buy 2, get 1 free

Stephen has been making me laugh recently. He commented to mom and I as we were in the hospital for the third visit that he thought at least by now we have reached our family maximum for health costs of the year - you know buy 2, get 1 free. Hee, hee. ---------- is it possible to be so familiar with something so scary that it actually becomes hard to leave? since july 19th, i've spent 14 nights in the hospital, and i have actually gotten a wee bit used to the drills. what i have no idea about and have had no idea about has been all the space in between. the healing, resting and adjusting to life pre-surgery and now post. i get a different answer every time i ask a doctor what i should expect of recovery time. special. anywho, goodbye to Ivy (my IV-tower), goodbye to Molly (my morphine drip), goodbye to pup #2 (my drain), and unfortunately, let's go home cathy (the catheter which is going to stay with me for a few more days). Goodbye to the freakin bumbly machine that rolls in and out of my room to get my vital signs every 3-4 hours, goodbye to the shots and the deep breaths. goodbye to the wonderful nurses who cared really well for me and seemed to show genuine compassion for my healing. goodbye to a TV in my room. i don't think hannah will miss her hospital visits, although she did like walking through the halls and saying " Heeey" to everyone, she seems to be confused why i can't pick her up and why i am always in bed. oh, i dream of when she and i can be back together again. In the meantime, mom and Stephen have orchestrated the most perfect care for us both. i am full of memories already of care i didn't ever think my mom would be giving to me in the hospital but the reverse. and stephen and i have had many a slumber party in the hospital, the overnights were so much more bearable with him there! so, i am going home today. thanks to the generosity of a friend, mom was able to be here for a good long stay through the 12th so she'll be helping me with home bed rest. I am so thankful. Prayer requests include: reuniting with Hannah and figuring out how to "play" with her from bedrest, no infections, and to learn new boundaries in order to heal. It looks like i will continue to redefine normal for a bit of time now (they average 6 wks. of healing) Thanks for all your encouragement and support, ya'll are the best! I can't believe the surgery is over and I am missing some parts! Here's to hoping for lots more comfortable days ahead!

we heart the perm

we find ourselves amazed at how each day baby girl's hair get s a lil curlier and curlier. along with her snaggleteeth, it pretty much stops my heart to see her smile. she had the bestest time with Kiki and we are both missing her much. [caption id="attachment_369" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="this is serious. after a bath, check out my curls. "]
[/caption] [caption id="attachment_370" align="alignleft" width="200" caption="I love my bows!"]
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[caption id="attachment_372" align="alignleft" width="200" caption="Miss you Kiki! Thanks for taking me to the pool!"]
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[caption id="attachment_374" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="humidity and pool do wonders for my hair. and i'm sleepy. "]
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rhythm of releasing

lots lots lots to say. my head feels remotely clear. it's either the steriods, medical leave, family help, or the combination of all the aforementioned that have given opportunity for my head to literally de-cloud. The de-clouding was really set into motion on day two of my sister Amy's visit. She brought up a good point that is very obvious but felt like an epiphany: i create order in my head all day long. i am coordinating unneccessary details constantly and the span of which my mind can worry about is so exhausting to hear aloud that it could bring Crohn's on anyone. As i child i worried that the 10 dolls and stuffed animals in my bed with me were not adequately covered by the sheet, i worry that the people at the movie have to pick up the napkin i dropped half way through the movie and that they may bust me for the snack i brought in from outside, and i still feel bad that i didn't let the kid mow the lawn that knocked on my door last week b/c i should be thankful he was wanting to earn his keep, and I still have unsent thank you's and my goddaughter's baptism gift from over a month ago, and i know exactly what is dirty in the kitchen right now and.... RELEASE.  I know some of you know what i mean, you too are order people.  And i was therefore hopeless to get more rest unless i GAVE UP a little. dr. amy's orders. she had the nerve to remind me that others are adults and can worry about themselves i didn't have to do it for all of us. then i spent the next four days in this amazing rhythm of releasing. Each morning after we put Hannah down for her morning nap, Amy and i would settle into our sofas and listen to a short sermon from Darrell Johnson on The Beatitudes. We sipped our decaf and let ourselves listen and well sometimes fall totally asleep. Then after a few hours of hannah time, small errands, etc., I would go back to my bed when Hannah laid down for her afternoon nap and literally the cotton on the sheets hugged my sagging skin and unmotivated muscles and enveloped me for hours of rest. 4 days in a row, hours of afternoon rest where i had to be woken, shake the sweat off, and rejoin the life of the living. and i am so much stronger this Monday than last Monday it is unbelievable. rest and meds DO work. who knew? the puzzling has gotten out of hand. we have gone done 4 or 5 1000 piece puzzles. today, i even went to walmart (total sacrifice of control for me to enter calmly, leave calmly) and bought another one. at the checkout counter, with my $4 puzzle, major cheap thrill, the women at the counter said, "my son and i love doing puzzles, we can do one of those in a week!" i eagerly bonded back happy to not feel like a dork, "yeah, my husband and I love them too." I felt it unnecessary to confess we do 1 every 3 days because we have no life. Actually, you know what, it's because TV is awful and i feel more justified doing a puzzle than reading Twilight, right? So anywho, I am trying desperately to get well... in body and mind. I am trying to not be so impatient for major surgery and the return of normal life. I am trying to temporarily release and absorb. At night when i go to sleep again, I actually lay there for a while and talk to God and try to listen back. I haven't had space to listen back in a long time.

