power of the rays

the sun came out, my windows and french doors were open all day to refresh our home and spirits, Hannah and i slept in a little, i got to run a good 5 mile run, and Hannah loves her camp. Thanks to Sherry and Tom's loving care and diligent research Gucci is here!!!!! and in heaven with all the walking (we didn't drive once today!) Stephen is loving his conference. Hannah, Gucci and i had a great park and eating out date night. I feel like i should say something about world peace or something bigger than myself now but my life feels so tiny i don't have much big to share. I need to pick up the paper again. about the only thing that would have made this night better would be if So You Think You Could Dance would come on. 

Amy and Aaron are still awaiting Bea's arrival. Not much labor progress seems to be happening this week but if things don't happen on their own in the next few days, they will get some help to encourage some labor. we may be loading back up in the car after camp on Thursday for our favorite new drive, really we love the drive and it is starting to feel so normal! Amy is constantly on my heart and mind and I know this has been an emotional few weeks in their home as they are ready to meet Bea. Thanks to all of you keeping then in your prayers, for a great delivery and for Bea's heart to be strong! 

 

upsie downsie

there were times today where if i had posted my thoughts i'd have some of you on a plane in the coming weeks. it's just so surreal to return from trips to nothing. stephen and i loved to take trips, always, on the weekend or for the summer or whatever, and when we came home, i always felt glad to see my friends, familiar streets and stores, sweet routine, my sofa and sleep on my bed again. when i come home now as happy as i am to see Stephen, the rest of me is like pulling someone off a sofa in slow motion after hours and hours of tv. i know i gotta rally again i just dont want to.   luckily, i am not stuck, there is lots and lots of life out there for us. I just have to go get it. there are just the days when i wish someone wanted to come over to my house and drink coffee or wine or eat lunch or anything. 

today was that day. i wanted a friend, for me, and for Hannah even more. Luckily, today was Hannah's first camp. it was only two hours at our local neighborhood center, but she was excitedly reserved for Birds, Butterflies and Bugs mini-camp. As we were talking about it this morning, she said, "mom, i'm just thinking about Hannah Beth. (as she does A LOT.)" she proceeded to pretend that Hannah Beth called her and asked her to come over and she told her she was sorry she couldn't but she did ask her what shoes she had on (not kidding), and then she did say, "hold on", pause, and then say, "what'd you say Hannah Beth?" it was hAlarious and heart-wrenching all at once. She told me she really wished Hannah Beth was going to camp with her. and I told her I totally got it, that i dream of having just one familiar friendly known face when i enter the days. that i wonder how much easier any of these days would be if we had anyone to share them with. and today feels especially lonely i think because Stephen is off to a work conference for the next few days. I can't tell if i miss him more or am just so jealous that he is the one at a work conference. But i am happy for him too. i want him to shine right now. 

and at last i am probably whimpering coming off of a LOVELY weekend of celebrating anniversary and father's day. they were really really great. i did love our FIRST date night in the city with dreamy cocktails and all new streets to hold hands and restaurants to explore. and father's day just seemed flat out sweet, like Hannah really got it and told Stephen over and over throughout the day that, "dad, i love you, and it's father's day and i love you." it was off the charts and we had fun eating and playing and exploring together on that day. 

 

 

mega prega

alright people, this Bea is holding out on us. Mom & Amy called me on Wednesday morning and said they thought Amy was in labor. I grabbed Hannah and I's packed bags and hopped in the car. I even left dishes in the sink i thought it may go super fast. Amy has offered me the greatest privilege to be in the room with she and Aaron and try to encourage them as they bring this sweet baby into the world. Well... it's Friday night, we are a wee disheartened as Amy is 4cm dilated but the labor isn't consistently active so the doc sent her home. we have eaten spicy food, had danced parties, walked a gazillion blocks, etc. etc.  we just want to meet her so dern bad. she isn't late (39 wks), so all is okay, we just really thought she was coming and Amy is pretty dang ready, so anywho, if you read this, say a prayer for Amy and God's perfect timing for Bea's arrival. 

I have to give up and go home tomorrow as it is my 11th Anniversary and Sunday is Father's day so i gotta get back to my man, we miss him. Thanks for your prayers and any last ditch effort that she may come in the next 12 hours would be AWESOME! 

