Camping. Take One.

Happy Campers? Um... With all the gusto i could muster, i rallied around PH in the idea for us to have our first camping trip. His family grew up camping, as vacation (the irony), and he has always hoped that i too could grow in my love for the outdoors.

my love for the outdoors is basically a love for the beach, a love for sun, a love for a good hike, run, walk, or meal, and then back in for well... comfort. (i.e - beds, baths, potties, dishwasher). So, here is basically how it went down. an enthusiastic little crew loaded up the car bright and early, grabbed coffee and went down to catch the ferry to Bainbridge Island. It was a beautiful morning and after another stunning ferry ride, we drove off to explore the Olympic Pennisula and some campsites. Campsite #1 - full, campsite #2  - full, campsite #3 - full... at this point, i am thinking... WHAT? I thought people booked hotels not spaces on the ground with bugs, what is wrong with all these people? Then finally after quite a lovely drive we came up on Sequim Bay and their camping grounds had space for our car camping.

Space #40 would host us that night. We took our lunch foods down to the dock and had a little pinic on the thin dock with beautiful calm water and mountains surrounding us. It was memorable. and a little cold. the water especially. anywho, we went back to set up camp and have a short family rest in the tent which Hannah seemed pretty keen to do although her vision had nothing to do with actually sleeping. after "rest" is when it hit me that i basically had no idea what we were actually going to do for the next few days. So i look to Stephen who appears to be as happy as Larry and begin to question what the plan is, to which he responds for the first and many times, that we don't set agendas we just kind of be. (oh dread). He grins and says, camping is about relaxing (how?,i say, there is no sand there is dirt and the water is freezing, all of this, at this point, i say to myself).

So we carry on with random activities, exploring and walks until i think it is an appropriate time to eat dinner. because cooking gave me purpose. the highlight of my evening came next as we roasted smores which is literally one of my favorite deserts. the gooey goodness comforted our chilly bodies as did the great campfire that Ph made. after some tent reading with Hannah, she crashed and Stephen and I settled up by the fire.

me - "So, babe, what do we do now?" PH says, "we just sit and stare into the fire. we can talk or not talk but we just watch the fire." me - "Uh-huh, ok, how long?" PH - "usually a few hours until the sun goes down?" me - "oh. my." 

So, here's the thing, PH and I are pretty caught up. I love talking to the man, but sans friends going on quite a few months here, we've hit all the convos. and the whole sitting still staring for a couple of hours before laying on the ground for a couple of hours before waking up to another whole day where i don't quite now what to do with myself. hmmm.

If I could willed it to be the perfect match for our fam, i would have, but it just wasn't in me this go round. Or apparently Hannah, who after about an hour the next morning asked if we could go home. Us girls seem to spend most of our days pushing through right now, and on this day, we just didn't want to. Gratefully, Ph was gracious to his city dwellin girls and let us pack up early and head home to the market for goods to grill and a bottle of wine. i loved him more for letting us quit early, but my hopes are not dead that someday their maybe a joyful return to the woods (when hannah is like 10 and we have other kids for her to play with maybe, and Ph is remarried, no just kidding!)

Here is a fabulous link to Jim Gaffigan's take on camping... i love this and promise you'll laugh -

random shaped house

So i told God, " here are some things that would be nice and they could work out like this...", and God said, "trust me, i want even more for you." this is a conversation God and I have had for years and years. i picture all the ways that life could work out just right which often leaves little room for surpise or openness.

Last night we got the most delicious taste of surprise goodness, that i hadn't planned or recommended to God. imagine that.

when we found this house i had very little expectations of my neighbors mostly because I was focused on getting the perfect rental house and because i had just left my sweet little Wilmore and knew that it was impossible to be blessed like that twice in one lifetime. what i forget is God's plans for all of us is huge, and that includes my neighbors and that although things will play out so differently here in Phinney Ridge, the generosity of community doesn't have to be stifled.

