mixed tapes, the other penguin and other small greats

air supply keeps going through my mind this morning, "I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you....". i don't know what this means maybe only that i am desperate for some new itunes. music suggestions anyone? it's sad how long its been since i picked out a CD. last weekend however stephen and i were listening to some of his new music and he mentioned that he had put one of the songs on a mix CD for me. i blushed a little bit, i can't believe my husband still makes me mixed tapes, that is totally awesome. I have a lil collection from him that i treasure. one embarrassing old story is that when we were first dating, well maybe like 1 year in actually, we were riding home (to NC) from DC and Laurie was with us, and i found a mix tape from his last girlfriend before me. so i of course did the mature thing that any confident adult in a loving relationship would do and I threw it out the window. on the highway. so it's like totally gone and i littered. impressive, huh? Stephen did not appreciate this and after a gasp, Laurie was wishing she had hitched a ride with someone else. Alright, short friday love list - supporting local biz. 1. The Other Penguin  - http://www.otherpenguin.com  I am so proud of BYJ using down time for additional creativity and coming up with a really fun product that we hope will be wildly successful. follow the fun on their twitter (http:www.twitter.com/otherpenguin), or facebook.  christmas gift anyone? 2. Little Grey House - how i ever not mentioned this store before, surely i have. surely. is the absolute best handmade sweet things by my friend Kim. the fabrics are fantastic and she can make blankets, towels, lovies, burp clothes, bibs, etc. etc. with names on them, i just sent two off last week. i love her work and her great taste, there is TLC in each piece. 3. phat burrito - i have rediscovered this dive in my neighborhood with simply the most delish fish salad i ever ate. hasta luego chipotle. 4. owen's bagels - banana surprise - cream cheese, banana slices, cinnamon on a steamed new york bagel. yuuum. peace out Einstein. 5. paper skyscraper - i miss you actually bc you arent as friendly to my new economic reality, however i think of you and will be back. Share your love with the small businesses!

talk about dreamy

clouds break and lend to a sunny afternoon with my daughter. parents watch daughter so i can go to gym. hang with parents a bit. come home, have a dance off with hannah. then have dinner delivered by awesome neighbor as a part of our new meal swap. put sleepy baby in bed. pour glass of red wine. eat delish healthy fall meal that i didn't prepare or have to even contemplate while beginning an evening of trash TV because Stephen is working late. (don't get me wrong, love evening's with my man, but a solo night here and there aint so bad). feet up, so you think you can dance begins, (LOVE it, but i still can't get into tap, i'm sorry, i can't). i truly fantasize about being about to tango, samba... all things latin and ballroom. ahead... cup of hot tea, private practice, dark chocolate m&m's. talk about dreamy.

Yum, Fall!

Fall rocks. it is the most delightful season of them all to me. i want to drink more coffee and bake more and walk all the time. okay, i don't really bake, but i tried it out today b/c i needed to get some treats to some peeps. Anywho, i also baked an apple pie after our apple picking trip. apples are so good right now, so find your fav apple recipe, add more butter and oats to it and it should be good. while i am in the spirit of sharing recipes, i'll share one of my favs that i will make tonight. As always, its so easy and Yum. i kind of wing amounts when just cooking for PH and me. Salmon filets mascarpone cheese (1/2 cup for 6-8 filets, room temp) nutmeg fresh spinach-wilted (10 oz. for 6-8 filets) cream cheese (1/2 cup for 6-8 filets) So, you mix together the mascarpone cheese, cream cheese, and dash of nutmeg. the cheese amt. should be cut according to how many filets you have of course. then fold in the wilted spinach. Brush the salmon with olive oil and then dust with salt and pepper. Cut down the center of the filet and stuff with the cheese mixture. Oh yeah, preheat the oven to 400. Place the stuffed salmon on aluminum foil on cookie sheet and cook for circa 12 mins. Kudos to my boss who taught me this recipe. Salud. If you live by a Trader Joe's pick up the Crispy Oatmeal Chocolate Chip cookies, perfection, and if you are going all out top it with their coffee ice cream. Am I excited to have a new belly or WHAT?

life like a child

[caption id="attachment_403" align="alignleft" width="96" caption="tutu playtime"]

[/caption] Jasmine sent Hannah this beautiful tutu for her birthday. I absolutely love it. When i first opened it, I tried to think of all the dress up events that she could wear it too, and then i realized there aren't rules like that for kids, she can wear her beautiful tutu anytime. and so she does.

