God hearts yoga

the other night i made it through an hour and 15 minute power yoga class being 6 months pregnant. after nights and nights of interrupted sleep with back pain, this was the most invigorating accomplishment. i swear as hokey as some may think yoga is, God loves it too. We are meditative, quiet but active, connected to our strength and our body just as it is, we are surrendered a bit to our limitations but find progress in the tiniest things, we are aware but not distracted. its just this great space, it is chi, (i don't even think that is how you spell it) and even with this large belly i find great beauty and strength.    and i haven't been chi since... as much as i try to meditate and learn when something is put on my heart, i find this is like climbing uphill. we are reading this great book in small group that brought up great ideas of knowing our space in this existence, knowing our place of intended rest in Jesus, knowing our identity as was given from the beginning as God's beloved. but we spend most waking hours on other things somehow. how does that work? am i the only one disconnected from this talk? i long to really get that i am beloved, to really get that we are intended to rest, that our space of existence usually has little to do with what we labor over everyday. we seem so distracted, so out of touch but ever the more in touch. who can put their blackberries down or keep the computer off for hours on end or skip TV for a few weeks.  i am wrestling this week for two main reasons - 1. i have turned in my proposal for work for my post baby plans and it has really challenged me to think of what i am all about and where/how i am intended to have impact 2. the reality is very slowly sinking in that i will have a baby girl here in just a few months, i dream of all the things i want to be to her. i think daily now about what i want her to know and be taught and see in the home. but damn, i've been so long distracted, am i joking myself that i can lead her in these dreamy ways, that i can expose her to life i want her to know if i am barely grasping it myself.  cheers to the weekend and my first beach trip of the season. 

marshmallows, monuments, and movement

sums up my week.  although i was leaving as a complete train wreck, i had some wonderful traveling mercies as i took a business trip to washington dc this week. i love love that city. i forget. it's so beautifully powerful and powerfully beautiful and i am always grateful we lived there. my memories of that city and my life during that time are so rich (and by no means do i mean this in the financial sense, these were the glory days of $24000 government salary). incredible community, first job, second job, the thrill of the Hill, engagement, marriage, first apartment with boy (it was my spouse, relax), kickball, carpool, 10th flr. balcony, CNN night and day.. i could go on and on.. 9.11, anthrax, the sniper, etc (we try to leave these off the positive lists, but still unbelievable experiences).  anyway, some of you are skimming now, so i'll just say, thank you Lord for the wonderful traveling, for a good conference, and for a great dinner with my cousin Lori and a great dinner with my sis in law, Sarah and her beau, Danny. adding memories.  i have also become obssessed this week with Sprouta's movement. Or lack of, i should say. i have experienced the foreshadowing of when the parent books say that your kid should be doing something by a certain age and mine won't and i lose touch with reality. the baby books say i should feel movement all the time. i don't. it's probably all in my head b/c i am sure she is somersaulting in there, i just haven't slowed down to figure out the difference between gas bubbles and movement. until the other night when i was feeling anxious so i got in the bath and tried to focus and suddenly after about 12 mins., she gave like a karate chop. it was awesome and i laughed outloud at myself and her. i so heard he saying, mom, chill out, I'm having a blast in here. phew.  the other movement issue is just the movement in my heart. and this entry is already too long for me to go into detail, so i will just say that i am thinking so much about my career, where it will go, how i want my days to spent, how i can stay engaged in work and the life giving parts of that and also enter into caring for mini me.  so last last is that my girlfriend encouraged me to keep note of the things i craved with this little one - the list is simple. meat, chick-fil-a, fruit, meat, lemonade (from chickfila nonetheless) and finally marshmallows. Bryan and Isaac left their smores material at my house after the last visit and it hasn't been uncommon at all for me to sneak away for a graham cracker, dark chocolate morsel, and a marshmallow heated in the microwave for 12 seconds. YUM. 

