rolls, wrinkles, and responsibility

for my birthday i wished for crest white strips and anti-wrinkle (basically dark eye bag remover) cream and money for a plane trip. seriously. that bad. (meant to misspell). it's just I feel this past year of my life was the year of rolls, wrinkles and responsiblity. i guess i should feel lucky that i had 30 years without these things, is that the right way to look at it?and listen, i know some of you are saying, that's ridiculous, you should see.... or just wait... But let me tell you, we all have our own special time when we look in the mirror and we realize something has changed. like youth. my eyes are dark, my chest is like flapjacks, the gray hairs are tripling...daily, my stomach has shrunk and expanded more times than i care to imagine, and i have never ever known the weight and seriousness of responsiblity as i have learned this year. in work, at home, for my body, for my marriage, for my church, for my daughter, for my small group, for my family... all things i am blessed to have; i have a acute awareness of the accountability around these things, my responsiblity. i did manage to make my birthday last a week which is fantastic. it started with cottage cheese pancakes on the You are Special plate at the Osters last Monday and will end tomorrow with a pampering afternoon of brunch and pedicures. the mimosas are already calling my name. and of course, everyday in between "the birthday fairy" a.k.a, my mom, managed to do her normal celebrate to the max style by having a "little" treat for me each day. thanks mom and dad. stephen even surprised me with a totally unpractical and frivolous gift and a very special birthday card with encouragement for my next year. so rolls, wrinkles, responsiblity aside, I hope. i hope big for this year. i hope for a refreshed spirit to not be knocked out by circumstance and responsiblity but to be assured of relationship and of my God. I hope to live bolder, more rested, and more thoughtful. i hope 32 is different, better, full. thank you dear friends and family for celebrating me this week! i love birthdays!

1.23 really? & A GIRL!!!! my week.

two quick things to basically cover my week: 1: at a meeting the other day, we had to sign and date a document. i was sitting at a table with a senior vp of a local bank. it was one of the many days where i am rallying at every corner so what happens on my way to the meeting and the night before and what will follow the meeting brings me stress to even think of, but i get there and i pretend life is good, i am on top of it, i can rally. so after trying to purposely ignore dating the document b/c i literally couldn't begin to think of what day we were on, i looked up and he said 2   3, so i dated the document 1.23.10 and said thanks!  Three hours later as i was driving home, it hit me. he meant 2.3.10. i didn't even get the month right. wow. wow. something has to give. special. 2: and WAAAAY more importantly. ITS A GIRL!!!! Amy and Aaron are having a baby girl at the end of June. A GIRL. Hannah's cousin, my niece. I ABSOLUTELY cannot wait. i am going to gather and reclean everyone of my favorite outfits that Hannah wore. also, at 20 weeks, everything looked wonderful for my baby niece, they even mentioned she appears to have long legs (hee hee, wonder where she got that?) thank you, thank you God, i cannot wait to meet her!!!!

Wednesday's Woman

[caption id="attachment_479" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="me and dad"]

[/caption] dear mom, you are wednesday's woman. i get home in the eve after 3 days of double shift and i am beginning to tire when i see all these reminders of your presence and your unending care for my family and me... and I am totally inspired to be that kind of mom. i see flowers on the table that your brought for my procedure, meals in the fridge that you fixed for us, laundry in folded piles on our bed, earrings in a bag with a label saying "couldn't find match", I return to a baby's who heart is content and i know she has been well cared for all day. when i popped in on the middle of the day in between meetings and saw you sitting on the sofa with her, her feet crossed at the ankle and her weight leaning against yours as you guys read a book together, my heart glowed, what a beautiful picture. how special to know you are both so lucky to get to know each other more and more. thank you mom, truly your ceaseless and stubborn care for us is the most fantastic model i could ask for of how to learn parenting. [caption id="attachment_480" align="alignright" width="200" caption="a night out! thanks Ba and SuSu"]

[/caption] so, the medical update is, well, a bit less than of an update at this point. all went well, i felt peace even. i was groggy so the report is according to Stephen and the sheet of paper the doctor gave me that essentially finds that lots of repair from surgery looks good but there is one area of inflammation and concern. they took biopsies of that area and 10 days from the colo i should hear what they find and then what they are recommending for treatment. i remain hopeful it will be minimal maintenance, something i can do better on through my diet. and since i just finished a delish Daddy's Burger and a Highland Gaelic Ale, i am well on my way to eating well. hee hee. [caption id="attachment_481" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="i heart wafffles, bfast is my fav meal! "]

[/caption] hannah is so dang cute to me right now and i feel totally comfortable saying that b/c i am pretty sure i will never know the difference b/c she will always be so dang presh to me. she's up to 18 month clothes as of yesterday and i will say that seems WAY too big for my baby.

