oh to be trendy

Secret hobby of mine is checking out fashion trends. i am curious, i love the creativity and i get lost for a little bit when i look each season. its a secret because it correlates in no way with what i wear the next day. It was revolutionary to me about five years ago that top reason for purchasing could not be a)because it was the only one that fit b)it was on sale c)it was comfy. knowing and living, two different things. 

I feel like style has been on a roll the last few seasons and I have been especially desirous of pre-recession guilter free clothes buying. not the necessity basics but the real charmers. I have come to realize that while I do have a lot of clothes, my closet is full of the real charmers. from like 10-12 years ago that i am desperately hoping come back in style. and some have thankfully. others should be burned. someone once offered to go through my closet with me and help me let go of some super special charmers. or the clothes i have held on to for years sure i was going to be that size again. i couldn't do it. these charmers have SO many memories at this point. like 10 years worth. like first kiss with Stephen, honeymoon clothes, graduation clothes, clothes from Spain (can truly be qualified as a middrift that is too embarrassing even to clean in at this point) If i was really going to purge i would use this entry as therapy and take pictures of some of the items i am talking about. listen, i waited long enough that elastic waist skirts and prints are back. bright colors appear to be back and i found one the other day in my short sleeve box. score, except it stops at my belly button. 

so i was thinking for mother's day a shopping spree would be good. since i've never had one and all. and then i saw a few styles for the seasons are. and friends, i know it is just my opinion but the belt purses. these are fanny pack do overs. i appreciate the sensibility more than ever, but really are we going there? second is for shorts this season. gasp. jean shorts aka jorts is one thing, but the old school cutoff jean shorts came back?.. seriously. no way. i have memories in those i have been trying to forget for 12 years. except for what my thighs looked like coming out of them at 18. for the love, how can these be back, it's hurtful and leaves me with no option but to wear mom shorts. period. i wish like heck i could wear no shorts but we are minutes away from 85 degrees at 6am. 

may i say one last thing about trends. who knew that haircolor was a trend? anyone? where have i been? i can't monitor one more thing in my life but can someone tell me when it is red. I’ve always

 wanted to go red. 

2.7 year phrases to remember

i guess at some point I will get used to it, but it seems impossible. the things that come out of this sweet child's mouth... where did she get them from? I love her mind, her sense of humour and the things she apparently picks up. here are few examples from the last few days. 

it's 9pm, she's been in her bed talking and trying to get to sleep for 1.5 hours. I walk in with a stern face ready to get her to sleep.. "oh mom, i like the flowers on your shirt." I laugh. no more stern face. 

next day we go to the Common Market for a sandwhich, as we are walking in, a young woman says to Hannah, "I like your sunglasses." I resist prompting Hannah to say thank you, only to hear her say, "You like my sunglasses? I like your sunglasses too."

WHERE does she get these social cues. they seriously crack me up. and are so endearing to her independent, sweet and ever so feminine spirit. 

and just about each day now which is somewhat breaking my heart. She will see me or Stephen getting ready in the morning and say her very favorite question, "what doing?". we'll say getting dressed, showering, etc. then she'll say, "where you going?" we'll say work. she'll say, "where'm i going?" everyday. its hard because i want very badly to answer nowhere, we are playing all day. 

and literally, everyday, she will actually take the time as soon as I get home to check me out and say, "oh, cute shoes mom."

every person in any store or crowd or resturaunt or really anywhere, the first thing this precious girl notices is shoes. i like her shoes mom, oh cool shoes, look at her flip flops. she has tennis shoes. oh, those are cute shoes mom. 

it's hilarious. a little bit. except she already changes shoes like 2 or 3 times a day, it's the biggest desicion of her morning. 

last night, i am trying to get her ready for bed and I tell her it is very late and it's time to go to sleep and she says, "i don't see the moon." seriously. again, laugh. how did she come up with that (and yes i know you can see the moon in daylight but the association)

and then today she asks Stephen, "where did my pink toes go?" we painted them for the wedding for the first time. she literally loves them and show and tells everyone, "i have pink toes." the hello kitty paint is clearly chipping and it is stressin her out. "where'd my pink toes go daddy?" and the cutest is her dad, who didn't want her toes painted so early says you are so beautiful with or without your toes painted little one.

and one of my favorite recent memories is that recently as she tucks her baby dolls to their little crib, she makes sure they have a blanket and then she sings Jesus Loves Me to them. i can't get over the dearness. 