bye pup

More later, but i am so sleepy, the worry got to me. The surgeon removed the drain this morning and felt confident the infection was gone. PTL. He did recommend delaying the surgery to let me gain a little strength back, so we are looking now at September 1st or 2nd. I don't know what that means on so many levels, but for now, I go to sleep and i am thankful to not have an extra attachment to my belly today (we called him pup).

Soaking

it's weird to be concious in the middle of the rough patch where your heart is, you are so often just in survival. operational. when my dear father asks my how my heart is in all this, i think well if I jump through 10 hoops, a few hulula hoops, up and down a slide and maybe i'll find a pulse. b/c maybe if i found that pulse i would also find a thirsty heart.i am finding that other's faith is very refreshing to me right now, like i can soak it up better. there is no other way but to recieve.  i cannot pay anyone back right now, i can't even prepare my house for their arrival. i can't feel guilty about what i should have done for them before or what i will owe them after.  so i decide to just soak.  I am thankful for the drop by visit of my friend Sarah, for frivilous fun gifts she brought and the time she took to say a prayer for me before going. for another wonderful neighbor, hannah's best friend's mom, Melissa for bringing over movies, games, flowers and puzzles ( i promised stephen when she left we could not get into a puzzle, that had to be something older couples did... hours and hours later we've had a blast doing a puzzle, who knew, this soaking has gone too far already). [caption id="attachment_360" align="alignleft" width="96" caption="I think they have fun. the hannah's. "]
[/caption] [caption id="attachment_359" align="alignright" width="63" caption="Hannah's fav playmate Hannah"]
[/caption] my father in law sent a verse that i was able to really absorb - "The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are attentive to their cry" Ps. 34:15. I struggle with the righteous bit, but he put in parenthesis (like a mother with a newborn!) and that image took. i wouldn't miss a peep from my daughter, my ear is bent to her, and I must rest and know that His ears are attentive to the cries of this home. And i do believe He loves us. Persevere. all that to say, we should do the little things for others when our hearts are full b/c you never know your power to bless the other. be risky with caring so much. update is mom, Sooz, left, and we cried a lot. i cannot outgrow my mom and she constantly demonstrates her unending love for me. she is remarkable and i feel so hugged every minute she is here. Kiki, my sister Amy, flies in tonight and will be a lovely back-up. I cannot wait to be with her and have Hannah get to be around her more. We'll update after the doctor visit tomorrow.

don't let the white bread keep you down.

9 pills start my day. then white toast or a white eggo (or more like yellow). if that doesn't hurt i try for some midmorning snack. i ask myself if i should risk the new organic decaf coffee. most days i have to try, even if just for the smell. how i miss my dear starbucks. then i head into the day hoping for energy. fatigue is a very annoying symptom to someone unintersted in being slowed down. at night the tired body falls and then the medications keep the mind going. and then i take more medicine so i can sleep. (special to be miss pharmacy all the sudden). so with the extra hours, some tears have fallen and some questions are being asked. Oh God this is a new space.. what do you want me to see?  i feel humbled and defeated on many fronts from health to work, what's in that for me, what's the bright spot? i feel a need to turn, ya know, see a new view and in that give real time to introspection and conversations with God. i also feel this awareness, again, of my lack of control over the future. but listen, at the end of the day, a meal appeared randomly from a former colleague who heard i was sick. fantastic. so we made it and i at least regain perspective that i probably tell myself too often, " this isn't the end of the world", a sigh, i have a great home, a great husband, a miraculously generous & caring community & family, and a beautiful diaper rash baby that i adore. all is well, bring on the white bread.