Not for the faint of heart

I had no idea. no idea. the pain of fertility/infertility has shown its face in so many heinous forms and my heart cannot stomach this.  I am angry and heartbroken. I know no one wants to hear that or knows what to do with that. i have been punished many times over for expressing anger, but i can't help it today. there is no glossing over.  My precious sister, Amy, miscarried her baby yesterday at 11 weeks. She and Aaron were the bravest, joyous, faithful hopers for this little "tiger" as they called him. I was spoiled and we got time together both here in Charlotte and then in Vancouver, and we dreamed together of being mommies and raising these little cousins. we found maternity clothes and bought tiger his first pair of shoes. i feel foolish for allowing us to dream like that, i knew it was too good to be true.  why did we even get that time together? i don't understand it makes the cut so much deeper. why them? i tried in my journey to avoid the why question b/c you recieve the most recited sayings from everyone - it's all a part of a big plan, it all works together for good, there is a reason for all these things. i can't quote those right now, i can't recieve those right now, i am not feeling it. i am not feeling this plan, i am not getting it. I am not okay to not get it right now, is that the real deal, that we are all just fine and dandy to be so completely clueless and out of control. not me, not right now. i know this is a downer and i know better days are ahead, but this is where i am right now.  Sprouta can't wait to meet Tiger in heaven. 

Sunrise

the day wakes and i am a part of it. there is so much peace in watching it go from dark to light, in feeling a part of the power of the sun. there is probably few sunrises as beautiful as Vancouver, especially here in the blue palace. that's what we call it, 3 years ago my siblings scouted out a place for my parents to live for their adventure here in Vancouver, BC. that's when they found it, the tiny blue tiles that outline the high-rise are beautiful, Gaudiesk even, but the treasure is once you get off the special smelling elevator on the 10th floor and walk to the corner unit, you walk in to windows in all directions outlining their bedroom, kitchen and living room. the view is indescribably beautiful and here i try - snow-capped mountains guard the 100 tall buildings that oversee the English Bay. and inside this view are some of the best memories for so many in our families. we love being in this city. this is the day that the Lord has made, i will rejoice and be glad in it! thank you for this resting place and celebration time, we needed it!

thank you

the formal thank you notes should be in the mail but i am horrendously behind period on thank you notes of all kinds, professional and personal. please accept my apology and know you have really blessed me.  She is spoiled already. Kim, dear friend, left us a basket full of GIRL goodies to begin to jazz us up about girls. she has two beautiful ones who we adore and will be great role models for Sprouta, I already know it. and Kim's tenderness to her daughters, wow.  my mother-in-law, Sherry, sent two fantastic baby polo outfits - can you take it? wow, we are in trouble, all this minature clothing is adorable. i do realize the reality is that she will spit up and potentially poop on half of these dreamy outfits in the 2 months they fit her. that's beside the point.  lastly, my sister was here for the last few days. she is so so cool and patient and sacrificial and resourceful. so many things i am so happy to be exposed to and reminded there is hope that Sprouta will have some fantastic outside influencers in her life. If she gets any of those characteristics from her aunt amy i will be beside myself. amy and aaron are also expecting and the joy of talking pregnancy with my sister was just too generous of God to us, we loved it. (although i hated to inform her of what was quickly approaching her bod.. gas, a box of a body topped off with unmanageable chest, tossing and turning to figure out how to sleep with this waterballon type belly, sweat, etc. etc.) Okay, so i must get to packing, tomorrow i head for Vancouver, BC where we will begin days of celebration for my mom and aaron who are graduating with their Master's degree from Regent. My mom, holy cow, what an unbelievable accomplishment, getting her master's degree in her late 50's. surpassing her daughter's resume, just like that. She has worked so hard and it will be pure joy to celebrate all she has gotten to experience over the last 3 years in school. You go girl. (now get back to the EAST side!)

