Ahh, it's good to grow up..

and you think i am going to talk about hannah. Ha, Not! last weekend we celebrated my Aunt Nancy's 65th birthday by 7 of us from 6 different cities arriving upon Myrtle Beach, SC and spending a weekend together remembering and celebrating her life. my mom, the dreamer, the lady with her "wanter" always engaged, organized the trip for her sister. they are professional celebrators so it was a dream come true to return the love to one of them.  and you know what was nice, as the very youngest of the group (other than ha0), it was great to be grown up. the tricky thing about family actually is that we don't all have memory cards we can erase for others on what we may have been like in our younger years. unfortunately, i can't change the bad form i have assumed at plenty of family gathering and neither can i forget the form of others from years past. but the beauty and the grace and the tangible redemption exhibited by moving behind those years and still sticking together is quite a rewarding and fantastic experience. i truly appreciate the messy joyous true love we all have for one another not because we are in perfect form, but because we are family, and not just family on Earth, but we are family in the Kingdom. the weekend was a nice celebration, of our treasured Aunt, and of sharing life together for whatever moments we may steal away together. and although i left with a bit of a heavy heart of reality for the many hardships being endured by these women, i have no choice but to be back on my knees and asking for bigger faith to trust that God sees each of them and loves us all dearly.  i am so grateful for Hannah, a sweet symbol of God's graciousness to us, to be raised around these brave fighters of women.  i know she will be so glad she was included on the Nanny celebration as i know she will grow to love her Great Nanny. hopefully cousin christy will hook me up with some pics to include on this blog. (:

don't cry over spilled milk..

unless it's breastmilk...that you just pumped... your kid's next meal... and you are locked out of the closet where you spilt the milk... at work.. and late for your next meeting. then you should cry. or laugh really hard.
oh, the things that are never told of a new mom are getting funnier and funnier. i hope i keep chosing to laugh.  i cannot even put into words the joy of my birthday morning to wake up to Hannah. the little gift that keeps on giving. i know she will behave perfectly today for my birthday.  hee hee. i am so loving these days with her. she has her gracious, curious spirit, smiling huge when i sang to her just now which is so endearing b/c i clearly cannot hold a tune. life feels so full, but so very rich.   [caption id="attachment_247" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="gimme that dad. hao's first rice cereal!"]
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Earth's crammed with Heaven

why am i so bad at blogging on the hard weeks... urgh. if that is the case my entries may come to quite a lull b/c life is still life. how aggravating. i think i am in a pruning season. which actually, while painful and itchy, is good. i needed the reminder of God's nearness, His desire to mold and shape us, a BIG reminder of purpose. hello, we aren't on this earth just for me? there are a few tricky parts to shape time. one, it makes you realize how much we all just operate. how mostly disconnected on a daily basis we are to our real purpose. so dang distracted i am, we are, i think. we'll i'll just speak for myself but sometimes in this phase you get a wake up call to everything around you, which is especially annoying b/c it was all fine yesterday, why do i have to be more aware today.  i am reading this book that suggests that spiritual life is in essence what i am speaking of - it is about transformation. "If you are weary of some sleepy form of devotion, probably God is as weary of it as you are." (Frank Laubach) i am weary. so bring on this molding b/c i feel ready for more life. "If we cannot be transformed we end up being either informed or conformed." (John Ortberg) Even at church the other week, our pastor telling the parable of the seeds (i am sure it is called smthg more sophisticated), spoke boldly and said, "be in or be out" if you are dropping seed on the rocks or if you are entangled by the thorns  - don't wait til there are no thorns, face them, discover them and fight them. and for heck's sake why waste time dropping seed on rocks where it will absolutely never grow. i do that. and i am entangled. and i waste time on rocky soil.  So after a week or two  of some rough discussion and some obvious warfare in my household for both Stephen and I, God is speaking some words to me that i need to wrap myself up in. Balance and Humility. that's where i'll start for now, not as if i could totally perfect these things but to at least try. i got to stay actively alive not just operational.  so i am overly quotey on this entry but to end with a quote that i loved the first line and felt challenged to see and be pieces of heaven now.not then.  "Earth's crammed with Heaven, and every common bush afire with God, But only they who sees takes off their shoes - the rest sit round it and pluck blackberries." (elizabeth barrett browning)