[caption id="attachment_405" align="alignleft" width="96" caption="great days with my bff hannah"]

[/caption] well, i am beginning to think the wonderful season of releasing was clearly connected to literally being laid out. now i feel like a vacuum is sitting on my chest sucking the life out of me not in a dramatic painful way but in a life is chaotic as hell and i can't keep up. okay that is dramatic, but point is, i feel sucked back into all the circles that keep us spinning. i find myself going and going because stopping might be scary now, i'd have to think. i am getting a glimpse of what must been meant by having childlikeness.  all the lightness of spirit and beauty of discovery that Hannah carries has really covered us this week. for days to start with this curly-haired mess that is cuddly and talkative and to end with seeing her huge imperfect teeth grin and giggles, ahhh it just hugs our hearts.  it feels like this huge gift in the middle of big grown up problems to have moments of such glee in watching her experience life. she explores and rests and enjoys and laughs. it often makes it impossible to stay mad or stressed once we allow ourselves to be with her. makes me wish i could do more of life like a child. 

[caption id="attachment_408" align="alignright" width="200" caption="thanks for coming to visit me Porter and Megs! Love you!"]

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talking money

rain days can really be the best. except i want to have no responsiblity at all. i have to have a budget meeting tonight and i can't figure out where to hide. i think it was actually even my idea, what a horrible idea. who in their right mind wants a budget meeting right now? ignorance IS bliss. the thing i hate about money is having to talk about money. seriously. maybe growing up in a fundraising family has scarred me for life. it has also probably given me the awareness that all will be well and that God does provide. He has been faithful to Stephen and I's families for decades and yet somehow we can't shake worry sometimes. short memories. i never needed to have a lot a money, just enough paycheck coming in that we don't have to talk over every purchase. and that may sound so ridiculous to some folks reading this b/c i do realize i am totally rich according to worldly standards. some people don't have meals today and i know i don't understand that. so from the world of what i do understand, i am thinking through money in my house. i know that many homes are having extra budget meetings. and we are asking ourselves what are our priorities? when we look back over spending, where will we feel peace seeing how the money was spent? what can i give up? and what gets under my skin in particular, that distracts me from the bigger picture, that distracts me from faith when i think about money? truth is, i appreciate convenience far too much. and being so budget conscious... and clipping coupons and not having the air on and cooking all the time isn't always convenient. it's a waste of time i think for folks to actually decide whose more rich or not, i find that the conversation in the middle (as my pastor would say) is are each of us aware of how money falls on us? how does it control us, are we generous, are we anxious, are we thankful, are we confident in God's provision, are we storing up treasures for Heaven or earth? so while we can commiserate with one another over buying the cheaper bottles of wine these days, or bringing lunch to work everyday, or not buying any new clothes, worrying about the business closing down, or whatever is your limit (nevermind everyone's unexpectedes like hospital bills, car bills, house repairs, kids shoes) maybe just maybe we'll also take these rough economic times to ask some questions in the middle. and maybe just maybe we'll be honest with ourselves. even if not aloud, maybe we'll take this chance to check ourselves.