Preparing for a Diva

the title was inspired by one of my favorite responses to the latest announcement. Jaz said, "I am thrilled to have a diva added to my world". It's a girl.    Whatever will we do? It is so so so real now. She is healthy and growing. She is the size of a bell pepper and weighs 8 oz. i can't believe her. And she is only giving me 21 weeks to prepare for her arrival.    Orange. with pink. That is the early visions of her room. she is spunky one and it can't be too pepto bismolish for her. she's a diva in the making for heaven sake.  I realize I should have some level of fear either way.. but a girl. i can mess her up faster can't I? I mentioned such a thing to a woman at work I greatly admire and she had a stunned look on her face - and she said - no way, your little girl will be as resilient as you teach her to be. and suddenly the room moved on me a little bit b/c i realized i have this fantastic opportunity to influence the life and molding of a girl to be woman. awesome.   

Go Tarheels!

It feels wrong to begin with anything other than that considering the season.  I am not posting as much b/c honestly i can't figure this one out as well and need help from PH on pictures, etc. It's just we are running in circles, so i haven't been able to tackle him to address the needs of the blog. sheesh. Really just a shout out to my mom this week because she finished graduate school and is up to graduate with a masters degree in christian studies from Regent College in Vancouver, BC. She finished her written and oral thesis, and she is just a total rockstar. I am so proud and admire her so much. Now, if she and dad will just get their rears back to the East Coast we'll be all fine and dandy.Bryan, the lone ranger of the Wilson crew that hangs on the East Coast is coming into Charlotte tonight and Stephen and I look forward to hanging with him. He is a real super brother and i am so thankful to be such good friends in these older years.I toured one of the hospitals maternity wards today to begin to learn (and chose) where we will deliver. I almost threw up with some of the terminology the lady was using, and i wholeheartedly don't think i am going to deliver a child, but good things to learn. I think i will go to Presbyterian Hospital, our family has a lot of history there.  

the doppler

i love seeing the little doppler machine and knowing that we are about to search for the heartbeat. a few days before each visit, i start getting wiry and nervous and just hope like heck for a strong heartbeat. today was the 16 wk. checkup and Sprout's heartbeat was 156 and I was blissfully at peace. i am starting to fall in love with this little avocado. (that's the size now apparently). it's been a fantastic week. we celebrated Stephen's 30th birthday in Telluride, CO. It was dreamy there. the mountains were breath-taking, literally. all that snow, was so so beautiful. Jaz and Jon met us out there for a little skiing and nerts, way to go Pitsters! Then we returned to Charlotte and went to Dish with some wonderful friends here, and it was a really cool opportunity to jointly share with Stephen the things we are grateful for and appreciate about his life. It was a very encouraging to see the graciousness from family and friends in celebrating who God has uniquely created him to be. I loved it.  

Tarheel Born

Wow am i already a proud parent? Sprout attended his/her first Carolina game yesterday. And it wasn't just any game. Sprout heard the fantastic fight song and loud cheers of the TAR... HEEELS throughout Bobcat Arena for the ACC Championship game. And they won. Many years will pass until Sprout can attend such a momentus game again. My girlfriend, Janet, kindly took us to the ballgame and we will owe her for sometime. It was such a wonderful experience I thought i would cry (that could be the hormones as well) BUT anywho.  WAY TO GO TAR HEELS! His/her grandfather Wilson, Ba, is beside himself for the tiniest of tarheel fans!   I am so pumped for March Madness!   

starting over

here we are again. i always said i wouldn't do another blog. in some ways i just feel silly. and then i realized how valuable the opportunity to write and to focus and to share felt. so silly as it may be, it is also therapuetic, so i'll try again. there is so little i feel i need to share about the pregnancy journey compared to adoption b/c i know so little compared to the masses, so we'll just share life as a whole here. or our experience anyway.Sprout is the size of a lemon now. I can see that now. Sometimes its cute and sometimes it just looks like a fat roll. with my waist dissapearing right before my eyes, i feel like i want to wear a sign that reads, "for 9 nine months, can you give me a break". we are pretty fascinated that this little 3 inch baby can do so many things already. it can even frown which i hope is not the case right now, but it has reflexes, hands, legs, feet, a developing nervous system, a strong heartbeat . God's creation is pretty amazing, we should be this fascinated more often.  it looks dark out but i need to rally and walk Gucci. Poor girl has really been slighted on getting a portion of our energy.  So here we go again, on our new journey, thanks for being a part.