Stay in.

i sense your nearness God, i have this acute awareness of your power above all things right now. that you are in control. i started pregnancy this way and i am desperately ending it this way, aware that i can do nothing to chose her due date. but just wanted to double check that you know that i would like her to stay in.  the general public's favorite line right now as they give this pitiful sympathetic look for me as we embrace the august heat is "I bet you are so ready for that baby to come". i smile and every once in a while tell the truth that actually no, i am not.  if baby girl came this week, the following would be true: my parents would be in Canada, Stephen's parents would most likely be in St. Louis meeting our new nephew, i would not have had the chance to train the women who i just hired to be my sidekick and carry the load while i am on maternity leave, our house is still a construction site with no room set up for her, and i haven't washed all of her things to make sure they are clean, soft and safe for her arrival.  plus honestly i am a little scared. wow. please sweet girl, hang in there.  also true: God is good to us, knows even our silly details of non-preparation, and that Stephen and I's hearts expand daily in anticipation of meeting her and that nothing overrides our joy and hope to meet our healthy baby girl.     [caption id="attachment_92" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Cuz Lori wonderful surprise visit this weekend! "]
[/caption]       [caption id="attachment_91" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Guch and Lori"]
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Creation Fascination

every week since we found out we were pregnant, i feel like i could write on this topic. my faith has truly been enlightened in many ways by this pregnancy journey. how creative and imaginative is our God? How perfectly He designs His creation. From the way the baby is made to the way she will enter the world to the way she will be fed, wow, unreal.  now in the face of fascination and awe, let's also be honest, women deal with some "special" things during this body morphis of being with child. i really should have given more praise to my old body for i now know i will never see it again quite like that. its like looking at pictures from high school and wondering why on earth i wasn't kinder to myself, those were some good days. one of my favorite books is anne lamont's traveling mercies (total sidenote here is i limit my deep love for her writing to this one book of hers as i have tried many of the others and felt sorely disappointed) and a fantastic chapter is entitled the aunties. it is hilarious and i have thought of it many times in my new skin as the aunties are in fact the name she gave her thighs. their presence was so strong in her life that they were awarded a name. mine have reached this pinnacle as well and so i think i will call them ninos (to keep with my desire to always integrate the spanish). the only separation for the ninos now at this new "special" time is when i put a pillow there to sleep. otherwise they follow me everywhere making their presence known. i am sparing all of you by only talking about thighs, trust me.  back to the beauty. we have now attended child birthing class, infant CPR, and breastfeeding class. if you have spent as much time in denial as me, you too will find these classes very helpful. i have been the type to try to change the topic as soon as a veteran mom launches into her childbirth story, not because its not beautiful b/c i was not in the place to receive it. people share an uncanny amount of information and advice with you when you are pregnant. which is why i won't dive into all that I learned, i will only reiterate where i started.. the design is unbelievable, i have creation fascination and i am still scared out of my wits to bring her into this world but i am comforted by the brilliance of how what i have is what she needs in the most unique of ways.

Las Chicas y Mujeres (Girls & Women)

this keeps happening. i blog in my head but never get around to posting and now i have 4 totally different things to blog on, sheesh.  women. that is the topic for today. for two reasons. one is that i recently attended a women in business awards luncheon and i found myself smiling the whole time through. the university hosted a table of women and i loved bouncing around talking to all these rockstars. as i listened to the keynote, i realized she kept referring to some female firsts in Charlotte in the 1970's and 1980's - like first woman elected to local government, first women rise in banking industry, first woman city manager, many female started small businesses, and so on. and i realized that my generation of girls aren't necessarily a part of doing and being the first but we were raised by some trailblazers, we were raised consciously or unconsciously a part of the rise in equality for women, especially as it relates to business. it was so cool for me to think that slowly over time people quit telling me i had only two options, outside the home that is, to be a teacher or a nurse. and then to think about baby girl and realize what she will be raised seeing and thinking - i love it! regardless of political opinions, this little girl will be raised in such a different environment of what women and men can do from running the country to serving in the church to leading her math club.  i am so excited for her to have the world before her and see all the ways that she will chose to use her unique creation to live and serve in this world. i have great pride in making sure i am not a part of the voices that will ever limit her because of her gender. Okay, i could go on and on there, and i will stop before i get in trouble. Second thing i love about women is the way we celebrate. i grew up in an especially gifted group of celebrators. My mom and Aunt Nanny are next to famous for the way they know how to make you feel like the most cherished and accomplished. I have been blessed to be given some wonderful women in my life here in Charlotte who have journeyed a long way to parenthood with Stephen and I. Recently Sandy, Randy Kate, Kim and Kate hosted a shower to celebrate God's generous provision of this baby girl. The gifts were so amazing i tried to rewrap them after i opened them so Stephen could have the joy to of receiving all this goodness pouring in for Sprouta. She has more diva clothes than me now.
   [caption id="attachment_71" align="alignnone" width="500" caption="La Tea's"]
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sandy, me, kim, and randy kate (miss ya kate!)

