of softening would be towards my man. Quite naturally I was falling into pretty set ways of operating after over a decade together. the things we began not to bother to bring up, and the things we brought up too often. the way we moved into life here all alone and even less connected than our last move, because here there was a sneaky layer of bitterness I wasn't totally aware of until i had time. time let it gain space and move up the rungs in my head. so i would say, we were in no space for crisis as a marriage. you know how you think they should really be spaced out to some optimum amount of time that you have caught your breath, been really nice and all sorts of good healthy intimacy and then you would be ready for another whammy. All that set up to say the first night i knew things were turning upside down again, i was thinking worse case scenarios.

Enter prayer on my behalf. Enter wisdom from my sister. Enter the Holy Spirit. Next thing I knew my heart was breaking for PH. Next thing I knew I admired him. Next thing I knew the boy had more gumption and strength than i had seen in years. Next thing i knew there wasn't an outfit that he could wear that i wasn't complimenting bc he looked so handsome to me.

So my thankfulness today, that this tight heart can be unwound by a mighty God who wants to breath life into a complacent marriage. who wants us loving bigger and deeper and differently. my thankfulness is for family and friends who go to God on our behalf and ask that we figure out how to keep loving and encouraging no matter the distance in-between whammies. my thankfulness today is that when that man walks in the door each day i feel more eager to serve and love him than i have in years, that my heart hurts knowing all that he is facing each day. I am thankful for new love for my PH and for the ability to actually go through this all together.

one unactive minute

"Therefore we do not lose heart....We are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are acheiving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." 2 Corinthians 16-17

Amen. It has been easy to be thankful thus far because truly each day His nearness and covering has been known in so many forms. The days are still imperfect for sure and i've had a few grumpy ones to boot FORE sure, but what has been steadfast is a stillness and a peace. We have not been overcome with fear. Phew.

Last week I went for a run on the Burke Gilman Trail and at the end rather than my normal efficient departure onto errands, i felt God saying, run up to the top of the hill, take an extra minute. a non active minute. Easily my feet wound around the trail leading to the top of a little hill at Gas Works Park and I was met with warmth and beauty. I swear ya'll, the clouds made space for the sun and the rays wrapped themselves around me.  the mix kept rolling in my ears and the next song up was All I Need Is You Lord.  The song is eerily repititive to speak to my busy brain, over and over and over they sing, "All I Need is You Lord... You hold the Universe." Normally this isn't a song i totally get because it seems too extreme... like all i need is you Lord (AND stephen and hannah and a job and a friend and food and clothes and on and on). Then I heard these two lines, "Left my fear by the side of the road, rest in the thought that you are watching over me." And I got it. This is my time to focus, laser focus on who God says he is to me, and if i accept and hold that true, than i would land in a place of peace that the one who holds the Universe has got me covered. He knows my hearts desires and while they are not being granted in my order and timing, I am in His. Oh.

And the next few days continued in the pattern of gifts and tribulations. My parents came and warmed the home and most certainly Hannah's heart. We got the gift of one night in Portland with the Vaughans, to laugh and talk and be a little less responsible (thanks Susu and Ba!) We built fires, tasted good foods, and continued to take one day at a time, with hope always in the wings.

Election Day!

thankful for choice. thankful for peaceful day of elections. i love election day. i love all my memories both happy and sad of election nights over the last 15 years. i tried to make it a big deal here today. i wore a red shirt with white polka dots. at her preschool IronMan was elected and this gave me the great opportunity to explain to Hannah why it was so important for women to have more seats at the table. Her voice mattered in the final vote as it was down to IronMan and Spiderman but unfortunately, seeing as it is a class of 5 boys and 2 girls, her candidate, Barbie, did not receive any votes. Poor girl. Anyway, we had fun having election day Fro Yo and reading Amelia Bedilia's First Vote.  I end the day hopeful that if people really want change that we will all figure out how to encourage those we have just elected to figure out how to work together to make real progress. all the extreme partisanship over the last few years really don't help anyone. and last but not least, I'm thankful for all the women who gained seats tonight. With only 17% of elected seats but representing over 50% of the population, I'm just thankful for more seats at the table.

and if you are feeling really badly tonight, you can always come for a visit because apparently Washington just approved the legalization of marijuana.... (: HA!

our newest writer

thankful for LEARNING. all of us. on so many levels we are learning, our minds being stretched, and I love that. i am thankful for it. and for today, Stephen and i are literally BEAMING with joy to watch Hannah learn and write her letters. it was such a pure unexpected joy how good it would feel to watch her learn and be curious. it gave me a tiny glimmer of school stuff and a huge hope that she'll ever let me help with it (HA, yeah right). my inner nerd can be released again  (actually she has already informed me that i was boring her with all the election talk).  Here is a short clip of practicing writing the alphabet.i truly think I'll pass out when i get her first note to me.