Moviprep

yep. here i am again. me and moviprep. i have to laugh that while i was going through the drive through pharmacy to pick up the moviprep, a lovely young pharmacist retrieved my delightful prescription and she asked if i had any questions. other than"why me?" i just told her if the instructions were on the box i would be good to go. Then she says "$55" and i choke as i reach for my amex. so, here's the laughable moment. she tries to shove the box into the drive through window contraption and it doesn't really fit. she keeps shoving, it fits, but now it is lost in the middle and the window is opening and closing, opening and closing, and she says has a frightened look on her face, when it finally opens long enough that i can reach in and try to manuever it out. bad, funny start. so then she says" good luck" and i drive off laughing. we are totally at the stage where laughing is required for sanity. so that is the mindset that i enter this evening as i chug two liters of MoviPrep and prepare for my second procedure tomorrow morning. i feel quite hopeful that they won't find active Crohn's, i really do. and if they do, i feel hopeful that we'll be okay and we'll team up to deal with whatever we need to get better. i pray to view it all as a part of my shaping. (: ps - stephen did tell me as i was chugging my second glass to think of Doritos. um, that doesn't work.

TGIMF

this made me laugh, my friend Melissa said TGIMF - Thank God it's MY Friday. i so feel that too, Melissa and I both basically fall into her house on Thursday afternoons strung out from the push of completing our work/baby balance for the week and so happy to hug our Hannahs. they clearly  have no idea why we are beside ourselves and give extra hugs on this evening, but it's because we know, we did it. we made it through another week, and now, we get our days to be with them. ahhhhh. i think i have started a few drafts on being a working mom and not ever pressed the publish button. it can be such a sticky topic. the thing is, it falls differently on everybody. i made SO many wrong and foolish assumptions about life as a mom prior to my arrival here. I thought i had so much to prove, but the deal is, once you get here, well we are all just making it work the darn best we can for each of our families. and no too roads seem to be perfectly parallel so we probably do best just to hear one another out and support where we can. anywho, it's been a pretty good week, work has been good for me. i'm shuffling all sorts of things around my head, but for now, i'll just TGIMF, watch a little trash TV and delight in 3 days with my daughter to come.

Navy days

at lunch today i was looking over at my little kid with pigtails and ketchup all over her arms and face (because she was dipping her chickfila nuggets) and i was loving it. she was actually saying mmm. nevermind the fact that this is a growth area for me that i have now succumbed to the fact that my kid will eat chickfila which means fried food. small portions, but its going to happen. but that's not the point, the point is, i was staring at her and just thought my word you are light little child and i can't believe you are already old enough for pigtails and ketchup face. and then i think quickly, please God don't let me miss a single phase. she is the only place in life where i don't feel like we are waiting and on edge. she is the part of the day you want to bottle up, get on tape and watch over and over. stephen and i are both thankful and surprised to realize that no matter the depth of love for that sweet baby, a baby doesn't solve all the family problems. dangit. you know what i mean.... all the IF WE JUST.... statements you make in your head and you think if you cross that threshold life will truly be better. mine are usually like if i just get thin, get a baby, work hard, take that trip...then life will be good. and don't get me wrong. life is better because she is a part of it and i still think life would be better if i had a trip (: BUT what i am saying is I have been recently sobered to realize that I got to get out of that IF mode in my head and start really embracing the now. I am actually usually a present person, i guess that is until the present sucks and now my head is thinking... IF Bright Yellow Jacket can just get a few more clients, IF God can just shine a light on how we can grow our family, IF i can just feel well and strong, IF my brother can just find the most wonderful life companion and the perfect job for him after grad school, IF my sister's baby can just arrive safely to a happy anticipating home, and IF my parents can just find their new home and start sowing some seeds, IF half our families didn't live on fundraising, THEN i won't be so anxious, THEN things will be good. I am saying too much already but this is the thing i don't know how to write during this time in life so i just retract. because if i am actually going to take the time to write it is unappealing to sugar coat. we are in this raw and heavy place and we have been for what i think is 6+ months. The Crohn's disease and the business alone are new realities that we cannot just pass by. we are in the thick of their reality and well..it's navy. Stephen once asked a group of friends to describe where they were in their current lives through a color and why. i answered navy and i think i am still there. navy is not black and the navy i am thinking of is the part when you look a little further out into the ocean and you see a layer where you know you wouldn't be able to see through and there is a greater chance of sharks. the great thing is that you are still a part of a majestic creation that is full of beauty, the hard thing is that you are swimming in the part that is murky and unknown. so that's the deal, nothing is the end of the world. i tell myself this all the time. being a part of the ocean if fantastic, there are many wonderful discoveries and surprises ahead i am sure. my feeling is just that we have really really grown up this year and it feels hard. illness, bank accounts, safety worries, gray hairs and more... dang. it feels heavy to grow up this year. i am no matter how hard i try waiting on something to feel better, to exhale. let it be for my brother... let it be for mom and dad... anybody, just know i am in the mood for some miracles.