yesterday was a beautiful beautiful day and no one wanted to be inside. by the end of the afternoon, the corner house neighbors with two boys, (Tyrell, 7 and Desian, 5), were out playing and asked if Hannah wanted to ride bikes with them. After a few shoe wardrobe changes, the girl was helmeted up and ready to roll. and the races began. the older boy asked Ph and I to play basketball with him which basically consisted of dribbling up and down the sidewalk, dodging the bikes and pretending to shoot into a nonexistent goal. Next thing i knew, Mr. Ken, the retired respiratory therapist, who lives next door has popped on his bike (and helmet to boot), and is riding with Desian and Hannah. These "races' up and down the Fremont block from 70th to 71st were priceless.  Then Nicole and John who live on the other side of us come out and John has a massive loaded water gun, which immediately signals to the boys that a water fight is about to ensue. As a previous anti-gun playing mother for my sweet girl, i comprised my rules for her to be in the mix.  We set her up with a gun and wondered how she would do in her first water battle. the girl knew her mark and didn't miss a beat. she had a blast. the adults all stood on the sidewalk, expect for the few in the battle, and had a double happy hour of wine and laughter.

Hannah came in soaked and worn out, but to know she was crashing after having so many giggles and grins, my heart leapt. i was surprised. and joyed. when we said our prayers last night PH said, "thank you for this random shaped house that put us on this street." my thoughts exactly.

apples to persimmons

if i were even to attempt where i left off i could show this continuum of shiny happy people to changed lonely lost people. those people being this little family unit. oh how we are trying, and oh how somedays it just kicks our asses. i can no longer answer for folks if we like it here, or how we are doing, or if we want to move back, because the thing is that it's incomparable.  its total disorientation, it's apples to freaking grapefruit, you know what i mean. so i find myself a bit of a broken record that may be boring you but the deal is, there is real goodness in this new. and when i say new, i mean a learning, a totally new experience, forget grapefruit even, it's like persimmons, you aren't familiar like at all. but that isn't all bad.

take today for example, i have really started to cherish our Sundays. we wake up (and it's cold out), drink coffee and read (or for HAO watch a show and drink warm milk), and then walk to church for the 9am service. we are continuing to really enjoy the teaching, worship, and kids classes at the church, then we head home and load up in the car for our weekly visit to the Ballard Farmers Market that is filled with color and sounds and smell. Stephen always buys teeny fresh out of the machine cinnamon sugar donuts and Hannah always looks for the man on stilts who blows up balloons for kids in the shapes of odd things. she always asks for a pink flower and drops a $1 in his bucket. we enjoy all the musicians playing throughout the market. i do a loop to check out what is in season that week and compare prices. it's so different from our market as it is almost all entirely local and entirely organic and if it isn't in season locally, you won't find it (i.e - avocados or bananas or things that don't grow here unlike my good friends at yorkmont). i relish in the joy of buying the most beautiful $5 wildflower bouquet that i could ever imagine. at that price and beauty i no longer buy for special occasions but for the sake of color and fragrance in the house. then i challenge myself to think of ways to make new things with the likes of rainbow swiss chard and beets and loads of carrots. and if i am lucky, we buy fresh sausages and salmon. and then we head home where i usually try to sneak in a pre lunch long run. i love the air or rain, the music, the challenge. i get back to a napping house and buzz around until i am ready to take my lunch outside and sit with a book and beer and enjoy a calm lunch. if i am lucky enough that my family is taking long naps, i curl up on the sofa for any minutes i can get of shut eye. once we all wake for the second time that day we fill the french press and enter into random activities.  the evenings are simple and we usually cook and play around the house. the phone or doorbell hardly ever ring, there is no one to meet or turn down, it is simple and lovely but so very different. nevermind mondays. (:

i digressed a bit with the detailed sunday schedule, but all to say my disorienting goodness continues. since i have been back, my family has certainly helped keep me in good company and i have thoroughly enjoyed their visits. again, i owe SO many pics, but we were treated with a visit from the Wilson-Roberts crew and i cherished having them in my home. every space feels better in the house once it had guests and memories. even if that included a little pee pee on the floor and breastmilk on the sofa and endless water-filled tea parties in the "playroom", it brought so much joy to have them here and share life with them. shortly after their visit mom and dad came for their final summer visit before they return to the East Coast this week. it was a wonderful 24 hours together, we loved they came back to see us! and luckily right on their coattails was a 24 hour visit with Aunt Nanny. She is more officially now Great Aunt Nanny, which is the most suitable name as she is GREAT indeed and we loved having her in our home and sharing dinner and games and even So You Think You Can Dance with her!