do-over

there are days i want to ignore. days i am so restless, so unproud, that i mentally delete them from the collection.  her tiny but wonderfully dimpled and chunky thighs were hugged by the jumperoo seat and her feet dangled in their pink infant type uggs.
it was so cute a sight that i could barely hold on to the steam seeping from my ears. how can you stay frustrated with these minatures? i should have known from the first feeding this day was going to be a do-over. went to church late, without starbucks, and a half cooked jimmy dean egg sandwhich hoping to be spiritualy awoken and revived amidst the dryness and exhaustion of my heart. HA. we made it about 20 minutes and we were back in the car headed home. she was in the perfect Tarheel outfit, her first pair of tights, i had showered, and dried my hair and put on makeup, i had timed the feeding perfectly.... except she had different plans. those plans included not eating and doing as many backbends as a 4 month can do while wailing wilding in the air. hmm. in front of the infant room workers who i had just told that i would "feed her real quick and then you'll have a happy alert baby".  wonder what they said when i left. 
it also didn't help that the infant room volunteer was a lovely blonde who just happened to mention that Oh.. my daughter is 4 months also (and there she was perfectly playing and smiling up at me). nevermind that she was like pencil-thin which is always rude to point out that we have baby's the exact same age and we will ignore that i am still sporting the spare tire around my midsection.  and last and seemingly insignifcant.. unless you have known me and watched any movie with me or been over to the house past 8pm in the last 6 years, i cannot find my beloved blue sweatpants. the soft, perfectly unshapely, paint stained and torn on the ankles wonderful blue sweatpants are missing. i am sad, my nights are less than, it is less rewarding to take the suit and heels off and not have these to hug and relax the body.  so I'll close without moaning but with my fav parts of the benediction from the inauguration. i need to repeat lines like these more often until i can really allow my soul to soak them up.  "God of our weary years, god of our silent tears, thou, who has brought us thus far along the way, thou, who has by thy might led us into the light, keep us forever in the path we pray, lest our feet stray from the places, our god, where we met thee, lest our hearts, drunk with the wine of the world, we forget thee. Shadowed beneath thy hand, may we forever stand true to thee, oh God, and true to our native land. But because we know you got the whole world in your hands, we pray for not only our nation, but for the community of nations. Our faith does not shrink though pressed by the flood of mortal ills. help us to hold on to the spirit of fellowship and the oneness of our family. Let us take that power back to our homes, our workplaces, our churches, our temples, our mosques, or wherever we seek your will. With your hands of power and your heart of love, help us then, now, Lord, to work for that day when nations shall not lift up sword against nation..when justice will roll down like waters and righteousness as a mighty stream  That all those who do justice and love mercy say Amen." Rev. Joseph Lowry

chatter & laughter

the best noise in the world is waking up to this chatter. it makes me laugh. she is even moving her mouth now like she was forming real words, it is hilarious. she seems to like to talk the most on her changing table. so sometimes when i am getting ready for work and stephen is getting her ready for her day I will hear through the monitor - da da..daddy. this is not hannah saying this but you can tell what he is hoping for with her first words, its very endearing.  i will figure out how to upload a video one day... and on that day i will post this chatter we were able to catch on film the other day. we joke and say it sounds a bit like a teradactyl, but it always seems to make us laugh. I actually remember randy kate, a longtime great friend telling us as we were about to enter parenthood that one of things she treasured about having kids was all the new laughter that entered their home. i loved that. and actually as i have reflected further on the holidays I truly believe one of my highlights was listening to Isaac crack up. it was so totally delightful to hear his unfiltered laughter amidst the chaos around us. we have so much to look forward to!  so i'll share a recipe that is cooking in our house right now b/c it's so easy and so dang good i feel i must. let's call is wilmore white chili as the recipe originated from our wonderful neighbors the kings and has been shared with families all over the hood.  4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cooked, shredded 3 cans of white northern beans, undrained 1 can of black beans, drained I jar/pint of fresh salsa 2 cups of shredded cheddar or colby jack cheese um, just throw in everything but the cheese, bring to a boil, then turn in to simmer, stir in teh cheese and let cook until all is melted and warm and yummy. honestly, i know there is a lot you could add, but just try it, its delish and low budget. (:  hoping for snow tonight...and really excited and hopeful for a safe and wonderful ushering of our 44th President to office tomorrow. whatever your politics are, thank you Bush for your 8 years of service and WELCOME Barack!!

