simple saturdays

Saturdays are beginning to have their own little rythym. We have been in town a lot on weekends it seems, which is unusual for us, but the upside is rythym. for all of us. stephen and i take turns on sat. morning of who gets to sleep in a little. the other person tries to get Hannah to cuddle/rest as much as they can on the sofa while they wake up. she loves it and requests the sofa as soon as she wakes up. then once coffee is made and the time is right we take a cup of coffee back to the sleeper and begin them waking up wiht some more lounging around while we set the day's plan. then we hit the market to grab the goods for the upcoming week's meals. then the other various and sundry errands before a lunch and rest time for all. today we tossed in a park visit because it was 50 degrees and sunny. and i have been wanting the chance to keep practicing with our new camera.

the meal above was jamie's oozy mushroom risotta with a simple salad and mini cheesecakes (the crumbles made from hazelnuts and butter, oh yeah). it was good. the first homemade risotto i made i actually made in the oven which i am sure is cheating but it was still delish and a lot less tedious. risotto needs tlc, but tastes yuuum.and for the health folks you can actually use short grain brown rice (arriborio) and have a simliar resulting texture.

happy weekend all!

Flying above snow

It’s hard to believe the calmness, even the light above snow clouds. down there people are shoveling out of their driveways, sledding down hills, sitting by fires, trying to get to work, enjoying the forced break in pace, making snow angels, drinking cocoa, ahhhhh. Goodness mostly except all the people that are stuck and wish they were somewhere else.

And here I am cruising above the beauty and chaos thinking through my own.

I get this deep calls to deep feeling this days. And I sense my physical resistance to wanting to go deep. I sense my desire to slough and muscle through without as much heart engagement as I know deep down might be necessary to live well right now.  We are staring at life and it feels like the most precious balance of when we are the pursuers of our days or when we are the robots. So I know I don’t want to be a robot but to be a pursuer, to be living more fully more consciously takes a will I am shocked I don’t have right now. Aggravated actually. I pride myself on strength or know how and I don’t know how right now.

It doesn’t feel like a low season at all.  It feels like a thick season. Is there such a thing, no I know, but a season where the layers are stacking like laundry and while there are very beautiful pieces in there, I gotta pick them up, fold them and figure out where they go. And I can’t find all the matches. And Hannah and Stephen are also impacted if I can’t find the other sock. Yes, I took the analogy too far, but my point is, these thick layers are stacked with disappointment, curiosity, hope, anxiety, anticipation, love, responsibility and my ignoring these has an affect on those in my everyday life. One that I want to be good. 

 

 

we love you Jamie, oh yes we do

we are having so much fun with this cookbook. and each other. it's like date nights, at home, midweek. it's been really great for us amidst a heavy season to pick out recipes, shop at the farmer's market, prep the kitchen, smell new smells, try new tastes and enjoy the time together.

So, we have done four more meals - rigatonni with wild rocket and cucumber salad, spinach feta filo pie, green curry chicken with kimichi slaw, sea bass with pancetta and homeade frozen berrry yogurt. On all four accounts YUM. the two that rise to the top for sure - the spinach filo pie and the sea bass (actually, we had to use halibut, apparently sea bass is not in season) were AWESOME. totally new gastro experiences for me. totally unexpected flavors. i'll forward any recipes if anyone wants one.

how other aspirations are going: we still love Project 345. i'm still attempting to cut back on sugar, putting aside a fullout craving that my college roomates, mal and anna, will appreciate was a need for brownie dough. it was just a day ago. i tried so hard since 1pm to resist my body's call for the chocolate delight, but at 8:38pm, i caved, with no regrets. it hit the spot.

bon apetit.

lullaby lesson

I am trying desperately to think of all the benefits of growing up. it's a short list. like sex and wine are all that come to mind. I realize that isn't good, but the responsibility of being an adult and the gray hairs and wrinkles are about to put me over the top. i feel like we are such a work in progress with so much on our minds so often. is it because we are the wandering sort? the discontented? the overachievers? or is this the life? okay so there are other benefits like relationships with family, friends, and deeper understanding of faith, marriage.

but i have a dear friend going through chemo. i'm not ready for that. it breaks my heart. i can't know people with cancer. i have absolutely no way to fix it.

and work, we live in the debate of is work, work or should work always be connected to our purpose, our hearts? how do we know our space for the days or does it not matter all that much at the end?

all i want is to grow the family. we can't without a hell of a process and verification of capability. i am so wiped out trying to muster the strength to reenter infertility. i'm too pissed, too sad. i don't want that to be our story.

can i really stay a working mom with this love for work that is not to be outdone for my deepest love for more time with Hannah? do i have a choice in this? sometimes i wonder because of my design if i have a choice?

can i really circle through cycles of 10 hour work days matched by frenzied feeding, bathing, reading followed by dirty dishes, overflowing laundry, another missed workout routine, and all the planning to survive the next rounds of much of the same? oh yeah and the wife thing. i want to be an available wife. does balance exist or just the balance of sacrifice?