fight like a girl

that is one of my favorite slogans from the breast cancer campaigns. and here i am now, entering into a new fight and you betta believe I'll fight like a girl. (: last night i found myself in the tub with most of my clothes still on. my abdominal pain was so intense i just got in hoping i would be able to relax but barely had the energy to deal with clothes. if i think too much i can get real down wondering all the what -if's of life to come with my new diagnosis of crohn's disease. i am trying so hard to know that bright comfortable days are ahead, i just need to do some healing right now. i checked into the ER Sunday and was admitted to the hospital that evening for a 3 night stay. felt like a year. who on earth intentionally gets into a line of medicine called gastronology? its horrible. every conversation is embarrassing and every procedure gross. I still wince at the thought of me chugging mr. golytely, the grass tasting colon cleanser that preps folks for a colonoscopy. i appreciate that my brother told me that now that officially makes me an old man and that a girlfriend told me to pretend i was at a spa b/c people now pay to have that magic juice. i don't understand. my fellow crohn's man, my brother-in-law, sent me an email with the subject line that says "bad ass". i laugh everytime i think of it, it was medicinal to me. and it helps me keep perspective that this is a hard diagnosis and i am currently in a very painful time, but that this isn't the end of the world. this is a manageable disease, one i can learn how to care for myself well and potentially feel better than i have felt in years.  and i have more motivation than i have ever had to take care of me, b/c i want so badly to always be strong enough to play with hannah and hopefully someday with her sibling. so the fight is on, i am a little down right now trying to get through this pain, but i hope to grow in this pain. thanks to everyone for the way family and community has rallied around my little family during this last week. it's pretty awesome to get sweet glimpses of kingdom of God on earth. thank you.

friday love list

i try so hard when i am on vacation not to get sad about leaving too early on in the vacation. like do the countdown until the turn of reality. but it's unavoidable to realize we leave tomorrow. so it's perfect to reflect a love list. 1. God's provision for a vacation in Hilton Head. Dream come true. [caption id="attachment_333" align="alignleft" width="200" caption="Yeah! Vacay! (and Father's Day!)"]
[/caption]     2. Bike rides. i have only been in the car twice since we arrived last saturday! the plantation has miles and miles of bike trails that are AWESOME and can get you to everything you need! [caption id="attachment_334" align="alignleft" width="200" caption="Can't handle the joy of bikes! "]
[/caption]   3. a sleepy-sunned baby after a day of play. her crab crawl on the sand is hilarious.
4. Naps. 5. Finishing a book. (read my sister's keeper and can't wait to see the movie, what a story!) 6. Doritos and lots of cold fruit. 7. A feeling of having time. [caption id="attachment_337" align="alignright" width="200" caption="hanging at south beach about to try my first smoothie"]
[/caption]     8. Cooking new recipes. (ya'll, the 20-minute recipes from this month's Real Simple make some healthy and DELISH meals and they are 20 minutes. (:) 9. The way the ocean always puts me in my place. Humbled, awed at its vastness and beauty and life. 10. The fact that i felt more confident with the least trim bathing suit body i have ever had in a bathing suit. and i even wore a mommy skirt.  a little self-grace. awesome.
Ahhh, this was good. thank you Lord.

our small efforts

it is worth trying to be environmentally thoughtful in my opinion. it is worth at least evaluating your "footprint" as they call it and taking measures to limit wastefulness and be good stewards to this beautiful earth. and we are all weighing the convience and the costs, so you do it where you can. and sometimes, well your bright idea may not be so great. i am stressed-out period about the amount of diapers in landfills. now let's be honest, not stressed enough to go cloth, but at least to use g-diapers when at all possible. (again, note, we all have our threshold of pain and you do what you can). anywho, i got the reusuable swim diapers so i wouldn't have to use swim diapers. they are adorable and smart i think. EXCEPT i have now been peed on 2X and i have literally had poop in my hands 2X. peed directly on... poop in hand. hmmm. reevaluating...