Hoping for Little O again

Almost four years ago, in the early days of Stephen and I processing news of our infertility, someone gave me a few articles about other infertile couples. the thing is these articles were mostly stories of people who faced infertility after having one child. i was outraged that they could even begin to understand infertility when they already had a kid. how dumb. mad as a hornet (my mom says this and it makes me laugh), i disposed of the article and went forward into much of my infertility journey deciding no one understood it.it’s a lonely beast.

Since Hannah was 8 months old, I have been drafting this letter in my head. I haven’t really known how or wanted to talk about the fact that we would return again to face this. it’s like a curse word, infertility (Big I). I have also learned more than i ever wanted to learn over the last 4 years about that word, not just from my journey but from many many very dear friends, all who have their own very personal and very difficult relationship with Big I. It’s so sensitive and so very close to the core of how we tend to identify ourselves and our life plans that when the uncontrollable Big I shows itself over and over it is maddening.

Which is actually what makes it so hard to talk about because it feels impossible to EVER feel bad for myself again. We are the lucky ones, i know. i know. i never forget. But we also aren’t the ones that have the option to plan a pregnancy or at this point have a pregnancy at all. So, I have to keep being honest with the deep deep longing of our hearts to continue our family, to give Hannah a sibling. and it feels so selfish. just like when i read that article all those years ago, I should be thankful, what can people with a child understand about infertility. huh, now i know. now it suddenly feels a lot less dumb. suddenly i feel the stick, the sunken belly as i honestly re-enter infertility.

so this is my full coming out party i guess. among the many other images we all pre decided for what our life will look like… i don’t picture us raising an only child. Mostly because I cannot fathom not trying to fight for giving Hannah what we had in the bond of siblings. the chance that she might have influence and molding from being a sister. i cannot imagine life without Bryan and Amy. I was so lucky. Likewise, Stephen has learned and continues to learn a great deal as a brother to Anna and Sarah. It’s part of our lifetime shaping. I want this for Hannah. so badly. and i want it for us.

Parenting has been a big life-giver to Stephen and I, our joy truly doubling watching and learning Hannah. I literally cannot imagine the privilege of doubling again with another child. So, we are putting ourselves out there, and God may show us otherwise, but we are hoping for little o again. this time, not from Peru, and at this point it’s looking like it won’t be international adoption at all. but for sure through adoption, my crohn’s treatment sealed the deal on that for us, and I joyfully embrace adoption as the way to grow our family. it isn’t second best. we are just hunkering down mentally for the journey ahead that feels too long already.

So Cheers to hoping for little O… again. 

the shiny season

Jingle Bells, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, First Noel, Santa Baby - all of the sounds of Christmas that I love so much. I think my fav new album of the Season is by Pink Martini - Joy to the World. Like much of the rest of my life it is the season of chaos that I anticipate greatly and that wears me out. Target parking lot alone, when i am simply going for dog food and diapers is now the most dreaded errand and I drive in singing Christmas cheer and leave with some very choice words to the fellow shoppers.

but day four into this advent season, i feel hope. i feel anticipation. i feel need. I sense the wonder. and i'm in the mood to dive in this year. both, into my heart and into the fullness of activity and craze. i've even gone so far as actually paying $27 for the pic above. so i thought i must share right away, and actually for that price for what pic, you should all share it with someone else. and someone else. and i should be planning what i will do with the years of pics with santa, except oh wait, we won't get to that. especially since i still can't figure out how to make santa and Jesus relate. I am trying to focus Hannah a little more on the nativity scene than santa but i need to find his angle. Is he God's delivery guy? And God share's his bday gifts with all of us? does that work? While I am THRILLED to shop this year, i want that to be less of Hannah's memory, and actually stephen and mine's. 

this is the shiny season, amazing how the glitter and glistening creates a sense of warmth and want. i find myself feel happier every time i pass Christmas lights or drink a warm vanilla latte and at the same time gulping in want when i see the jacket I REALLY want or even more, the twinge when i see the 3 kids on santa's lap. Wonder how much of that makes God smile that in this season its harder to ignore the loud wanters of our heart and head and its also hard to ignore the simple beauty. huh, God is creative. Because while the wanters are brimming.. we are also anticipating the celebration of His birth, we reconsider what His place in our life means. What DOES your birth into this world mean to my lil ol life? Remind me this season.

emails, turnips, and tantrums, OH MY.