Shower

I am writing as a huge shower goes on outside, the best kind, the thunderstorms of hot nc summers. but the shower i actually want to write about is a different kind - my first baby shower. 
I  will use pictures to talk on this one. it was a total delight, joyous morning to celebrate the soon arrival of baby girl.  again, i am blown away by other's generosity, special thanks to the hosts - mary watson, laurie, allison, and megan, it was dreamy. second special thanks to my mother, i was beside myself she could be with me for this fun celebration - she is unbelievable at ALWAYS showing up for me, being ever so present and fully joyous right along side of me, how does she do this for each occassion big and small, year after year, i don't know, but i am endlessly grateful and love sharing that experience with her. She is going to be the best Sooz!

outer banks & chicago

Generous, maybe even lavish. That is probably the best word/s that describes both of these experiences. [caption id="attachment_32" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="Ella Mercy"]
[/caption] first stephen and i took off a day earlier than planned to spend time at the beach with his family. it was beautiful and restful. anna, one of our sisters, is 3 weeks ahead of me in expectation of delievering her second baby, this one a boy. her precious little daughter Ella added so much joy to each of our days as she soaked up the last days in the limelight as the only grandchild. it was wonderful to have them visit us in Charlotte, play with us at the beach and then come to my first baby shower. thanks anna and Ella, we loved the time with you and miss you already knowing we don't get to play again until Christmas. Sarah, the youngest sister in the crew (hard to believe i am not the youngest somewhere), is newly engaged and will be marrying a wonderful young man in the fall. we watched them kind of float around the rest of us as they relish in the glee of this commitment, this new love. again our joy was increased as we witnessed God's provision for Sarah and Danny of being able to do life together from here on out. Then was good time with Tom and Sherry, and hearing of their blossoming church, how even in this very uncertain financial times, God is affirming their place in Roanoke at this church with their portion. i returned home and recieved a last minute request to go on the Charlotte Chamber's Inter-City visit to Chicago in my boss's place. Wow, i was thrilled and a little scared if i could do it at 29 weeks, but it was too great an opportunity to pass up. I loved it - while traveling on a charter plane, staying at the Drake Hotel, dining at amazing resturaunts (and passing on the wine - painful!), taking a architectural boat tour of downtown Chicago, and attending a Cubs game - i just felt SO lucky. i loved everything i learned and truly developed some fantastic relationships on behalf of the University. The trip examines best practices of other cities so it was so fun to learn about their urban higher ed presence, their fantastic transportation portals and their amazing green movements including millienum park. really great city.   [caption id="attachment_64" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="Cubbies Game w/Colleague"]
[/caption] [caption id="attachment_65" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Wish my dad and Ben, my brother-in-law could have been with me!"]
[/caption]   with fat feet at the end of those long days all i can say is... thankful.                 [caption id="attachment_66" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="Prego enjoying a Chicago dog - tomatoes, relish, mustard on poppyseed, like a local"]
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how to be radical?

victim but not agent. these words keep rolling through my head that my parents and i discussed yesterday. how can you be a victim of some wrong treatment and make sure that you are not an agent of transferring that pain to someone else? its tough. especially when we operate so fast it is difficult to be thoughtful in between. anxiety with its powerful grip has revisited me. especially during the hours of 6:30am-6pm.  this morning while reading Spiritual Direction I think God was trying to do a little rewiring for me - he was trying to catch me in the space between and say to me that what matters here in Jesus's eyes is radically different from most of the rest of the world. God is interested in my response amidst the struggle. He is interested that I see people, pass kindness and trust in His provision now. Hmmm. too bad i am sort of in the kick-butt-take-names frame of mind, i want a little earthly justice. radically different. 

Thank you Dad

My father is in Cambodia today so it is difficult to give him a call or a card to tell him the million things i'd like to say to him on this day. Slowly as we have begun to embrace the diva, I have become introspective on who i am and what influences played a large role in this women's life. Quickly my father rose to the top ranks of the list. Truly i feel no words do justice for how endlessly grateful I am for my dad.  My dad is compassionate, alive, generous, tender, fun, prayerful, faithful, and present. I was raised knowing i was cherished by him, a delight to his life.  I have memories of hanging out with him at Young Life camp, wanting to be beside him when he spoke to the kids or leaders, laughing at him when he did the skits. He was and is a hero to me. I remember the day he walked me down the aisle, how even right before we entered the sanctuary he was praying for me as he has faithfully my whole life. Now i hear him care for missionaries around the world and allow himself to be immersed in their place. His heart is so available to see them and meet them where they are. He never lacks awe for the power of God in any place.  he did the "right thing" too, never missing a chance to cheer (or coach) a softball or volleyball game. but what was impressed on me as his little girl was not just his attendance but his spirit and his example. my hero lived a life worth taking note of, one i wanted to immulate and be a part of, one that set a tone for us his children of how to love in this world.  he doesn't see color or class or weight or height or money when he choses to love, he sees God's creation, God's children. he does not fear in loving people but has surrendered to God for wisdom and strength to do so.  he is for me. my dad is with me, and now as he awaits meeting his granddaughter, he prays and waits in great anticipation and hope. already he loves to hear the details of her growth and my embrace of her. his interest in my stages through this have been so tender and meaningful to me. I am confident we are entering another great phase of our relationship as he embraces his daughter as a mother and loves his new granddaughter.  i so celebrate you today Dad, Happy Father's day, and thank you.