bye bye 08

  [caption id="attachment_219" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="where's santa?"]
[/caption]     happy new year. ah, 2009. what will we do? resolutions, i haven't had a chance to think on these yet. i don't think we like doing these but i do like the feeling of focus and goals. focus and goals, hmmm.  i hope to stay attentive to life. i hope to allow myself the space to enter more fully into the questions haunting my head. i hope to not be so afraid of what i might think or feel for entering more fully into the questions. i hope to keep dating my husband. i hope to pick the right things for the energy i have. i hope to be a patient, thoughtful boss and kind colleague. i hope to work hard. i hope to skip all the chores and love watching every detail of hannah's growth on my days with her. i hope to focus less on each morsel that goes in my mouth and focus more on growing character. [caption id="attachment_220" align="alignright" width="200" caption="hanging with cousin drew, primer navidad!"]
[/caption]     i could go on and on but those came to mind firsts. maybe i don't make resolutions because i dont want to be dissapointed when 2010 arrives and i can't check many of those off. (: the holidays - they were full. the bag stayed mixed. i savored all the days with hannah, she is changing SO fast, i am scared of what i'll miss of her tininess and thrilled for what i am getting to know about her growth. the time at the 
osters was simple and great. the flights across country were um.. special. (why in the heck did i think that was going to be easy?) time with my family was complex and had some heartache. the time with jon and jaz was short but refreshing to be in the presence of such dear friends. overall, we leave the holiday season so very grateful for all we have - we are a blessed blessed family both in material and relationship.    [caption id="attachment_221" align="alignleft" width="200" caption="the whole oster fam"]
[/caption]   [caption id="attachment_223" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="PH in one of his fav places, Granville Island, Vancouver with two of his fav things, snow and coffee (: "]
[/caption]   [caption id="attachment_225" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="Loved being with my sister! "]
[/caption]   [caption id="attachment_226" align="alignnone" width="150" caption="how bout that mistletoe! (does she already think i'm a dork?)"]
[/caption]   [caption id="attachment_230" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="i loved meeting you Jon & Jaz, thanks for my shirt!"]
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i'm too sexy for my volvo

not a song my friends, but a book... a mom's guide how to stay fabulous. not so much on my christmas wish list, while we are happy volvo drivers, i don't have the mental space to jump into this novel on how to feel sexy in my volvo stationwagon. seriously? made me laugh and that was appreciated.  mixed bag - this season is a mixed bag. for everyone, right? my heart feels streched all over the place... tugged at each corner. i'm allowing the twinkle of the christmas tree lights and this delish glass of red wine to warm me as i reflect on the speediest season of all. i meant to participate more fully in advent, how many years do i get to say that? i meant to have my shopping (nevermind finished) started...i meant to make it to your christmas party and bake you cookies or bread? i thought about the gym, does that count? but weighty things are on my heart - the lost jobs and the searching for new, the broken marriage ending in separation, the damn strength of infertility waving by longing hearts of friends, tiredness feeling neverending, most things feeling unaccomplishable, single heart longing for companionship, families around the world suffering for the basic needs. these very real things break my heart.  here's what mixes the bag - what completely undoes me is to be witness to God's miracle and timing. last year at this time was one of the lowest seasons of my life. i was lonely and surprised again to go through the holiday season childless. how many times do we approach seasons surprised and hoping we would be in a different place?  Graciously, God chose last January to give us the unbelievable gift of conception. and now we enter this holiday beaming with joy to hold our very favorite gift everyday. so what i guess i am trying to say is half the bag makes it worth hoping. it is the season of miracles, right...

you know your a mom when...

you hop into your stationwagon (point one) and find a dirty diaper on the floor mat (#2 and frightening). Or when you reach in your coat pocket and pull out a burp cloth, also used. Or when you are hanging in a crowd of pals and suddenly one reaches up in the direction of your chest and says, ah look down. Or my favorite which was at 4pm tuesday i remembered that i did actually need a shower today b/c at 4am that morning, sweet girl's spitup went all the way down my pajamas (which of course i was still in) and that constant special smell could be contributed to that... if you aren't looking close enough you might miss the tiny lift of her back as she naps peacefully on her tummy. (don't worry, she is right beside me on her tummy, she sleeps on her back at night). its so sweet i keep wanting to reach over and give the little bottom that is tucked up in the air a little pat. 
we just returned from a really wonderful wedding weekend. Our (PH's) little sister, Sarah got married. talk about rallying, sarah and danny's community, from family to friends, rallied for this wedding. they experienced a very difficult engagement period as Danny, her now hubs, lost his father 12 days before the wedding day. so his family, and most of sarah's, went from funeral to wedding. the funeral was a holy experience for me - Danny's father was an unbelievable man - sold out to Jesus (PH makes fun of me for this saying). He spent 40 years in Nigeria, Africa loving on people and teaching at a school there. Danny's father, Jim, came from a missionary family, raised his family in Nigeria, and i am sure we will hear of some of his kids returning to the field. there is a beautiful legacy of deeply loving Jesus and in turn wanting to love His people in Africa. and his funeral service was the way i could only hope mine would be, a true celebration and memory of His life and a praise to God for the life lived. 
so back to the wedding, it too was a great celebration of God's sweet provision of Danny and Sarah to one another. they glowed for days and it was a real treat to take joy in their love. PH and i are excited to have a new family member. speaking of new family members, we also got to meet our new nephew Drew.. ADORABLE and HAPPY boy. it was certainly a time for the books as Anna and I found all sorts of unique places to nurse our kiddos whilst  wearing dresses. i am very excited about christmas with the osters as it will be a whole new place as the family grew by 3 since last Christmas. [caption id="attachment_198" align="alignnone" width="200" caption="Ben, Ella, Anna, Tom, Sherry, Drew, Sarah, Danny, Ash, Hannah, and PH!"]
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