so no one told me how hilarious this stage is. i hope all parents laugh as much as we find ourselves laughing. so, last week i run from a meeting over to our children's library to meet Hannah and Lindsay (new nanny). I, in my suit, am running after Hannah in the library, trying to catch time with her between meetings because it was going to be a very long day and i wouldn't be able to see her that evening. She runs up to the second floor over to the computers and says, "i send quick email", to which Lindsay and I say, "Hannah, what did you just say?", and she says, "I send quick email mom." OMGoodness gracious. My two year old knows the word email. And she also thinks all computers are touch screens, so she ran to touch the screen and send a "quick email", mom, duh. we laugh, and then i just about cry knowing my poor kid has probalby heard the expression far far too often. oh my. 

last night my mom and I took Hannah out to eat at a very Southern style place where you basically get a meat and two sides. everyone once in a while this is the right thing for everybody to do. i wanted fried okra so bad i had to hide my serving so Hannah wouldn't steal it all. What i could have never imagined was that she was actually eyeing my mom's turnips. Which she proceeded to eat and eat and eat. My sweet southern girl loved the turnips. oh my. 

(pic from the summer but recently sent to me, i love the 3 cousins - too cute)

what is a lot less funny is that she appears to be moving into the unknown as far as dealing with her frustration. so far this week she has bitten me, slapped me, and spread out on the floor. no matter the store or the brevity of the visit, she seems to find the keen opportunity to fall out and protest. usually because i am horrible and not letting her do something like pick up all the wine bottles off the shelf or throw round ornaments on the ground like a bouncy ball. i am so strict i tell you. 

oh the joys of being 2. and where on earth are the instructions for us?

Where's my butler?

never. ever. have we ever had such luxury. everything oozed comfort, rest, and peace, and i dressed in it, ate it and breathed it in. we had a butler. seriously. he offered me a pillow menu, a bath salt menu, ironing, etc. etc. we were on the 4th floor of white modern comfort heaven. and listen, the timing was so right for our lives. i literally fell on the plane, i am back on steroids and my body and heart-felt worn. and i loved my butler antonio. i needed him. stephen must have taken a handsome pill too, bc he was the handsomest thing i ever saw. we were called lovebirds on multiple occasions and i felt the joy of that name. last year hasn't been much of a lovebird story. not the way we like to think of it anyway. so it felt just right to be fully silly romantic. I have to tell you about day one. room service wakes me with toast, jam, yogurt, and a latte. the perfect tiny jars of marionberry jam, the smell of coffee. no meeting to be late for, no sweet baby saying mommy, milk and elmo. okay, i'm taking too long. then we went to yoga which was set up between one of the pools and the lagoon, and get this, PH came with me. see, i told you he was handsome. dreamee. then we headed down to lounge, get in and out of the pool that overlooked the ocean, have a mimosa, and read. then eat second breakfast of egg-white omelette with tomato and cheese with a side of bacon and a papaya smoothie. (in full disclosure the papaya sounds adventurous but is not so tasty of a fruit).then we got ready to go down to the spa. my image of the dreamiest spa was outdone - the calming stone, perfect lighting, smell of mint, lavender, ginger, and mint. the pre-spa experience almost put PH over the top. aromatherapy steam room, sauna, cold pool, warm pool, jacuzzi, and foot pool. i laid on the massage table and in my head just kept thinking, "is this happening?"  okay, so you get the idea. from there to naptime, snack, back to pool, shower up, get dressed up for a date, eat atun tataki, miso soup, and sushi and then walk around holding hands with the evening breeze. on top of all that, we spent $51 in five days. it was really all-inclusive, and we couldn't get over that. final image that was one of our favorite touches was that when you came back at night slippers were laid out by each side of bed, a bottle of water beside the bed, and nighttime chocolate. this was a vacation we will never forget, it was renewing and generous. 

Charlotte 93, Mexico 85

it's cooler in Cancun. seriously. Charlotte is hotter than Mexico.

I know this because Stephen and I earned a trip to an all-adult, all-inclusive resort in Cancun Mexico and we leave Wednesday. Last night while i was laying in bed, i was trying to think of any parents i know that left their beautiful little kid/s behind for 5 days and i had a panic attack that kept me up past midnight. tonight i'm wondering if i can make it through tomorrow I am so ready to go. i'm not sure if it was before or after hannah kept flailing her legs up and down so that i couldn't move her 3rd blowout diaper of the day out of the way before she stuck her foot in poo. so she had the poo flying. i did not respond well. this was after her telling me NO to trying to get her in PJ's. I tried to mention to her that we don't tell mommy NO. she was confused. i also am entirely convinced that the makers of all talking toys clearly did not have kids and for sure the creators of Barney and Elmo are actually against parents. why, why on earth is Elmo so great, why does she wake up, say MILK?  and then ELMO? I understand he isn't bad, there is a chance sesame street has actually taught her ABC and for sure with Fiest singing counting to 4, she now at least counts 1, 2. I honestly went to work singing Oh.. wo.oh, we're counting to 4...let's count some more... 1, 2, 3, 4...

