uncommon hope

among a crowded market on a Vancouver Saturday morning, the galoshes clonk all around us as we zip up and hood our rain jackets to head back out to the rain. the girls are ready to open their fancy pink umbrellas and check on the seagulls as is a tradition at Granville island.  a young woman finds her way to stephen and offers the most odd and unexpected conversation. only what once would have seemed a little out there for us now fits on us fine and stephen receives the words from a total stranger.  She says, "God gave me a word for you today, its COURAGE." She told Stephen that that morning as she was praying she was given this picture of a man with blue jeans and a green jacket on that she was to share this word with that day. And so her faith walked her right up to Stephen to offer comfort and share a word with him.

weeks earlier as he has been pouring into the Bible for hope and wisdom, he joked with me saying that he wishes that like Joshua or Moses, that God would speak right to him, so clearly. and this memory came back to him this weekend as he tried to receive what may have otherwise seemed hokey as encouragement.

this whole in between feels this way, it hosts this uncommon hope. we are oddly more at ease than with the security of last month. we are randomly finding ourselves with more grace with one another and finely focused on the tinier more important parts of our hearts. i find myself strengthless for all sorts of battles i picked weeks ago. my days don't seem to steal much from me because i feel more attune to all that is secure, rich and good in our lives right now. i feel more aware of the sun breaks in the middle of rain and the taste of a good americano and suddenly selling a car or canceling a sofa order don't seem so bad. well maybe the sofa thing hurt a little, ha ha, but really in the big picture our life seems cluttered with provision that makes it far easier to make any adjustments that help us to be responsible and make the best decisions for our little crew in the unknown. we are continuing through friends, family, each other and our faith live with this oh so unexpected sustenance for our days.

dreams and other things

i have too many family members and friends who are therapists that i always wonder why i am so honest online like i might be there favorite case study. (: and now i might commit the ultimate sin which is confessing that even my dreams are getting too honest. last night i woke in a startle and realized that i had been dreaming about driving a car where the brakes didn't work. it was petrifying and ultimately i wrecked. there was no human carnage in my dream luckily just a pile up of steel wreckage. too real.

what seems to be breaking me most is feeling i could be made of steel and still not survive this latest onslaught of life. yesterday we tried to take the day off, we bought apples and a pumpkin and took a walk with brisk fall air and the smell of fire in the air. we absorbed the goodness of the season amidst the return of the rain. i took a nap while watching football which was like music to my ears. we used our imagination and played dollhouse with Hannah and used our hands to make apple pie and apple sauce. we watched comedy and held hands. i tried not to talk or think too much.

sandwiched between heartbreaking news that Stephen's current role will end and the beginning of sweet baby Beatrice's open heart surgery we tried to just be a family, it felt like an imitation of a life where everything is totally fine. i for sure sucked at pretending way more than Stephen but truth is i think that is because in fact Stephen is in this supernaturally peaceful, determined place. He is determined to believe that our God reigns and that indeed goodness is on the horizon.

I'm not there. I want to be. He is an incredible strength in this house right now as i watch myself slink lower and lower in fear. i ingest all that has been told to me and that i have believed about life and God over the last two weeks and beg myself to reconcile and know the same Truth today. Even with bad news and unknown. I pray to be there. i'm thankful my man is. Here we are again with wide open spaces to draw near to God and to release.

 

Rewind

i rarely resist a change in season, and most especially not when it is fall. fall is always the most divine of seasons when i feel refreshed by crisp cool air and awed by a rainbow of leaves. the leaves each take their turn to hold on to their boldest color before they fall. this time though, i want to pause or better yet, rewind. back to the season of sun and warmth. and more importantly rewind to the nanosecond when we were feeling optimistic, curious and adventurous. honestly, now it feels foolish, unknown and scary. and not the fun, BOO kind of scary that is looming in the Halloween season but the OH **** kind of scary where i have no idea what tomorrow brings. 