And then we decided we should have a little family vacation before the summer ended... so we went camping. More to come, but the let me say i'd be hard pressed to write the words vacation and camping in the same sentence ever again. My poor outdoor loving husband...

the art of sobbing

on my last day at the beach i felt this pain rise almost from my heels up until it landed with a thud on my heart. i scurried around trying to wish away a long thought and hide out in distraction. i was unsuccessful. even in movement, i felt the wetness from my eyes unavoidable. right there in the middle of my yoga in the sun, i broke in a way i haven't broken in a long long time. my thoughts were crystal clear.

i wanted to leave the beach and go back to my house on Wilmore Drive in Charlotte. i wanted to be in my kitchen and sleep in my big bright room and smile at newly tanned skin in my mirror. i wanted to call up friends and let them know i was back from vacation and then get a good night's rest to head into work on Monday. I wanted to not feel so desperately sad to leave the beach for a life i was so happily ignoring was mine for the last 10 days surrounded by friends and family.

i went back into the house hoping no one would see me and went to our room and oddly Stephen and Hannah were there. i couldn't catch my breath between the sobs it seemed and thankfully, so very thankfully, Stephen let me be with him and alone at the same time. It was almost like he was waiting for this. for tears without control. for grief.

it was healing actually to live into that even for 5 minutes and to deeply sense and understand the loss and change. im hoping its part of acceptance and movement.

needless to say, i survived our first east coast visit and even more our return. actually the visit was nearly perfect, i wouldn't have changed a day, it was as rich as double chocolate brownies and as smooth as baby's skin.  as lonely as the return is, i have my two people God gave me and I will try again to figure this all out.

*will go back to stories on Oster fam beach trip and CLT with pics but wanted to mark my first sob first.

Life's a Beach

right here in the middle of it all it's hard to stay sunny. it's a flavor of joy that is catching my gut and making my heart feel the strength of the waves. here at the beach surrounded day after day by familiarity of smell, accent, temperature, streets, and conversation. these places actually have memories, not everything is a first and there is no explaining in getting started. we reach deep and don't waste time because we have tasted the richness before and are far more conscious now that we do not want to squander it. 3000 miles is a lot.

the sun has warmed us heart and soul. most significantly i have been warmed by hearing more than one kid's laughter in a room. by watching these minis enjoy feminity and giggle and paint toenails and share fairies. by watching the sweetness of kid play that is inclusive and lacks prerequisites and judgement. they just appreciate company.  i love seeing Hannah throw her head back in laughter and clickity clack around the house in dress up shoes. i even appreciate her first black eye because she built a "pillow bridge" but missed the pillow one go round and hit her eye. she played so hard that you could tell the bump was such an aggravation to have slowed her down from play.


we spent our first few days at Wrightsville Beach at the Cochran house. Caroline and Lilly were welcoming and sweet and i really loved getting to be around them. I also treasured rooftop conversation over wine with Alli. the honest, easy, grounded in hope and love for one another way we share refreshes us. we had wonderful visits from the Morgan crew and Hannah couldn't have followed Mason around more closely and fell right in stride with Porter as well. they played so hard in the water and it was really wonderful to see these decade long friendships that are now full of motherhood. seeing megan reminds me so so very much of growing up and stupidity of adolescence, but she too accepts and loves me even with all that history, and so this new era seems even richer. Then Melissa and Hannah Beth picked us up and we headed for a few days together at Sunset Beach. the giggles were symphonic and the way the are aware and know each other makes you think they would be 60 year old friends. there is such joy and sugar in their friendship. it is so full and literally picked my heart up. i pushed an inch of bitterness out each time i knew how irreplaceable these two are and tried to absorb the moments so they would last longer. i too loved laughing, dancing and relaxing very simply with Melissa.

this NC air has been oxygenating us it seems and we still have many days left. i try to relish not squander each one.