tis the season

where on earth to start, if there is anyone out there who could possibly still care with my horrible maintenance skills. it is NEVER because i don't want to be writing. i always want to be writing and reflecting. the season enveloped me.

whats for sure is that I actually feel i experienced a full and long December. typically i dread the end of December because i LOVE the season so so much, this year i do think i got my feel and i have great anticipation for the new year. Maybe this is because we began the season earlier than ever with a visit to the Christmas tree farm the weekend after Thanksgiving. Maybe this is because i spent half the month sick, or maybe just because I am ready for 2010. The tree farm was a delightful new experience with our dear friends the Millers. Hannah and Hannah loved running around the trees and we brought home a beautiful tree that i can't believe is still standing.

Other notable December events include my needing to increase my hours at work to 30 hours. I experienced a human and graceful experience with my boss and a great opportunity to have more work during a difficult season for Bright Yellow Jacket. I am amazed and comforted by the commitment of Sean and Stephen to their firm and one another as well as the support and faith both families have that it is not yet time to close those doors, its time to continue diligent work and creativity. Most people don't have their dream job at 30, Stephen has been pretty dang close doing what he loves with a partner that he respects and enjoys working with.. it feels very difficult to imagine letting go of now. I of course am struggling leaving Hannah one more minute than i have to much less 10 more hours. I feel much much better knowing that those hours she will spend with my mom and Stephen who are splitting the additional care needs. My mom has been absolutely incredible to support the whole family, but really her daughter during all these transitions, Hannah is quickly loving SuSu. (and Ba for that matter, Dad is pretty incredible with her as well!)

Okay, i went on too long there so other points quickly: road trip with old friend Whitney on fun journey, enjoyed the seasonal joy of hosting a party in our home for the 7th year, it was very enjoyable and lifted our spirits to enjoy the season with our wonderful friends. Caught a stomach virus that unfortunately hit my new system a little too hard. Missed quite a bit of activity and work trying to fight the virus, slowly got a little stronger, but had symptoms for over 10 days and unfortunately blood tests lead the Doc to believe it caused a Crohn's flare up and they put me back on steroids. That's pretty much the worst scenario we could receive considering after the surgery they said that the Crohns could return in 2 months, 1 year, 4 years, 5 years, or NEVER. i was certainly hoping towards the later. oh well, we'll do some additional testing to figure out how to move forward well and get a good pic of my current system. and finally, we enjoyed a great time with extended family here in Charlotte for a little Christmas celebration. Great food and fun games will leave us with wonderful memories. Hannah had a complete blast and I just so appreciate how much our family wants to all be together. finally and very significantly, amy made it to her 12th week of pregnancy safe and sound. Praise be to God. We are so so grateful and hopeful for Amy and Aaron. we will continue to pray for little SO as we are calling the baby and wait joyfully for her/his arrival. Okay, more on Christmas itself to come with lots more photo. Hope everyone enjoyed family, rest, and celebrated God's life and Presence. Cheers! Oh, and my word. thank goodness America picked Russell. He was TOTALLY my favorite.