is it all bigger than me and we focus too much on the wrong things? how can i be fired up about more eternal things?

i learned when Hannah was little that it is really good to sing to kids as you are putting them to sleep because they play the melodies in their heads over and over. I sort of feel sorry for the fact that i have no harmony to my melody, but hannah ask me all the time, "sing it again momma". the song that we have been stuck on is God is so Good. One night i am singing to her and i start to ask myself how much i believe all the lyrics, God is so Good, He answers prayers, He loves me so, and this wave of emotion came over me. As i am singing, He answers Prayers and looking at Hannah's face, i miss a few beats and take a deep breath.  ahh, our memories are so short. So short on the provisions, the miracles, the gifts, the goodness. And i knew real clearly at that moment that i would rather spend the rest of my life believing in that song and being wrong that not believing in that song. i gotta believe it... God is so Good. He answers Prayers. He Loves me so.

the picture is bigger. actually it's huge. so i can grow up. happy even, wrinkles and tires aside. remembering all that has abounded thus far and try to look head on with anticipation, hope not fear or worry. God loves me so. God loves Hannah so. God loves Daddy so.  One question at a time.

these are the days.

i hear screaming. i turn over and my first thought as usual is, "please don't let it already be the morning," and it's not. it's 3am. the screaming becomes coherent the closer i get to her room and I realize she is saying at the top of her voice, "I want CHOCOLATE milk momma, I WANT Chocolate milk." I have never in my life given her chocolate milk or talked about it. i have no idea how this is coming out of her mouth but even at 3am, it's making me laugh. she must have dreamed about chocolate milk because once i hold her i realize she isn't so much awake.and i am endeared even more that that is what her dreams are made of at this point.

she amuses us daily right now. its all the little things, like the fact that she sometimes changes her sentence to a whisper for emphasis. i think it's because i have come to realize i talk Oprah to Hannah with the way my intonations go UP and down with great holds and pauses....(hear introducing Tina FEEEY). her whispers are typically related to excitement. or the fact that if we help her down a step or something, she will go back up and do it over so she can "do it herself". often even exaggerated like if we help her down one step she'll go back up five and start over. big payback time for my childhood. she is so dern independent.

Yesterday I was off from work and not feeling awesome so i wanted to be lazy at the house with Hannah. She told me she needed to go see her friends. She began listing who she needed to visit... and .... and .... i laughed. your'e two, sweetie, we can take a breather from the social agenda. seriously. then we play a bit of hide and seek and i try not to be upset that she cannot get the concept and she hides in the same place everytime and when i get close at all, instead of staying quite and hiding, she says, "here I am!". same place. and she wants to do it again.

bryan and amy gave her two baby frogs for Christmas and she greets them every morning, "Hey little guys, hey!" as she was assisting me cooking the other night I caught her trying to share her apple with the frogs by shoving it in the airhole for their house. mom and dad gave her baby Calin, we have quite the diverse baby collection and she is beginning to really love on them, which is fun to see.

not shockingly, she is also a bit bossy. telling me, 'no dancing mommy. no singing mommy." and telling gucci just about everything to do. oh, it's funny. and i knew i was in for it. luckily in the midst of many characteristics i recognize from my childhood, i also still see her great observance and curiousity like Stephen. i see her tenderheartedness and concern. I see her desire to learn and quick adaptation of what she has heard. 

it's all pretty precious, these days. being 2.3.

Rip Roarin to go!

Good start to the new year. as far as my aspirations, i am hanging in there 13 days in and here's what I have to report.

I love Project 345  (http://www.youversion.com/) the project to read the New Testament in 2011. It's very story-like, easy to read and the stories mean such different things to me now as compared to when i was like 12 which may be the last time i did a lot of catechism or something. so it's good. any total epiphanies to be reported. for now, i realize God does appreciate wine as well, He is focused, He is very straight forward while also being totally vague, and His commitment to God's will and timing is amazing.

My goal of reintroducing veggies in my life and hanging back from any form of deserts has actually been quit a success. meaning i haven't eaten desserts. i confess that after 10 days I didn't feel a major change in my waist or my overall health, but it still feels right and good to take a break, so after one day of indulgence, i shall continue. i think my m&m's miss me.

COOKING - we have loved it. and we are ahead of schedule at this point to tackle Jamie Oliver's whole cookbook (http://www.jamieoliver.com/jamies-30-minutes-meals/) in 2011. And i had SOO much fun with Hannah gathering the materials - we went to the farmer's market, and the pasta store, and then Trader Joe's. Ahh, so fun, and i saved money! The first night Stephen and I made broccoli orechetti, courgette salad, and cantaloupe and prosciutto wraps. mm. mm. mmm.