 

ship shape

i crack up everytime i think about Jasmine's restraint when trying to empathize with me why letting go of so many pieces and chotskie's needed to stay in the house. she is not a sentimentalist, she is a fabulous designer with a great eye. i, on the other hand, have a story behind every platter, card, blanket, picture, jewel, etc. etc. and for at least the first day she kindly listened to the stories. on day two, the response was a little more along the following lines: I think we can let those go, i think we have grown out of that, i think we need a larger memory box. (: (: 

Jasmine hopped on the train from Portand and arrived our first visitor to our home in Seattle. i couldn't believe my joy to host...fresh flowers from the farmer's market, clean sheets, fun foods... i repeat you are all invited to my house... only now it will actually look hostable. She was a super star trying to make the best of our interesting layout and beloved pieces. I really love the progress we made (some pics below) and we are invigorated to keep putting the place together and begin to feel like we are at home. someday i'll be ready for a video tour. 

In the meantime we enjoyed picnic at Greenlake on our hottest day yet (78!!!), where yes, as seen below a lovely woman was walking her TURTLE. yes. seriously. And we also began chipping away at our list of Seattle's best resturuant's and had a very memorable first visit to Sitka and Spruce (also pictured below). Thank you Jaz for being a fab first guest, enduring my endless memorabilia, and the serious home improvement! 

Ready to Welcome

sweet baby Bea, come on now. i think of you everyday now and I think our hearts are ready. i'm pretty sure your momma is ready too (she seems to be running out of space). we have no idea what each day will hold but I think we are all ready to find out, knowing your life will bless and change us all. here are some pics from us making some final touches to your room last week. we all participated, even your big sister Sadie. we laughed a lot (maybe because Ba's first 6 pics all had his thumb in it (:), rearranged furniture over and over (your dad wanted the pieces just right and hoped to make it the perfect warm shiny welcome for you. 

i wanna be a regular

on tuesday morning, i dropped Hannah off at an art drop-in class. it's dreamy and genius to offer. lovely college students play with the kids and do cool art projects.  moms get however many hours they need on that day. it was raining hard and i wanted a good workout and a good housecleaning. hannah was thrilled. we had a whole foods lunch date afterwards that i loved! 

after our fun morning we packed up the car and headed back to Vancouver and we have been here for the last few days. i have been hanging out with the girls while my mom (who's here! yeah!) and Amy participate in a work retreat. Taking care of the girls has been challenging and delightful, more in a minute, and i am also astonished at how long i have now grown accustomed to any adult conversation or news. if i am still in recovery great, but i fear a breakdown nearing if i don't have some chaos soon. 

so Sadie and Hannah... first I think i actually learn more about Hannah by being around another kid and realizing how fabulously unique they are. Sadie wonders, is highly tactile, screams, cuddles, and has no fear of exploration but high fear of things like bugs and big swings. she is determined and curious and instead of discovery through observation or staring like her ol cousin Hannah, she'll touch it and run for it. she has long thin limbs and weighs like nothing. if she wishes you would share something or doesn't like what you've done, she communicates by raising her voice and octave or 3. she is a beautiful spirited girl who i treasure getting to know. i think hannah and i both learn more about ourselves when we are around Sadie and Amy as they live life beautifully and differently than us. i love that their home is becoming so comfortable and easy for us to be a part of, i am so thankful that is a part of our present and future to not just be visitors but regulars. 

 

soul remodel

i can never quite land on the blog look that i feel looks like me and i remain shocked that my fab designer of a hubs doens't want to hook me up. i could also be surprised at how resistant I am to try out new skills, but i have so little patience for the likes of trying out computer layouts. so be forewarned i am trying a few differnet ones out now that we are through the 50 in 50 project. 

if there was a quota for the amount of warm liquids one must try to reach on a rainy June day i think i am there. i've had coffee, tea, hot cocoa and tea again. all at home, so i am not breaking the bank here, but i can't warm up today, even my nose is cold. i'm trying to refrain from going outside and yelling at my brand-new neighbhor who seems to wait everyday until i put Hannah down for nap to start up the LOUDEST piece of machinery he can find whether removing a tree, mowing the lawn, pressure washing, and i don't even know what the spitfire today's project is but i think my house is moving. and really can't we be in a 1-3pm quiet zone. good thing the girl had wilmore fire engine and police car training. 

Yesterday i found Stephen and i standing as close together in the pew as we could in a way that we were almost holding each other up without touching as we allowed our hearts and minds to be comforted just by the familiarity of sounds, words and scripture. it was almost so healing that we struggled to make it through many songs because we found ourselves choked up over and over again. to be in a room with over 500 strangers yet be connected in some divine way is kind of amazing.

the sermon was about the best investment one could ever make - a soul remodel - a chance to allow God to come in and clean house. as i pictured the rooms in my heart i felt surprised that rather than this sense that God would be tripping over so much junk that some rooms were actually quite empty, waiting to be filled. now granted the doors sometimes slam closed as a new manager takes over to get life in order it is "supposed" to be, but these rooms are more empty and available for God's movement than i recall in many years. the others i imagined to have nice little stacks with things somewhere in the middle and bottom that i am hoping we don't so much have to get back to, the stacks look better. overall the message got me as I definetely have been experiencing God cleaning house and it is very hard to watch some things move down the street and some things be completely thrown out but when the pastor spoke of our hearts and souls as a temple, a place where God can rest and can create beauty, i really got it in a new way. most of the references i can ever recall for my body as a temple where so that I wouldn't smoke or have sex or something. not that those didn't have a place in the message book but i only recall them more in the context of fear not invitation as it feels now. so i recieve this new kind of invitation with bigger hopes for the remodel. 