road trips are never boring

boy oh boy did we create some memories over the Thanksgiving holidays. let's work backwards from the return trip home from Ohio. a cold brisk morning spent packing up our little cabin and having one last meal at Grandpa and Busha's. Although, i was not witness to this, Hannah apparently very much enjoyed Nana's eggs that morning which was fun to see because she doesnt' typically eat eggs. We all said final goodbyes and sincerely expressed the joy for the time to be together and we hoped in our cars. Stephen and I had to run by Starbucks and we were ready to go with big hope of a shorter return that our trip there. we played George Winston's December to lull Hannah to sleep and then put our book on CD in and we were rolling. UNTIL...Stephen said, "Hannah is throwing up!" I turn around and see her awakened by vomiting and I want to cry and i also realize she isn't stopping and say " PULL OVER!" in seconds we were on the shoulder and i was removing my kid by her feet and her neck from her carseat and trying to tump over the throw up she was covered in. the throw up which was in fact all eggs. first GAG. i realize there is a lot of work to be done here. so i proceed to strip hannah on the side of the road in 32 degree weather as she is crying and confused. the pants come off pretty easy. and then i see her shirt. second GAG. i loved this beautiful flowered purple shirt but it was unhelpable, it COULDN'T go back in the car, so i folded it together and left it on the side of the road. during removal, a few eggs got stuck in her front curls on her head... i can barely keep myself together at this point but i take the wipe and form a little mohawk that is sticking together after running a wipe through it.  After wiping the rest of her down with some handiwipes, PH had given me another clean outfit to put on her, so i dressed her while stephen began to wipe down the car seat. third GAG. the seat belts themselves on the carseat were foul, the smell quickly being at home in them. We do the best we can wiping down the seat, wiping down her blanket and her precious monkey and putting them in a plastic bag. and although it was hardly above 40 degrees, our sunroof remained cracked for the remainder of the trip in order for Stephen and I to keep from gagging. poor girl cried and cried which made me cry and then fell asleep. wow. it quite a family memory and it proceeded to be as we drove the next 8 hours with the special smell. the items including all the car seat belts and padding have made their way through the wash and oxiclean and i think they are now touchable. do i really need to say more about the trip? ..honestly, it was a nice surprise of rest for me once we got to Ohio, since it wasn't my immediate family, i felt little need to create order and hope for perfection and things happen without my doing much of anything. and it was quite beautiful actually, the way these 7, estranged for the most part, siblings came together around their parents in what certainly had it's fair share of awkward moments but what was mostly filled of a desire and joy of just being around one another. the hope for connection seemed palpable. i also really enjoy being with Stephen's grandparents because i really miss having any of my own to share my husband and daughter with and it never gets old to see 4 generations of family in one room. so, at the end of it all, i am really thankful for a lovely holiday with the oster side of the family. Hannah loved being with her awesome cousins Ella and Drew and it is a joy to see them all together.  there are memories both less favorite and great that i will cherish. thank goodness hannah's incident was a one time gig and she is her normal busy self today.

Untitled

we counted 26 uh-ohs in the span of an hour this morning. it is topping the charts for her favorite words to say, i am just hoping she doesn't actually think everything is an uh-oh. and i totally cheated on my self-imposed rule of no Christmas music til post thanksgiving. we listened to some this morning, i couldn't help it. it's a dreary monday morning, we needed something and it was perfect. i am already ready to have the house decorated, i just LOVE the lights, it seems the rest of the world is as anxious for Christmas as me this year... is this a sales ploy? well i just can't believe that my kid will get even cooler bc we are having SO much fun right now.

Today i had the privilege of lunching with Molly Barker, founder of Girls on the Run. She is pretty much a hero to me and i wished at multiple points in the conversations that my head worked better so i could hold the great ideas she was sharing. i so admire her passion, her boldness, and her authentic communication and i found myself so nervous knowing she would take time to talk to me. even more amazing, she said she hoped we could do this more regularly. i had no idea how hungry i was for a mentor until that moment, i can hardly wait to hear more of her stories and learn more about how Girls on the Run came to be and what keeps her going. i have launched a personal goal to try to write a mission statement, so others stories are especially impressionable to learn these days. has anyone else written a mission statement for themselves? do share... well, the next few days will be wild as we finish up work and get ourselves ready for our big trip to Ohio. We are going to be with all of Stephen's dad's side of the family and I am looking forward to it. Hopefully the long road trip will produce good conversation, singing, and a list of the many things we have to be thankful for in our lives. it will be good to re-center and absorb how much goodness is present in our lives despite the things that feel less favorite and take up too much brain space.

Happy Thanksgiving!

14 months

i honestly can't handle my love for so you think you can dance. its ridiculous. and stephen pointed out that right now that is essentially giving 3 hours of my life every week to this show- ouch. i said more like 2.5 with DVR, but i don't even care, i love it. okay, on a more serious note. hannah hasn't been well for the last 5 days and its so sad. it makes me realize how much i have learned about her spirit because it is SO obvious when she is not well. the most precious thing is that she will let me comfort her, tons of cuddling and i bottle it. she is usually so independent, so on the move, so full of words. one of her newest tricks is that she has this fake laugh, its like in a very deep voice which is even funnier to me, but she cracks herself up, and i of course have no choice but to laugh back, oh its great. and words, she just loves to talk and she also listens so carefully b/c she wants to say it back to you. She says momma, daddy, gucci, doggie (how does she know the difference?), shoes, hot, up, thank you, peas (not for peas but please and she is VERY picky on when she wants to offer this). and this morning, i SWEAR she said tissue. they are beside the bed and she likes to take them all out of hte box and throw them around but this morning she actually had a runny nose and she looked over and said "tissue". unbelievable. this is too fun but i really need to be careful on my language, i am desperately hoping dam* isn't her next word. okay, i totally owe pics, and will load them v soon i promise!!!