frydee luv

how on earth is it Friday again. okay, so i'll be realistic that any regular things i try may not actually be totally consistent, but i try. I Love... 1. seeing a random tiny shoe laying around. everytime it makes my heart skip a beat that that shoe belongs to my kid. never mind that she is obsessed with shoes and tries Stephen and mine on all the time and always wants hers on. i think it is totally funny that "shoes" is one of her first 10 words. 2. girls nights out. last night it was for a play. dressed up, downtown, dinner, wine and conversation. i just forget how refreshing feminine fun can be! 3. flat screen tv's - i know, this is lame, loving such a material thing that leads to bad things like watching tv. hee hee. finally. finally, we passed on the box tv and got a sleek less chunky screen. the timing is ridiculous and moronic, but oh. i hardly care about the perks other than the room aesthetics, ahhhh. but football does look better. i can hardly imagine wait tarheel bball will look like. 4. Opening windows and using ceiling fans. fresh air. symbol that mosquitos may be close to hibernating, no bug spray or sunscreen, awesome. the week has been good. work felt better both because my energy is increasing, pain decreasing and because i feel so much more grounded. i feel more confident in my value right now and it makes the drive to win territory and gain recognition less important. i asked my boss even to consider that i may have potentially matured since he hired me 4 years ago. i like what i do and i have a job, those two things alone are of great value and i am grateful. i'm over the drama and don't have the energy to keep up with it right now. hope rest is in everyone's weekend. cheers!

silver linings, the return of love lists

dear ambien, i miss you. of all the medication i have had to intake over the last two months, you, ambien, are my favorite. in fact, i don't miss any others. (well maybe here and there a dose of delauded would ease reality). you are pricey and that upsets me especially b/c your fake model is not up to par. so i split each tiny pill to feel better about my purchase and my tee tiny love for you. it's so small but affects so great. i take my tiny half and one, two, kiss goodnight b/c i am ou.... 6 hours later, not groggy but happy and ready, i am up and at um. ah, the silver lining of illness, good sleep. speaking of silver linings i am wondering if a lil experiment would be to try to think of them when facing adversity. i wonder if i tried to think of them if it could offer perspective. for example, sometimes work isn't perfect but hello, i have a job. thank the Lord. so i am inspired back to my love lists. 1. target diapers. love may be a strong word, but listen, they work totally fine and are AT LEAST $6 per package less than Pampers.and they have polka-dots on them. duh, make the move. 2. ambien. am i being reptitive? 3. HOUSE season premiere this week. So, so good, i have actually thought of it each day since i watched it. 4. football season - competition, beer, chips, delish dips and talking back at the TV - best season EVER.  War Eagle, Go Panthers (seriously, please go... need silver lining here!), and as always Go Tarheels! 5. my neighborhood. i love love living close to so many dear people who provide playmates for my daughter, meals for my family, open doors for me to drop in (vice versa, come over), and just simple day to day friendship. have a great weekend all!

magical & wonderful celebration

[caption id="attachment_383" align="alignleft" width="133" caption="First bite of cupcake! "]

[/caption] [caption id="attachment_384" align="alignleft" width="200" caption="does life get any better than all these wonderful friends?"]

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[caption id="attachment_386" align="alignleft" width="200" caption="kiddos exploring at the park"]

[/caption] well i know i don't believe in magic, but it just felt too good, impossibly wonderful. Disneylandish. Aw, thank you Lord for this day! I am still feeling the

warmth of joy from yesterday. i think the pictures tell the story. the day started with dedicating hannah at church. as i sat in the row at church, hugged by my dad, with my La Tea's in front of me, my grub club all around me, my small group right behind me, and my family all beside me i thought i wouldn't be able to catch my breath i felt so moved with love. and the privelege of dedicating hannah back to the Lord who so very generously gave her to us and asking this community to join us in sharing the love of Jesus with her and praying that she may come to know and be in relationship with Him, oh my. it's just a cup full of hope. and i loved that with her very curious eyes, she examined the pastor and recieved the annoiting for her dedication. she said "Hi" to the crowd over and over throughout the dedication and it was just too funny. Stephen and I's hearts were so full.

then, later at the park, dressed in a birthday present dress and homemade party hat from my oldest friend, Mal, Hannah listened to 15 kiddos (all under 5 I might add) singing happy birthday to her. it was the greatest little sight and most beautiful noise i could have imagined. i was brought to tears at that very moment as i was overwhelmed with pleasure and amazement that we were at my daughter's birthday. i couldn't believe it. still. we have a kid. and all these beautiful other kids are in her life and singing to her. really. wow. i am so refreshed by joy today I just can't explain it. again, a year later, I am reminded so powerfully of God's goodness and the way He LAVISHES his love on us.