and here i am writing from Vancouver at my sister's house as she and Aaron are in their 7th hour of pre-op appointments for their sweet baby girl's open heart surgery next week. I could hardly wait to get our girls down last night so i could spend the next few hours holding Beatrice. To me, she's perfect. She's unreal with sweetness and what seems like joy even though you see her work so hard to breathe, sleep and eat with her rapid and irregular heartbeat. you can feel all the pitter patter in your hands and you wish so bad she had no pain and a big strong heart. maybe soon. maybe real soon. she heads in for her stitching and mending on Monday. she has enormously brave parents and a sister who pays no nevermind to the tube out her nose or the regular vomiting.  that's her BEE-A as she says it. 

and as i talked with Amy last night and we think about how each day we shun the life of fretting. it gets us no where fast. and we read verses together claiming over and over to BE STILL and KNOW, to trust. the whole stillness thing really gets me, that is neither our cup of tea, but there are no instructions to panic, scheme, work harder, do more to FIX this life. there are SO many more instructions about stillness, repentance, rest, love, waiting, love. So, i'm still. begging fret to stay outside and longing for all strokes of peace as we each head into days of unknown, of pain, of control-less-ness. 

we laughed last night as we recalled a time with our mom when we had moved to greensboro where we were talking about daily bread. that God would never let us go hungry, he provides richly for us. at which point (and i was in 8th grade here), that i told them i thought we were getting moldy bread. it gave us a good laugh.  Really in remembering we both sleep easier recalling that we have spent our little lifetime calling out to this same God and for our lifetime He responds and cares for us. 

bring on the manna

I must continue to process so I find myself here thinking that a platform where anyone in the world can read it is a good method. genius.

for those that may read this and wonder about my david like crying out last week, here is the real short of it. It appears there is some shake-up at PH's place of employment with the hire of a new VP that started after PH. PH has had one very difficult conversation learning his position may be eliminated and that he may not be a fit for the position they are looking to hire. (insert 10 cuss words here). So, after two delayed follow up meetings to further discuss, this week PH will meet with him on Friday to find out more information. PH will be fighting for his job, and will boldly be laying out what he has to offer. I, for one, have never believed in his ability and clearheaded-ness more. in my very biased opinion they are straight trippin fools to let him go and i have about 100 other words for them, but LUCKILY no matter what they say, this time we know without any doubt that this world is out of control and we put our faith in a God we believe to have full control. A loving gracious God. Whose plans for us are not for calamity but may look different than what we had hoped. Again.

each of these waiting days seem to start and end with such raw emotion. we both take unprecedented time to beg for that day's manna, that day's faith, that day's peace that surpasses understanding. and God has been generous. we don't lie back down at night in fear. well maybe a teensy bit for me, but mostly we rally up some hope. hope that there is a BIG ol light at the end of this week.

for anyone sharing in our faith, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts for prayer this week.

gifts continued

Thinking about Eucharisto today. Knowing that we are the ones that give weight to things and feeling the danger or glory of that in these fragile days. ah, fragile, that feels like a less favorite word to me but as it came on the screen i realized that is exactly what these days are, instantly possible of breaking. ah, i need a thesaurus.

So in pictures and words here is my gratitude list as of late:

when PH makes no comment on terrible hair days or sad outfits

parents who always pick up the phone

first golden red leaves of the season

wildflowers

seaod bisque at pike place chowder

the end of HAO fallout that lands her in my lap

friends that fly 3000 miles to see you (TY Janet, Laura, & Kim)

spontaneous neighborhood waterballon fights

karoke and bingo at the local senior center

local strawberries

painted toenails, and i do mean painted. green, that was supposed to go on the easel.

there is so much beauty consumed in our days. Thank you God, thank you.

 

does the offer of holiday at the sea still stand?

