happy end of summer

tonight was beautiful to me. the tastes, the smell, the music, the teeny tiny moment that stood still so I could hug it. summer can have that affect. when its not choking you wiht the heat it can have the perfect mix of goodness in the late evening with the cicadas screaming, the tomatoes plump, the peaches sweet, the wine crisp, and the sweaty kid smiling just for extra time awake with us.

how do i even begin to catch up... i shouldn't try, but only to say the summer continued very much in the same vein as my last post. i was in the throws for most days of beating down oversized expectations and finding all the silver linings... that have been there all along but didn't get my attention. so all days didn't look perfect but i was aware of this new sense, this new place God was continually asking me to be in of gratitude and desire. because of that i have sat with Hannah more, watched and kissed her more, I have entered in again at work, turning the page and rewriting more of that potential, i have tried on grace with my husband more often and known the days to let things be, and i have hoped big in friendship and also found more contentendess in the little things between friends. not all perfectly and all the time but all more consciously.

i have also taken better care of myself, trying to be more generous to new hairs on my face or inches on my thighs and really really enjoyed my strength in excercise and the space that is alloted for just me in excercise. I have run all summer long and loved it. i love the time alone, i love the music, i love the inches on my thighs that are getting stronger. and we have starting taking my chrohn's more seriously again and we have been following mostly paleo diet and eating beautiful fresh meals. im about to pass out for my desire for baked goods but i love feeling like i am actively caring for my body and doing good by it by eating no processed foods and as much local fresh food as possible. i feel good. Stephen helps a lot.

i want to write again if anyone on earth is still trying to keep up but i am realistic too now that trying to shove 40 hours of work into 4 days makes my desire to sit in front of the computer outside of that really low. and my brainwidth and heartwidth aren't always there but it's therapuetic when i can and i want to remember our life.

so happy end of summer, here are a VERY few pics of what we've been up to.

 

you light up my life. decade check.

(the title gives everyone who knows how much i sing to imagine me singing this, and i do, to stephen) HA. 

after writing around 40 gifts on my list of gracias I read over them. and then smiled. one had been repeated unknowingly. a grace giving husband. as we celebrated our 10th anniversary this month, I consider how deeply grateful I am to be with someone so graceful. the way he offers me this grace is like fresh air and a swift kick at the same time. by loving me beyond and through the circumstances and also not allowing somethings to overcome me or gain more weight than they need. i don't know how to teach someone grace but in my life so far I find I am never able to forget the ones who extend it to me so naturally because I want to be more like them.

i raced home from work on our anniversary this week looking forward to showing Hannah our wedding video. until i realized it was a.. umm.. a VIDEO. like a cassette, like DHS not DVD. sad. then i felt a wee old that we were married long ago enough that there were no digital photos to roll through and no DVD to watch. 

our dear friend alli gave us the chance to stay at a hyatt in downtown vancouver for a special night to celebrate. we had the best time, it seems it never gets old to date. you have to be more creative on what to talk about (we manage to have a longer list of things to not bring up) but we love to eat drink and be merry together. we loved the interior design of the resturaunt, we loved the views from the hotel, we loved the logo on our menu, we loved tasting a fresh cocktail with egg white in it (weird but yum), we loved running together on the seawall, we loved uninterrupted time together to pray about our future, we totally love visiting a famed espresso house that made latte's to die for with hearts on top. i love walking the streets holding hands.

so after a year that has been had its share of tension and heavy in the home, we celebrated well. we are hoping big and in some ways letting go in order to live more fully together. i feel more sure today than maybe even 10 years ago (am i supposed to say that) that there is no one in the world i'd rather do life with than Stephen. he is my best friend, my grace giving husband, a hopeful man and a loving father.  Here's to the next decade!!!!!