Day Fifty

i woke up knowing today was number 50. it had to be genius, perfect, complete, and profound. no pressure. of course Hannah could not dare whine or be sad for a single moment on day 50. me either. 

even though i favor the dramatic, i do recognize that while writing each day has been a great challenge that i feel sure will gain significance to Hannah and I in time, that we couldn't actually get it all figured out in 50 days. in the scope, it's actually a short amount of time, like people may not have actually been given the chance to miss us yet. i know it is just the beginning. 

for any of you who have reached out to me during this time, know you have said the perfect thing at the perfect time to keep me going and give me strength. knowing you were with me and hearing your thoughts blessed and strengthened me, thank you. that won't ever change of course, i will always love hearing from you. 

my heart is content and i am learning each and everyday which is more than i can say about myself over the last few years. i was too busy to learn, too sure to hear, too consumed for discovery. i have been surprised that while this move, which feels so frequently ridiculous when i ever contemplate what we left, continues to feel like our next step for our little crew. i actually want to fall out when i let it settle that God wants to do and offer very new and right things for each of us.  how to keep our hearts open will remain the challenge for each of us. 

our 50 days have been protected, generous, filled with goodness of beauty and taste. filled with moments of learning what it means to raise a 3 year old and support a man in his new work, to feel confident of myself regardless what was accomplished in the day and how few accolades were offered. to release all that isn't and embrace whats before us each day. to desire the most in ways that feel healthy. to accept more simplicity even when sometimes that flat out means less. i am one for noise and i do believe these walls will be filled again but for now, we set up shop by ourselves and have yet to set the table for more than 3.  i long to set it for more in so many ways. so much life to be had. and if there is ANY doubt you are ALL invited ANYTIME. very very seriously, even with an awkward floor plan, there is a guest room that we will be setting up this weekend. 

so in case you were hoping it may be... this isn't the end of my blogging, its so therapeutic and life giving for me. it may be more sporadic or more topical, we'll see. Cheers to 50 in 50!

(this is day 50 in all it's simple glory)

 

 

home life devotion

today was a highly domestic day. and truthfully that really wasn't bad, in fact i took joy in many moments throughout the day. one of the definitions of domestic actually is devoted to the home and that felt positively new to try on.  As a whole, my feet hurt and i have little capacity left which meant I double checked with PH when he got home if he wanted to watch anything in the room so i could dually catch up on Private Practice and watch So You Think You Can Dance auditions in the living room. alone. i want to zone. forgot to save energy for the ol spousarooski.

i woke up early and went for a run around Greenlake, it felt warmer than the past days and my legs felt strong so i was very thankful. We had a playdate coming to our house for the first time. Hannah was muy pumped about Gabriel and Lucas, the two sons of an old colleague of mine from the Charlotte Chamber whose husband was recruited to be a Microsoft Evangelist (half of Seattle works for either Boeing, Microsoft, or Amazon).  They moved to Seattle (truthfully, closer to Redmond so about a 25 minute drive) a few weeks before us. Hannah and Gabriel have really enjoyed playdates together and it was so bizzare to have our first kid over. they wrecked the place but smiled a lot.

pretty much the next few hours of the day were spent in the kitchen. i even tried to take pride in the beauty of our lunch plates.  Hannah and I baked cookies, i tested out using half almond flour (don't tell Stephen).  My sweet daughter who doesn't not share affection regulary or easily leaned up to me half way through the cooking making and kissed my cheek. it was very precious to me. i get maybe 2-3 kisses a week even though i ask like 2-3 times a day. 

Fast forward a little and I made my first round ever of meatballs and homemade tomato sauce.  while i was cooking, i tried out Noisetrade to listen to some new music, which i literally haven't done in YEARS (PH finds all our music).  I loved that. i had these great moments of serving my fam through cooking these healthy fun meals and loved the music.  All the while i was mowing through about 4 loads of laundry and trying to get all the floors swept today. as well as tracking after a pee-pee accident and spilled milk.  ahhhh, i repeat, highly domestic, but also, very satisfying.