and then i switch gears to work, and some people make less sense than Barney. My nerves are raw.i want good rhythm there, not so many days that take me sideways. i want to work hard, find goodness that makes it easy and comfortable to show up each day. maybe they need a dose of Elmo to lighten up? and finally stephen has a migraine and i have had pretty bad crohn's pains for the last week, which means one thing - We need Mexico.

testing one two

a very few words. it was another one of those days. my eyes, feet and knees hurt i am so tired. i started the work day at 7:40am and got home at 8:40pm. so i had to come home and just "double check" Hannah was sleeping okay. Uncle Bebs watched her this evening and she adores him and they as always had a great time together, he too was concerned about her sweat. so i went in and yes, since it was 90 degrees outside still at 9pm at night, of course her sleep bag was stuck to her back. oh, she is so beautiful to me, even sticky. anyway, it dawned on me after i have now been reading more and more blogs that i can't figure out why my pics are so small. so i'm testing how to make mine bigger and in the meantime getting my fill of my crush, PH and my mini angel.

first beach trip of the season. ahhhhhhh

after all the excitement from miss sadie's arrival, it's hard to want to post about much else. my flights are booked to meet her in early august and i can't wait.

suddenly hannah looks so grown up. she makes all sorts of facial expressions. she knows what she wants to eat but luckily is willing to try it all. she is frustrated easily when we don't understand what she is trying to say in her very special language. she has started to sing, jesus loves me and twinkle twinkle her first songs. she won't stop sucking her thumb and i am about to put nasty tasting stuff on it. and go figure that she already wants to put her clothes on herself as well as her shoes. so she puts her shirt on her legs and always has her feet in the wrong croc. but it is endearing in a tiny way to know i was EXACTLY like that. why wait until 2 years old to think you can do everything on your own?

i did wear silly bands to work today unintentionally. but as i looked down in my first meeting at my high heels, dress and silly bands, i smiled, it felt right.  it's been a good few weeks, more to share soon, but i am tired.i wanted to post a few pics. we had the privelege of a short beach trip to see the Morgans and were doubly lucky to see the Cochrans while we were there as well. the weather was dreamy for a day and i was so happy to be on the beach and so thankful for rich conversation with an old friend. megs and i are the perfect beach match for one another so it is fun to never leave the beach, stare at people, waves, walk, etc... btw, i have been saving you all from going on and on about how hot i am. and i don't mean appearance, in fact not at all, i mean WARM. just know. i am OVER IT.NET. the other night, when it was 11pm and i was headed to BED and it was 80 IN MY HOUSE, i almost cried. please Fall. please come.

Welcome Miss Sadie

last night before we are about to skype for my big introduction, Stephen says to me, maybe try not to cry so much during the intro. aaron in all of his wonderful wit answers the skype and says, "why are you calling, what's up?" seconds later he is reaching to pick up this wonderful bubbly cheeked button nose baby girl. she screams, naturally, it is traumatic to be out of womb, and nevermind being on skype in your first 48 hours of life. she's never even worn an outfit yet. aaron soothes her by singing "You are my sunshine,"....and i cover my mouth to hold back the ensuing sob. it doesn't work, they flow despite me, despite stephen's request, I am in awe. Nevermind that the next move is a pass off to a totally beautiful woman in a hospital bed, it's my sister. holding. her. little. girl. Finally. (and now again, tears.)

My joy is literally overflowing. I am completely beside myself to think of them starting this journey. so many things were utterly heinous to get them to this place of pure, unmatched joy of meeting their baby girl. As soon as the proud grandfather, Ba, sent the first pics of Aaron leaning over the bedside by Amy and fresh new baby Sadie, i choked up. My heart pulsing loudly as I offered gratitude that I too had the privilege of knowing that moment, of being familiar with all that moment in time captured means. and i cannot stop giving thanks that this is the moment Amy and Aaron are now in, oh thank you Jesus.

the first week, the blur, the adrenaline, the way your heart expands instantly. the brand new dynamic between the parents as they marvel at this perfect creation, this generous gift. oh my. it's all too good to be true. and i just can't stop thinking how lucky Sadie is, how cool her mom is, how brave her mom has been for years and years as she has longed to hold her, how bad the labor was but is almost forgotten when she sees that sweet face. I am so thankful, so hopeful for this new chapter. growing the wilson family has seemed so much more complicated than any of us would ever have dreamed, so we don't dare forget the treasure of Isaac, Hannah, and Sadie as they keep our line going. Welcome Miss Sadie, i love you already.