life of gracias

i'm prepping for our last day in Vancouver. its rough. it took me a long time to calm down and this much time in a row off work is pretty wild. mentally, i'm already back at work because my anxiety is flaring for all that needs to get done. emotionally i am trying to take deep breaths because i don't want to think about waking up Tuesday and leaving before Hannah wakes to start a 10 hour day away from her. I don't want to think about not seeing Sadie. or going for a run with Stephen or lounging around with Amy. how blessed we've been for this little slice of time. a rich slice mixed with totall remarkable experiences like Mayne Island, Stanley Park, the Vancouver Aquarium, Granville Island, Prado's muffins, Commercial Drive Italian Day, Canucks winning games in the Stanley Cup, the ooey gooey cinanmon rolls, picnics at Kitsalino beach, seeing Sadie's first steps, Hannah's first bus ride, etc. etc. etc. and the very everday things like naps, breakdowns, cleaning dishes, email, money stress, etc. 

so i don't totally know how to process this time right now or all that was meant to be out of this special treat of time. i often learn in hindsight. I know while i have been here I have been thinking a lot about a gratitude. my father-in-law gave me a book, a thousand gifts, that is beatifullly written with very gritty ideas for me during this particular space in my life. ideas about a disposition of gratitude during the empty and the full. the idea of naming gifts everyday. whether they be big or small... so naming the gift of perculating coffee to the feeling of a daughter reaching for my hand or stephen's lips meeting my every night as my final memory of each day. i have been writing them down but more important than that, it's the training, the practice of thankfulness, or viewing the gifts with new eyes and therefore entering days with a softening for me. being here, it's easy to think of gifts. i want to return home the same life of gracias. actually there is a lot i want to return home and do and be (as always lady with great expectations) but anywho, i'm thinking about practicing this gratitude gig as these season of thickness continues. trying not to focus too much on the fact that tomorrow is the last day of this dreamy slice of time but of all that i saw and did and tasted while i was here and who I got to do that with each day. hmm. it was so rich. Gracias. muchas gracias.

 

an island is surrounded by water

i hardly need to say anything. the pics will say it all. dreamy trip to mayne island to stay at their friend's place. Hannah's first ferry boat ride. my first kayaking. a fabulous house on the water. ahhhh. 

picnics, flowers, a beautiful japenese garden, an awesome playground that had a 4 seater seesaw and a zip line! we had loads of fun. i love seeing Stephen relaxed and goofy, we don't do that near enough. 

please note that Hannah could NOT resist getting in Kiki, Aza, and Sadie's family pic. CRACKED me up. 

 

 

wilson-roberts home

i really love seeing the ins and outs of someone's homes. sometimes it stresses me out, their system awry from mine and i feel lost. and sometimes i feel curious of how other's set up their worlds to operate just right for their priorities and their life. everytime i think i am not a control freak i tell myself to relax in someone else's system.. but this time it's working. even in a nondishwasher home, i am finding peace looking out of the window and spacing out with the steamy hot water and dish after dish after dish. it's been relaxing.

the other thing is that amy and aaron have set up their home to serve and to host. and watching them in action hosting is quite fun. for starters, 25 minutes before amy's mom group comes over and we are at the gym i say, "what time are they coming over?" and she tells me, and i say... "so do you have the right foods, should we pick up a bit?" and she reminds me that they are laid back and that it is more about being together. I am endeared and dumbstruck all at the same time.

but when i look at the pieces that make up their home, the perfect pitchers, the colorful bookcases, the thoughtful artwork, the comfortable couches, the huge garden, the plentiful chairs, the compost, and the grand dining room I realize just how amy and aaron it is. and so i am enjoying learning from thier life a bit and seeing a different system in action.

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day 2 had its ups and downs. mostly it lasted forever. when you start at 5am, days last a long long time. Hannah was up much of the night with asthma and a cold. poor thing. so we spent a good portion of the day in the rainy indoors. it was still great. i love being with her, we curled on the sofa and her cheek was pressed against mine as she watched an episode of curious george on the ipad and i didn't realize i had totally fallen asleep. below is pics of yesterday and the airport. she was literally beside herlself to get on an airplane. TOTALLY pumped and never even considered on 6 hours of flights falling asleep.

and in case you have been waiting... here is my precious niece that i am also THRILLED to being sharing my days with... she is the tiniest little peanut i ever saw. she is so happy and smiley and i am excited to get to know her. first cousin bath!!!

