lil reality check

i must have a lot to say b/c i keep busting myself talking to myself. oops. my head does overtime which is why it is actually going to be a special experiment this week to have a whole week of nothing to worry about... we have never taken a family week-long beach trip and here we are. i am trying to focus on doing things that are relaxing and life giving when i can, i do understand there is reality on the other side. okay, so some of you are laughing, but give me my chance to learn. um, beach with a baby? a kid period. ah, dang. cute. for like 15-20 minutes. and then i want to read and i want the sand out of my bathing suit and i want to enjoy my canned amstel light and soak up the rays. FUNNY. after my first day at the beach, i am 3 pages farther in my book and i look the same as yesterday skin tone wise. and hannah had a movement that leaked threw her bathing suit onto the new tent/tarp. special. now granted, don't get me wrong... watching hannah eat sand and crawl to the water is adorable. she is fearless and curious. i love it!  AND life has changed, vacation is different. and this is not bad, this is just a brain shift. her hair is curling wildly with the humidity and water, it's so dang cute. and i actually found myself choked up when we strapped her in the back of the bike and we rode together to harbour town (which i did many times as a tike with my family). and stephen and i are making the most of meals at home. we are enjoying cooking together - last night fresh tomato linguine with salad and tonight flank steak with spinach,pine nut cous-cous (please refer to real simple for those of you that subscribe - the 20 min. meal ideas - YUM!). so this is good. this new vacay reality. i hope i make the most of it and soak up all i can.

Adoro los viernes

i meant to write before the next love list. i meant to. it was my motivation.  today started with a brief scary moment where i came to the realization that hannah will someday be a 13 year -old girl and have the potential of crying and waving her hands wildly after bands such as Jonas Brothers. this is what i witnessed on the TODAY show while at the gym this morning. Wow.  so here we go as i reflect on this week.  1. I love Stephen. We celebrated our 8th anniversary Tuesday and I like him even more than years past.  2. Women's Merona® Eleora Flat Sandals - Black Patent - From Target. I got black, but i want gold too. there are like five colors. So cute and comfy, three women in my office bought them after witnessing mine.  3. Love tapas. i wish all meals were tiny bits of lots of delish things.  4. wow, love that my husband gave got me into a summer wine club with wines from around the world being delievered to my house for the next 3 months. CANT wait! I have a secret hobby of learning about wines, so fun!  5. i love years of memories at Hilton Head with my family and we are heading tomorrow to make new ones as the oster fam... CANT WAIT!!!  wish like heck i knew how to get video to post b/c we have some hilarious ones but i am an L. Cheers to vacay!

friday love lists

ah, summer in the south. on the way to the gym at 6:30am you can break a sweat b/c its already 75 and humid. i toured some folks on campus the other day and warned them when i was getting up after an hour in a golf cart and no air that their might be a ring of sweat on the back of my skirt. well lucky for me it wasn't just a ring, but the entire back of my skirt was soaked. like go home and change your clothes before the next meeting soaked. and it's only june. but let's focus on the positive. my cousin has a fun tradition of friday funnies and i am thinking i may try friday love lists. reflecting at the week's end on things i love.  here's a start: 1. coffee and newspaper. the smell of both even make me smile, but together, mm. and in my pj's of course, its just the right way to start a day.  2. sleep bags for infants. LOVE them. yes, hannah is still in them. she loves them, they signal sleep and comfort and warmth and she doesn't get her legs stuck through the crib. what a great idea to create mini sleeping bags for minaratures who don't comprehend keeping the sheets over you to stay warm.  3. fresh baked morning items. we are in dire straight for a good bakery in CLT, i dream of pastries and scones. it's embarrassing.  4. Perfectly chilled Savingon Blanc from New Zealand for hot days. Crossings or Nobilo favs. crisp, pear. delish. not to sweet or oaky. yum. and it's only 10am. yikes.  5. Having something to look forward to - like vacation. or fridays. we take our first family week long beach trip to hilton head in exactly 8 days. i have talked of this for 6 months or a few years. can't wait.  6. Puffy, baby dollish, Shirts that you can wear with or without your remaining spare tire and it is totally in style and therefore its unknow if you are wearing bc you are savvy or bc there is still a special something around your gut. (i'm feeling a target run today.) 7. a tuckered baby at the end of the long day who happily crashes after a day of discovery.  8. the smell of gardenias plucked from the bush outside.  Oh, this is fun and reflectful (thats not a word, i know but it sounds like it should be one). Happy Friday!

living large

  is there really no such thing as 9-12 month clothing? is this like a memo i missed along with the other operating instructions? Size 6-12 months is a joke, babies fit in nothing for 6 months, that is like pick a month in this time span and hope that is the month your kid fits in this size. so really, i have 6-9 month pj's that are getting tight and potentially she couldn't  straighten her legs last night... why can't i find 9-12 month?  alright here's some pics to tell their own stories. she is so grown up. i love this age, i just want to hug her all day.    [caption id="attachment_297" align="alignleft" width="200" caption="i love to crawl, mostly with no knees touching the ground"]

[/caption]   [caption id="attachment_298" align="alignleft" width="200" caption="gucci, come play with me!"]