(pics to come the internet is too slooooow)

Midsummer Round-up

Since we have moved I have never let this much time go by without writing and my mind is full of the missing weeks I want to share and reflect on with you. After a few days that felt a wee on the heavy side, i felt so loved when Stephen encouraged me to find space and write. whether in my journal or on a blog or whatever, it grounds me. it keeps me honest and aware. so, anywho, friends, family, i miss you and here are a few glimpses so we all can remember the last few weeks.

July highlights as best i can remember include finding myself in so many "chairs' i never thought I would be in from the VBS crew leader to an awkward birthday party to Monday night's women's bible studies to Washington DMV line. My parents came to stay for a couple days and it was a totally lovely visit. They are pretty incredible and supportive and never cease to amaze me with their ability to meet me... where i am... and love into that place. a mega summer highlight is running with my dad. i am so thankful for the chance and strength for both of us to have some great runs together. 

Sunshine - Hannah and I go on endless walks, we found a wading pool at Greenlake, we picnic and continue to play outside as often as we can.

Church - We decided to have one familiar thing and not visit a bunch of churches this summer and we really liked the first one we tried so we keep going back. It's close to home and I have joined a Monday night bible study group that I have enjoyed. I was also a volunteer "crew leader" for the VBS that Hannah attended. Learning more about God through Scripture and the sermons has been very encouraging and i seem to have more headspace to hear.

Hannah and I popped back up to Vancouver this week to check on the fam and be with Beatrice some more. I really fell in love with her and my heart broke a bit watching some of her pain because of how hard her sweet heart works. Amy is incredible and i know it has got to be wearing her out. mom and dad have been a big help and i think Sadie girl is enjoying all the company. We continue to pray for Bea's heart, and for the surgery that will most certainly follow between 4-7 months of her life. I can tell that Beatrice June has some fight to her and I am so thankful. i look forward to all the odds she will beat.

and we close out this week with a great visit from Jon and Jasmine. we eat, laugh, play cards and talk and enjoy dear friendship. i am so thankful for them in our lives and can never totally get used to being back together again out here.

I continue to feel my heart tug and pull each and everyway. I revel in the adventure. the beauty in new tastes, sights, and people. i weary in the loneliness and the accumulation of transition. the full weight of how much has changed has slowly begun to feel like too much weight on the shoulder press bench. i force myself not to say its too much, but i am heaving in the reality that it is so very much to leave work, family, friends, house, fried okra for none of them here. i could do any one of those, but all of them has started to plow me over a bit more strongly than i hoped. i know goodness is here and goodness is to come. I am being stretched and it will only taste sweeter and offer more warmth as I go through these emotions and find other sides. of me. and of my God.

And ALAS, we make our first journey back to the East Coast beginning this Tuesday. Hannah and I will be journeying for much of the time alone and we have stacked our days with friends. we both cannot wait. We will be at the beach for the first 10 days or so and then to Charlotte for the last 4 days. I so look forward to your familiar faces and cannot wait to hug you and hear about your life.

 

challenging beautiful

i stared at her with her lime green t-shirt, her name in blue puffy paint on her back and her too tight bathing suit wedging her little rear. i watch her as she sits in reading time at vbs, but mostly spends the time looking at other people and giggling seeing if they will notice her. i prep for her first dentist appointment which she completely takes in stride, tentative but brave, and stoked about the pink toothbrush and ring she got from the treasure chest at the dentist office.  i choke back tears as i realize after her first swim lesson when she tells me 5 times on the way to the car with bounces in her step, "that was so fun mommy!" that i haven't seen her that happy in a long time.  i see her fury and her perseverance, i see her disobedience and resistance, i see her sweetness and hope. i am on the emotional ride of my life with this full time staying at home thing. its a ride. and literally i cannot quit, no option for a resignation, this is my girl. and i'm thrilled and scared to death. 

i feel silly how often i speak from both sides of my mouth but that is really what much of this feels like - the most challenging fabulous beautiful lonely discovery. and much of it is being done while holding my breath that my girl is happy. that someday she'll forgive me for the lack of patience or the the resistance to playing dolls 900 times. that she'll forgive me for the dread she may see in my eyes on the days i don't know what to come up with by ourselves again. that i too am lonely. that i hope like heck she'll remember perseverance and effort, that she'll remember the tiny victories.