[caption id="attachment_393" align="alignleft" width="133" caption="oh happy day!"]

[/caption] [caption id="attachment_391" align="alignleft" width="200" caption="thank you family for all you did to make this celebration possible!!!"]

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end o rope

dear lord, thank you for this trial. i know we have learned and will continue to learn. we are overit.com and ready to move on at this point. i can't get out of the funk anymore, i can't release anymore. i am ready to reenter life. puhleez. ashley at this very moment i hear stephen talking to hannah in the bath trying to come up with all the positives for the day. it is hilarious. he is telling her about his day and asking her about her positives - a nap, green beans, being outside, no broken bones... for those of you asking for a medical update. i am fine. well in my head i am. i am so done with being sick that i am mentally trying to will myself to normal. the thing that gives me lightness is that the air is getting a little less hot and sticky and i feel we are on the verge of a new season. my very favorite season, fall. and i am hopeful our life will mimic the change. this week i have 3 doc visits. doc says surgery went well and the healing is looking good. this week has been transition week off the narcotics and onto ibuprofen. (i have to be honest and confess i see now how people may get addicted, it's so nice to be pain free and relaxed.. however, completely unproductive which makes this a nonviable addiction for me).  i am able to drive again, practicing small outings and continuing to rest as much as possible. my body still tires so much faster than i wish. grace, ashley, grace. they are watching one small area, and tomorrow i hope they say all is well and i will happily try to return to work next week. I know Lord, you are gracious and merciful and do not give us more than we can bear. thank you.

ONE

a year ago today was one of the most amazing days of my life. the most precious gift i have ever been given entered our lives and i have spent the last 365 in awe of the sweetness of this good gift. She was worth the wait. She was so worth the longing. tears. more tears. remembering how READY i was for her to come, remembering the morning i woke and asked Stephen to please take a walk with me and be late to work. remembering on the walk that the contractions came and getting to call my mom and dad and tell them, "i did it! She's coming!" i could barely contain my heart with the anticipation of meeting her. in exactly 15 mins. from the time i am writing right now, she arrived and she was the most beautiful screaming thing i have ever seen. and there the journey began of not really having any idea what i was doing and at the same time feeling the eagerness to discover and nuture her. endless days of the guessing game, is she hungry, is she tired, is it gas, is she cold? walking the halls, breaking the rules and using the co-sleeper and LOVING it, figuring out the endless breasturaunt and eating like a linebacker, grandparents caring so well for us so we could care for her, oh the first weeks were incredible. the last six months have been so much fun too, watching her get a little sturdier and watching her grow in curiousity. watching her delight in the presence of other little ones and reveal her social nature, hearing daddy and mama for the first time, seeing her light up when music is on and seeing her crab walk faster than i could have imagined. She's full of expression, her cry is the saddest thing you have ever seen and hilariously dramatic at times, and she lets you know when she needs something. She helps unload the dishwasher and tries to put her foot in all our shoes. Okay, i am gushing. what i am trying to say is the year was as magical as my wildest dreams. i adore life with her in it. i never get used to this gift. i am always amazed at how blessed we were to get to have hannah. and we are celebrating big time today for a wonderful year with our daughter. we know we are in for it now and the next year will bring so much change, and we cannot wait to get to know her more. Aw, today, thanksgiving and joy. Thank you Lord for Hannah Amelia!