mind space

Few things on my mind this week: Confession, Digging Deep, Self-confidence, and naturally, So You Think You Can Dance. I’m thankful again for this week because I like it when thoughts stick, it makes me feel like maybe there was space for them this time. When things show up multiple times on my mind, it makes me wander if I am actually learning. Small group finished Life Together this week, which was a very challenging book on many levels. Beginning with the fact that I had to reread every sentence for the first two chapters (hate that, simple language people), but mostly that throughout Bonhoeffer discussed pictures of life together that sound real good and make you want to contemplate their reality in your life. For example, I do not have 7 prayer times and 5 song offerings each day, I always try to crowd solitude, prayer takes patience, and I’m positive I do not have the ministry of holding one’s tongue. However, I am encouraged that these foundational pieces to life with Christ – I do long for space for prayer, meditation, scripture, worship, community meal, ministry of bearing and helpfulness, and finally confession. I was really moved by his description that we don’t have full fellowship until we have fellowship as sinners.It’s the “final breakthough of fellowship, the liberation through truth, profoundest kind of humiliation, and the misery of the sinner and the mercy of God lead to the truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ." Wow. I have so much pride, can I do confession with my sisters? can I trust others for grace? Stephen has been digging deep this week. In the midst of the beautiful ugly season we are in that regularly results in much tiredness, he is rallying for me right now. As much as he finds the way my family can extend celebrations to days and weeks, he is humoring that and celebrating 9 days up to 9 years. So for the 9 days leading up to our 9th anniversary which comes up next week, he is giving me a gift that serves as a memory for that year of marriage. For example, today, he left early for what I thought was work but returned 20 minutes later with a latte. Year 3 was Portland. Portland involved many many coffees. I love it. Thank you. I’m thinking I must choose self-confidence. Not to be confident or prideful. But to choose to feel okay about me in the many many ways that I could feel less than. I have had this sense this week that all the self loathing and regret are really not helpful and I must be brave. Braver to like me, braver to step out and try things. So I’m thinking about the good kind of self-confidence, if there is one, I’m thinking about it. But don’t hold me to it, it has just seemed like a good fit this week. And finally, thank heavens that Fox cares about me during the summer, because I have actually had to READ the last few weeks. are there any good summer programs? i traditionally don't watch the SYTYCD auditions because i don't like to bond prematurely but i have been on since the beginning and i am curious of how the season will turn out!!! and i owe pics, i know. will upload camera tomorrow.

thank you baby girl

I'm cutting up raw chicken (gag me) to make kebab and Hannah walks in the room and says" i wove yur". my heart skips a beat, my task completely unimportant all the sudden and i stare at her sweet face with soaking wet curls surrounding it and pj feet and say, "I love you too". more than she will ever know. this was a first. she has repeated that she loves me when i have said it first but she has never walked in a room and announced this, and well i haven't felt joy in that way before. mostly because a mom working outside the home will never stop wandering if they have expressed enough of how much they treasure their children, did i make it home enough this week, did i slow down enough to see you this week? so this announcement gives me rest for the day...she knows. ahh. its been a good week actually, i feel like i have really seized the day when possible. at an open seating luncheon on campus, i decided to be brave and walk up to a table that had an top executive of Bank of America, Charlotte's first African-American Mayor and a fabulous architect, a successful nonprofit woman who i always admire her passion and dedication, and the former Chancellor of UNC Charlotte.  and i just plopped down and engaged the folks around me and it ended up being the most delightful luncheon. I felt confident at work for the first time in a while and i looked beyond my insecurity of my case of adult onset ance on my chin (thank you steroids), and just tried to relate to these folks. everytime i remember that they are just people too, with their own insecurities, their own children, their own grandchildren (some), their own hopes and missteps, it is a lot easier to engage. we are all just trying to make it work whether you tied your bra straps together with a rubber band and threw off your flip-flops or whether you spent the weekend finding the right heels for this luncheon and have always been a first lady but always felt second class. we are people with great stories and those are the days I love to work. granted i always slide in all the factoids I need to about the University, but I know that will never be effective if i don't look them in the eye and try to relate on other things as well. so this week work was fun. and today, i'm closing it out knowing hannah knows the treasure she is to me, and maybe, quirks, absence, acne, and all she even loves me back. it's too good to be true.