*i came back a day later to add one that i can't believe i missed, which is the statement we hear most often and harkens right back to my childhood, which is... "i do it myself." wow. already. shocker right, no i know, you are laughing. 

Untitled

Spring is for sure here. the sun feels so good. its time for So You Think You Can Dance Season 8 because I have been so caught up in Parenthood and The Good Wife I've been a tear-ed up mess. I do love those shows thow, sheesh. can someone suggest some good books to me pretty please, I wanna be caught up in a book. 

we had a march madness cookout with friends that was real fun. we love hosting and cooking and seeing all these kids have fun. i can't believe we are too the point that now when we have friends over it's more or as fun for Hannah as us, yeah! we also had a quick visit with the Osters Sr. that she LOVED!

then we were off to my dear cousin Lori's wedding in the VA Outer Banks. It is worth sparing the details of our car from Rent-A-Wreck and our accomodations at Nostalgia, and we'll say it was a good trip and our girl likes adventure. but mostly she likes people. at the wedding where there were no other children under 12, she would go up to guests and say, "what's your name" or "whatry doin?" and then proceed almost before they answered to find something of their outfit or appearance and compliment it for example, "oh, i like your pink toes" or "that is a pretty shirt".  I kid you not, she had a compliment for everyone. it was so endearing. 

and a few family photo opps that the beach provided. forever grateful for all the love of Ba and Susu and the joy Hannah has of being in relationship with them, as well as me.  and i really love my extended family too. fun to be with you Rowe's, congrats Lori, and we missed you much Peters and Bokowy's (and Amy and Bry!)

Readinnnnnaana w. Hannah

surprise triggers

balled my eyes out to the musical Grey's Anatomy show. Which i consider a pretty low point considering i should have been laughing. i completely blame my hormones. it's embarrassing to say aloud. 

since sunday it has been hitting me like a ton of bricks. there is a ton more time and there isn't. hannah is closer to 3 than 2. i am back up to 40 hours not down to 20. we are starting over on things i wanted figured out and not starting on things i wanted done. i want a second pair of hands splashing in the bathtub and giggling for no good reason. i want for Hannah to wake up and run to greet her sibling who can have breakfast with her. i want her to have someone to tell stories about, to defend, to kiss on. i want her to be 33 and have them over for wine and movies. i want her to want to be closer to them, to share clothes and maybe makeup. i want her to have someone else cheering for her games and throwing the ball with her. i want to watch her teach them.

and i spend so much more time shoving these emotions as far down as possible. because they make me feel weak or selfish. and because i have absolutely no control. so for Pete's sake it takes a ridiculously shameless ABC move to pull it all out of me where i can't keep hoping it will go away. it's so core. and the thing is it's so good. not weak, not selfish. maybe if i change the message to myself it will feel okay to say these things outloud and to give space to feel them more often. 

**the sidebar i can't resist saying is that i have been struggling to blog honestly because it does feel intense and i am always afraid it presents itself worse than i want it to. the thing is i don't know how to blog as well on the sunny more regular days but they DO exist and i don't know how to miss these days that i want to remember when i am struck and struggling. writing helps me think, so maybe i should just stick to the private journal. in some ways i am hoping deep deep down that these are all the log of things i can look back on and see how so very good and gracious and caring God has been to us. 

spirit boosters

A tea party. LOADS of Carolina basketball. (She can now say Go Tarheels on demand! Next goal learning fight song). Real warm (and sometimes rainy) early spring days. 

Grub Club at our house. St. Patty's Day parade. And more sun and more basketball. These warm days and good competitive basketball have been a spirit booster and have gotten us out a lot. Hannah could spend all day outside and be happy. friends, tarheels, fresh flowers, and good food, tea parties, great conversations, ahh. 

i know

it's the way we move around the house with each other. all the tiny things that speak when you know someone so well. when all the quirks are on the table but you also know you've crossed another threshold. this weekend my gut has told me we crossed another threshold without a lot of words but in the way we are operating.

when I am always aware of the scorecard it helps no one. when the minutes passed 5pm seem like an hour a piece as you wait for change. as the weekend nights pass by with little glitter. and i really love glitter. we put so much weight into our weekends. they are our chance to catch up...on sleep, on groceries, on cleaning the yard and the house, to run. they are chance to love up on hannah and hang out with friends. cook. and this one, we are weary and unaligned.