all is good on the western front

So far this morning I have seen a woman blowing bubbles walking to work (no kids in tow). skateboards, bikes and sneakers as main modes of transportation. loads of dogs. bakery. coffee shop. bakery. coffee shop. lots of MACS. tats everywhere. and in general most all the people floating in and around this coffee shop are smiling. and its dark and 45 degrees in late May. what are these people on? no kidding the guy beside me said, "life's too short to worry about all the little things." and i was like okay, am in Pleasantville or something?i took the slow motion spirit a little too seriously on day one here in Vancouver and accomplished 1/4 of what i needed to, but i am seemingly easing right into the mode.

the pic above is from one of our favorite coffee shops on commercial drive called Prado. we opened the joint this morning and they brought the a freshly baked cream cheese oat and bluberry and blackberry bran muffin right to our table. HEAVEN.

so, all is good on the western front. we are here. people are chi. and we have 2 full weeks with sadie, amy, and aaron in one of our favorite cities in the world. hope to make the time to share all sorts of moments with you.

the race is already won

i have a bit of an achievement problem. i really don't like to under achieve, appear lazy or fall behind in pretty much anyway. i don't know anyone who really does but for me, it's a driver. one that sits on the bench next to expectations for me and takes up too much space.

we tried potty training. it was awful. Horrible. it harkened me back to sleep training, which i also found to be entirely heinous. Everyone has their method. we chose the "pottywise" way, and i am not remarking at all on that book, i am remarking on the fact that it 100% did not suit my baby girl. we tanked.  i know the kid won't go to kindergarten in diapers but i hope we didn't do any real harm to her. i had so much anxiety hoping my kid was getting chock full of liquids so she could put pee in the potty that i nearly lost my mind.sheesh.

by sunday i went to church alone. and during the song You're Here

"Jesus, you're the author of my heart
Told me you wanted every part
And now my life and its demands
Are resting safety in your hands

And I can hear your voice inviting:
"I'm here,
I'll never leave your side
My stubborn weary child
I am still here
Please let me lead you on
Your race is already won
I am your God"

And something just sat with me. ash, what are your trying to prove? the race is already won. you stubborn weary child. Breathe deep and know, He is there. we are good. there is no gain in the earliest potty trainer, there is no gain in the hardest working woman, there is no gain in the thinest lady. okay, we'll maybe some gain to all of those, but you see the point... what exactly do i push so hard for... do i need to? i'm covered. i'm loved. Hannah too. who is measuring? i can't push harder that i will gain more favor from God. it seems that can't be true but i am to believe it is. He loves me now. He loves Hannah now. what's the dern worst thing about a failed potty train attempt? my pride?

So i walk away, not defeated, but with another learning. and also bigger than that, reminded that every once in a while its worth slowing down enough out of our plans to figure out what they are really all about. i don't think my intentions for wanting Hannah to be potty trained were bad. in fact i still believe she could do it. but when my best laid plan and best timing doesn't work out, i gotta let go. its not the end of the world. in fact, the race is already won. breath.

 

 

bottle up

"momma, you like my princess panties?" Hannah asks me as she tries out her new Belle (from Beauty and the Beast) undies.  we are trying to get her pumped up for potty training. 

"oh sweetie, they are lovely!" I boast at the site of my girl in big girl panties.

"momma, you want some princess panties someday?" she sincerely asks me. 

after grinning at her train of thought and sentence formation, i gleefully answer, "yes please."

"okay." she says pensively. 

about 10 minutes later she runs back to the bathroom to find Stephen. 

"daddy, you like my princess panties?" I hear her say. 

"Hannah, what a big girl, I do like them" he says. 

"you want some someday?" hannah asks him. 

long pause. huge grins from us both. How does he not squelch the excitement of these awesome panties and at the same time break the news the he doesn't wear "panties" and most certainly nothing with princesses. i wish at the time i had thought to tell him to say he might like pair of prince boxers but i wasn't fast enough.

nonetheless i love this memory. of her growing up, curiousity, of wondering if we should all love and apparently therefore have all the same stuff. oh she is so dear and i want SO bad to bottle this age. oh, please let it last longer, i love our conversations right now. i love hearing her responses and even more her questions? i love seeing what she notices, and i love the way she already wants to share anything that is good with me whether that be princess panties or her last dried apricot.