[/caption]   [caption id="attachment_299" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="my first boatride! made me a lil sleepy"]

[/caption]   [caption id="attachment_300" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="my 1st light rail ride with dad! "]

[/caption]   [caption id="attachment_301" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="learning to wave with uncle aaron"]

[/caption]   [caption id="attachment_302" align="alignleft" width="200" caption="we love and miss aunt kiki!"]

[/caption]   [caption id="attachment_303" align="alignleft" width="200" caption="Chilling during my first pool swim, it was COLD!"]

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seat at the table

i crept outside in the tall hard but plush Florida grass and stole some alone time without an agenda. i began to journal and found it was so hard to write.  i couldn't connect to myself because i had been moving so fast with so much on my mind that i was unknown to even myself. so I started by saying "Hey me, how are ya?" everyone is busy, i am not acting more than that, i just seem to go in waves where the agenda between work- home- family- church and friends is so full that there aren't moments where one of those areas doesn't occupy my mind. poor God He wasn't even on that list. oh but He is, He so is. The thing is that it actually feels this has been a good season. some of the kinks of dual life are getting worked out.  it's just that dual life is full life and every once in a while i am reevaluating what gives... aren't we all?  life is rich i think. the richness is complicated it seems but i think i still prefer rich to unrich (since that's a word and all).  and the real sweet thing about this phase in life for me is that i do feel the ability to soak in moments and those soaks give me strength for the rest of the moments. some really great things have been happening at work. i feel energized and capable with the challenges instead of anxious or afraid. i am enjoying learning teamwork and my mind is always doing overtime who/where i really want to be as a businesswoman. i heard a fantastic speaker who happens to direct the woman & public policy program at harvard (wow, so dreamy) and the title was "a woman at the table: a better feast for all". (can i get an amen?) that was over a month ago and very few ideas she spoke have i forgotten, and i have even taken some brave steps to go after some seats at tables I want to be a part of and trying to have faith that i will have something to contribute there. more to be done and i am balancing the ever so tightrope of allowing myself to dream and staying in touch with reality. (sorry mom, there is a reality).   i find myself elated as i watch hannah grow into a tiny person. i am hardly able to contain myself for all that she is beginning to absorb and discover. she brings so much joy to this home. she is crawling all over the place and she has 6 teeth already. she giggles and sometimes smiles so big you think her cheeks might dissapear. one of the hardest jobs i ever knew was the breastaruant and we are finally beginning to limit the hours of operation. who knew such an operation could occupy so much brain space, planning, and physical energy. almostoverit.com. it has been joyous and we are not closing, but just considering that the closet pumps may have an end in sight while hopefully the morning and evening hours can be maintained. my wise mom says it has to be good for mom and daughter to be worth the fight and if your quality of life is declining with it than it isn't helping hannah for you to always push through. hmm.  more pics soon, i promise, stephen has the downloader thing at work. miss you whoever on earth still finds it worthwhile to check this blog since i am hardly fulfilling the updating role. (:

downtime race

this is one of the mornings i keep reheating the coffee, the paper is beside me.. unread, there are multiple projects laying around half starter (like unloading the dishwasher, changing out sweaters to shorts) and my mind is so busy i can't get anything done. so i make my jimmy dean english muffin sandwich which i adore, face the fact that it is almost noon and i am still attempting my coffee and breakfast and that i would rather write than any other project while hannah is sleeping. this is one of those days i can wait for her to get up, don't get me wrong, i love her happy wake up face, but the short-lived glee is not far from my memory as this week has been a dousy for me. not in a dramatic dousy way, not too bad, just in the realization that i cannot always predict my child and that sometimes she is going to be the crankpot and i have no idea how to help and i absolutely dislike that.  uh-oh, i have missed my window, i hear the cry. another half starter effort. i try, does that help?

gardening therapy? not so much.

  [caption id="attachment_284" align="alignnone" width="150" caption="jean overalls and baby legs. can't handle it"]

[/caption] if you consider therapy switching pain from one part of your body all into your lower back, then yes gardening is your best therapy. it does indeed take your attention off other things and help you to switch gears to focus on the shooting pain in your back and the fact that you ruined all your nails by playing in dirt with bugs in it. i try, honestly, i want more hobbies like gardening, but i don't get it. it hurts. it reminds me that an 18 lb kid is a lot to hold.  [caption id="attachment_285" align="alignright" width="200" caption="Easter Sunday in Roanoke!"]