"The Lord shall fight for you and ye shall hold your peace." Exodus 14:14

the aches in my body weigh more when my heart battles in my chest through the night. it seems to be harder to rest when i am still holding out for control. for my plan to work. my plan really isn't that big, it isn't reaching for the stars, for pete's sake i have hardly been accused of being a dreamer. so why isn't this working? It seems so clear right now that you are stripping us down to the core. and you want our core, our hearts. our sold-out trusting hearts who believe with each breath that this life is very truly about walking with you, knowing you and hopefully bringing you glory through how we love and live. it is so so so so so much less about our comfort or goals. it is so much less about us attaining our little plans we so perfectly laid out. in fact, you want so much more for us than our mud pies, our limited finite dreams.

but the stretching and releasing to open to your plan feels like it might overwhelm me. i am not feeling strong enough this time. as my mom so wisely asked this week if God is calling us like Peter to walk towards Him on surfaces that seemingly cannot hold us. it feels foolish to believe we should walk toward HIM and to trust the surface. Equally it feels deathly not to.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor. 12:8

He wants all of this weary heart. The thing i have to believe is that He wants it all in order to bring GOODNESS, not harm. hard to see or believe right now but their is nothing in this track record that would prove otherwise. My wise sister in law also sent encouragement about trust in provision and it resonates with me even amidst this shaky ground, i am quick to forget the only constant in my life has been my God, and that in the end that will still be true.

I need you, i need you, i need you. http://thelongingep.com/listen-3/ (take a listen to oh how i need you, it has been good for us the last few weeks)

4th Miracle Marker

You are already fierce in ways that make me love you so and scared to death. How will i know how to care for you with gentleness and patience? You are lovelier by the day with your long curls that you do NOT like to have brushed and your hair getting light with the summer sun. You watch first, always. As hard as i try to persuade you to the rainbow, pink is still your top favorite color. There is NO stopping you on your love for shoes in color, function, and sound, you REALLY love shoes. I am pretty sure you had 4 pairs of flip flops alone this season. You love to laugh. You take your time in painting and always have a story behind your art. You are really liking fairies, strawberry shortcake, curious george, and playing dollhouse.

But what I am learning most this fourth birthday is how much I have to learn about you. It is so very different to watch you in this new world. You are working so hard to find familiarity. Knowing someone's name is so important to you. You seem to prefer small groups more than i knew, in fact, one on one are your best playtimes. Your independence makes me crazy and happy, i can hear my mother in my ear saying, "sounds familiar". But while you are ever so resilient as i expected, you are also teaching me with how difficult this transition is for you. You MISS deeply and speak of family and friends often. You even told me today you missed Chick-fil-a.You want to know all your neighbors and at school you seem to be skeptical first, then dive in... how like your dad.

This birthday I saw all of us celebrate tiny joys in the face of such a different celebration. Life without your sidekick Hannah Beth has been a reorientation for you, she was your soul sister more than I ever understood.  You had dinner with Deshian and Tyrell, our neighbors, at Phinney Market the night before you bday and ate almost a whole plate of fries because the boys did. On your day you woke up happy and chatty.  You told us that you were older but your height hadn't changed (HA!).  You had this wonderful giddiness about it being your day.  Captain Crunch breakfast with your dad was a special treat, and then we got dressed in the purple tutu skirt for preschool.  We took pink cupcakes for all your preschool classmates and I hope you enjoyed the celebration there. The evening was simple with mom and dad, opening the many incredible cards and gifts, mostly from friends 3000 miles away. You seemed to really cherish each while remarking, "how sweet" each of the kids were to send you gifts.

I cried multiple times in they day with stark clarity that your birthday is such a huge marker in my life. Your birthday marks miracles to me. Your birthday reminds me of God's HUGENESS and provision in our lives. It broke me this year as i am grappling deeply with believing this again. Thank you dear one, that your life will always be a miracle marker, a dot to inspire hope. I hope the world for you Hannah Amelia. I hope you are surprised by millions of moments of joy in the next year as we watch it all unfold again, what God has in store for us, what is so out of our control.