A few nights later, during our snow break, we made tomato soup with crunchy vegetable salad. spicy, scipy, but goood.

A few things to note. we cannot eat red chili's in the quantity of our friend Jamie. the meals have tons of veggies and herbs which we love. the serving portions are too big for us but works out great for lunch leftovers. we cooked with our first anchovies in the pasta. and we all loved the pasta, even Hannah. we are having so much fun! Stephen is picking our next two recipes for next week!

and finally, here i am blogging, yeah, even with energy! And I applied lotion at least 3 times this week, oh yeah. i have felt a real peace this week in friendships and workships. all cheese aside, i sense God's activity right now with and around me and I am thankful. and scared. i have sent a few bold emails out this week, so intentionality 101 is working.

hope you have all had a great week.

Snow Day in CLT, Wahoo!!!

it has been a long time since there was 100% chance of snow precipitation that was going to last all day long. it started in the wee hours, i caught my first glimpse at about 4:42am and the ground was already covered. it was dreamy. i popped up and opened the blinds to watch it fall until I fell back asleep.

its beautiful. it makes my hearts smile. i want to drink coffee and eat pastries all day while cuddling with Hannah. the joy of the neighborhood rang true once again as we all met at the park at the end of the street and went sledding. Hannah, although entirely under dressed for the occasion (we are sans snow gear) loved being with her friends

 

 

 

2011, Welcome.

i like half of the world kicked off the new year with an aspiration related to health. i thought i might take 10-15 days without sugar and work hard to reintroduce vegetables into my diet. no sugar includes wine. which has been totally fine... for THREE days. in efforts to keep to it, i am drinking a Kombucha that my bro gave me. i'm scared to look at the ingredients but he promises its like a healing chinese tea. okay, i just looked at the ingredients and the last one says 100% pure love, clearly this stuff comes from a hippy store in Asheville. Merry Christmas to me, i'm chi already.

So, i like half the world also had other aspirations related to hobbies that i am still hopeful to keep considering through March. (ha!). They included:

Blogging more. The goal is at least once a week. It's therapuetic. It's serving as my memory and Hannah's baby book. And I miss ya'll.

Cooking out of Jamie Oliver's 30 Minute Meal book. It is awesome. If we were truly dedicated we would aim to do a meal a week from this book - there are 50 and we could have a 2 week loss. I would love to accomplish that. and heck blog about it. but i am not welcoming 2011 with much allusion. i have no idea what happened in 2010 it was such a blur.

this brings me to my next hope which is a greater consciousness in the everyday. Meditiation and Intentionalality in relationships. It's worth hoping.

Taking 10 extra seconds on personal things like applying lotion. maybe even washing my face a few nights a week. taking the 8 seconds it takes to appy concealor under my eyes, each and everyday, not just work days. not settling on outfits but putting a little effort into them (by little i mean an extra 2 minutes), it TRULY makes the biggest impact. mostly for me. i ran into someone at the grocery last week, glanced in the mirror on the way to my bathroom and didn't know whether to laugh or cry. post college it's less and less okay to run errands looking like that, oops.

And finally, and probably the one I am most excited about is Project 345 and any of you can join me. It's an effort to read the whole new testament this year. It's totally realistic but a great encouragement to read Scripture and remember and reflect. or learn anew. I'm excited. Today is only day 3, so again, JOiN ME! You go to youversion.com, signup and then look for reading plans - pick Project 345, and it will get you started. It's a Monday - Friday reading plan that they say takes on 3 minutes and 45 seconds out of your day to complete (although by all means take more. meditate, remember. (:) and by the end of the year you will have read the whole New Testament. I'm pumped. it's John 3 today.

So, these are just a few of my ringing in the new year thoughts... Cheers!

Emmanuel = God with Us.

O come, thou Wisdom from on high,
who orderest all things mightily;
to us the path of knowledge show,
and teach us in her ways to go.

O Come, O Come Emmanuel.

the anticipation is building for me. I sat in church last Sunday and realized I was expecting not to be moved and was WHAM! flooded with emotion. I think it had a great deal to do with hearing the stories of our churches engagement in Africa. What was beautiful to me was that our relationship building with a community in Africa has been so thoughtful, so intentional, and so empowering to their community. What also struck me to the point of my personal flood was watching the few people story tell of their engagement on the project and literally seeing the beauty of people living out their skills and hearts as one for a greater purpose, for God's glory. it was tangibly beautiful and left me a mess. and then we sang the below lyrics from the song Relent:

"Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are one."

And although i've actually song that song so many times, this time the words jumped off the screen.  i wanted to shoot my hands in the air and beg God to come be the fire inside of me. i want my drive, my purpose, my feistiness to be up-fitted by your will. that felt so very clear in that space in that moment after those stories. i felt small and huge at the same time. small at all my distractions and less glorious aspirations and huge from considering the power of living more fully into my skill and my heart for something bigger. 

Thank you Emmanuel.