 i got this sense of the depth of Ph and I's love and commitment to one another in the little things. Being the first to clean Hannah's high chair tray or diaper, wanting to do exact opposite things but finding ways to meet in the middle, resisting passenger seat driving,
our way of moving around each other that was easy and heavy, tender and lack luster, tried and true. it's the times with less words that actually feels more powerful. the jabs you resist.

last night as we close out this disconnected but connected weekend, right before closing my eyes I share a simple sentence to which Stephen responds, "i know." we reconnect.  and we know as troubled as our hearts may seem, as scared and unknown as things feel right now, that we both rely on a similar Voice, on a similar Presence, a similar Wisdom that we trust will get us on the other side of this too.

it's true, God is not anti-wine.

Below are some of the responses that I have received once informing dear friends that I am giving up wine for Lent...

"Jesus drank wine at the Passover meal. Just so u remember."

"Oh...Oh... yikes."

"I'm going to email you 10 better things to give up than wine" and she did, here are a few of her great suggestions of better items to sacrifice for Lent:

1. Laundry

2. Deodorant (ask Bebo)

3. Flossing

4. Plucking eyebrows

5. Rooting against Dook.

and on and on... and they were hilarious. Hilarious.

"Are you really? Here's to the high sacrifice"

"One year I gave up weekday drinking."

"It doesn't seem like the right time."

The responses could go on and on, but you get the point. First of all people are hilarious. Second of all, people are very skeptical of this decision. Third of all potentially I am overly associated with wine. So here is to breaking the system. I went to my first wine and cheese event post Ash Wednesday (keep in mind that was yesterday and the event was today), and all went swimmingly. actually, i have just arrived home, very joyful for a fun night of trying on jewelry as a part of a trunk show and feeling great about mixing things up a bit by hanging with the H2O.

truth is I may be hoping a little too much from Lent. Like hoping Lent is going to save me. solve things. shed light. So i am at least a little determined to try to soak in the Lenten season in the ways I can, to feel sacrifice and in that draw near to truths I know i believe but that i have been trying to avoid. remember I am working overtime to resist this deep and in some small way, i'm considering (its still day 2 i repeat) that Lent, that remembering the story my very faith is built around, may soften me or renew me to not just plough through right now.

Haircut time

two people in my house were in dire straights for a haircut. well actually three, but two made it happen last week. as you'll see ms. hannah took her first haircut in stride. she is so growing up. and for the record, i only had her hair trimmed and the bangs fixed so she didn't have hair in her face all the time but i couldn't risk choppin the curls. and as you'll see my man is special.

I'm a year older, a valentine, and still cookin

february is gone. how on earth did that happen? oh my. and even better we started the day with jingle bells. she loves that song, she can't quit singing it. oh dear Hannah if you could know how cool you are these days. you are so curious, so funny, so unbelievably stubborn, so particular, and so very lovely. i sense too your awareness of serious conversations between dad and I, of tears you've witnessed, of raised voices and silence, of us being hurried, you carry those differenlty now. we are not slipping anything by you. and i don't care how darn cheesy it sounds, but you do totally make me want to be the better person - the better mom, the better wife an the best working lady. 

well, i had a wonderful birthday with some superbly lovely friends. a pedicure and tapas was my dream night and some very dear friends on a very impromptu desicion humored me and joined me and it was good. i felt so light hearted and enjoyed a foot rub, fun conversation, wine, and lots of yummy bites of delish food. i felt a year older. 

the month has been a mixed bag of very intense, very long work hours with what feels like very very little reward. greeted by heaviness at home and all sorts of family stuff. but we have also had these bizzarely warm februrary days that have brought on wonderful days in the park with Hannah, good grilling and an evening by the fire outside. and we have continued to stay in the rhythm's of reading Project 345 and cooking. a few recent meals include valentine's dinner lamb, swedish fishcakes and an avocado salad followed by portuguese tarts we made for friends, stephen spoiled dad and I with a sticky scallop and bok choy bday dinner and we made chicken satay this week. its been so very therapeutic. 

so we carry on, well even. never letting goodness pass us by without recognition because it just seems to fall sweeter each time we receive it.