[/caption]     stephen and i embarked on an ambitious yard project this weekend and i admit, it was awesome to be outside, and it is awesome to see such progress by the end of the day. thing is, our only hope to not wash all that labor and money away is to keep gardening. that's a problem for me.  like my yard, i have been a little rough around the edges recently. i find that what i thought was a great skill of compartmentalizing has become a bit much bc i can't remember the compartments as well anymore. so when i shove issue A into a compartment to move on to issue b which i then shove into a different compartment often by the time i get to like compartment d shoving, i am anxiety ridden and i can't exactly figure out why. maybe because i can't fully get myself back to issue A to resolve, so now i have compiled them all into one issue. and that's special. this is usually when i get in trouble bc i am overwhelmed by a-d and i need to decompress. so that is my hope for my monday. even though as i am writing i feel anxious by all i need to do and all that will happen this week, i feel so so very aware of need to think and recharge. it's quite comical in fact that this week's chapter for small group is entitled, "an unhurried life". that should be good. (ha ha, wink wink). Similar to last week on the discipline of JOY, who has these things figured out, Please stand up. i only get frustrated b/c i want so so very badly to be in the unhurried and joyous life club. anywho, off to get started. [caption id="attachment_286" align="alignleft" width="200" caption="my first Easter! "]

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bff

i was talking to PH's little sister the other day, Sarah, and we were talking about her upcoming adventure with her new hubby Danny. They are going to Korea to teach for a year. We are so excited for them and as i was talking to her I said something that i didn't even realize how true it was.. until a few more days of reflection. When Stephen and I took our adventure out West, now that i look back, I realize that one of the greatest jewels from that time was that we really became best friends. neither of us had anything familiar or secure to ground us like a job, or family, or a place to live, or friends. (i know some of you are saying, what about God and your faith... and thankfully, we did have that wonderful foundation) and we just kind of organically rallied around each other in this insecure but exploratory time. we made up more games than any two people i know, we went to happy hours so we could afford the $1 PRB, we took walks and hikes, and sat in Powell's (a bookstore) for hours. we hoped aloud, shared fears aloud, complained aloud, we questioned aloud... and in time we experienced together great provision and grounding.  i share that b/c some of my fears with beginning a family were around how much it would change stephen and i. in fact i remember tears on mulitple occassions wondering how much i would miss of Stephen and I's relationship once we had a kid. i remember the feeling that our days of adventure were over for now. and well, some of my fears have come true b/c there is no going back, but even more evident is that I am surprised, so very pleasantly surprised at what an unbelievable delight and privilege it is to care for a baby with Stephen. I am surprised at how wonderfully natural our idea of co-parenting has played out. i was sure i would nag more, i was sure i would be disappointed more, i was sure i would feel abandon more, i was sure i would sacrifice us time more.. and absolutely not. I feel such teamwork, such support, such flow to our start that i am shocked. and so so very grateful and so my point of this long story is that as i have reflected, i do believe that in some part, this flow is born out of being best friends and doing life together. of knowing each other well enough to know the times when one more single hannah scream is going to put the other over the edge, or when a work day was too heavy and they need rest, or maybe need exercise. but just trying the best we know how to tag team, well it's so far exceeded my expectations. and that is really hard to do. (:

Half a Year

    

  

  

 

Hannah is half a year old. I try to document stories but i must also document some pics. She weighed in at 16lbs and 26 inches for her 6 month appt. She becomes more full of life and exploratory by everyday that passes. she is gleeful and curious.  we are truly having the time of our life with her. Who knew she could be half a year old so darn fast.

  

  

the very best laid plans

are clearly God's and not mine. And what's tricky is that I have NO idea what those might turn out to be. the grand mystery of faith. ah, i trust He is wiser, i so do.this weekend brunch for 30 was ready. flowers were planted and cut. casseroles baked and china set. family was in town from canada, st.louis, asheville, roanoke, atlanta and we were all gearing up for hannah's dedication. my expectations were too high from the beginning, go figure. it was far bigger deal than like a first birthday to me bc in my head this was a chance to slow down and formally with small group, friends and family remind ourselves of the road we journeyed bringing us to such a day where we could dedicate a child to the Lord and the church community. i was full of anticipation...and i still will be when we try again because this past sunday morning instead of a dedication we woke up to a stomach virus.  around 6:30am on sunday morning, i called my mom to tell her i wasn't feeling right when she informed me that she had been up in the night not feeling so right. 10 minutes later, i got sick. then hannah through up her breakfast and in two hours i was joined in bed by stephen and we camped out there for over 24 hours. before its all said and done this mean little bug passed through 8 family members. sad times.  However, we are on the up and up now, and i am not upset and nothing is the end of the world. we will reschedule. and for us life went to slow motion for one  full week which was actually probably quite a blessing.