Hold everything with an open hand

Many gifts and many tribulations. This is life in Christ. If you want many gifts and no tribulations than following Jesus steadfastly will become increasingly difficult. I am so so struck by this paradigm in my life right now. How can you trust God and still have fear? How can life seem rich and poor at the same time? I am more aware of the richness now than when i had more of the worldly lot. Also, I am more aware of my tee tiny ness, and my love of assurance, stability. Very unfortunately, i repeat, it doesn't appear that God promises stability really ANYWHERE in his stories, but FAITHFULNESS yes. Allejuah. That's a gift.

I adore holidays. All who know the Wilson crew, know we are all about some celebrations. Because WHY NOT be? Seriously. So as i felt challenged this morning to realize that life is so full of both things - gifts and tribulations - I am going to put my armor on this month and practice gratitude. I feel like instead of this sense of defeat that i have entering this Thanksgiving season that each day further in November will feel like a day closer to despair or loss that this house will practice gratitude. together. each night at the table. we must i think, as it may be more valuable than the bread itself to guard our hearts and mind. I know we are 57 days away from what can turn my stomach in a second. Moving again, no jobs, no family growing, selling off as much as possible, WHO KNOWS? But i cannot spend this season fretting, it will take too much from me.and my man and my girl.

So, i ask for eyes to see the gifts of EVERYDAY. i ask to live without comparison as i was reminded that yes there will always be people around me with more... AND there will always be people with less. I ask also that as i recognize these gifts and feel the bubbling up of fear and anxiety which are most certainly haunting my house, that instead of giving them residence, that i hold all things with an open hand, gifts and fear, and offer them up to God.

It is true that right now I feel aware that following God's will and knowing Him more is exactly where I want to be and it is ALSO the exact place i don't think i can go. i don't, i really don't know how much wider i can open my hands. I really don't know either what it is that i am may be keeping with a closed fist? what am i keeping close to my chest, what else oh God should we release? Show us quick, pretty please, and by your mercy may we also receive gifts to sustain in between.

ode to angels that flew in

an unusual gift for me is a calm mind and met expectations. because my head is loud and wrestles and my heart longs all day which makes it quite difficult to satisfy. two very special women traveled 3000 miles to bring me rest, peace, and a sense that I am not forgotten or alone. and i cannot forget joy. only the joy looked different. it was stiller, with less words. and it was so dang puffy beautiful.

i will only say this once and never again utter such insanity, but I already wonder if I will look back on this space in life fondly. Because wildly without all the strength of me to save the world, life is actually moving forward in totally new and unexpectedly lovely ways. contentedness comes in a much smaller package which is a lighter load for me.

like, without knowing it, i didn't need games and late nights and deep conversations and all sorts of other shenanigans i like to force on vacay with friends. i needed knowing company that would fall asleep on my sofa and rest in my house. that would instantly be at my side when i fell apart after church and had snot running all down my face.  that would read magazines and watch silly TV on my too tiny living space and sleep on the air mattress or the cold basement. that would celebrate every teeny bit of caramel pecan chocolate tart from a la mode. that would wait patiently for me as i went through a 20 minute "situation" with what felt like an uncalmable 4 year old. and they would receive my trial parenting style with compassion and wisdom, and for sure without judging, i needed that. i didn't know i needed that. until it happened and washed over me so refreshingly it was like shower after a sandy day at the beach. it got some grit off, it softened me again.

dear Kim and Laura, thank you for coming. thank you for the sacrifices you made to be here. you offered me a sweet taste of friendship i don't always know how to receive but felt a bit tireless to fight off this time. and in that i was really moved by your goodness and acceptance of me. i know for sure there aren't many you's in the world. and i really love ya and loved sharing my new city with you. i can't help but hope i can be your angel someday.