holding up these bones

you dash through the door with wide eyes and arms as you search for me. its the end of a long day. in some way your defenses are down you are choice-less but to show the exact feeling you have at that moment which is "mom, i am so glad to be with you". you stay brave and adapt as long as you can in these days.  we hug big because i too am ready for your face and eager for moments with you. 

by the time i am laying beside you after prayers i think to myself all that was in the day. it was actually grueling all i required my body to hold that day. i wonder what all you are holding on that frame too. Then you perk up and say, "Excuse me, God, can i please have dreams of rainbows, sugar and beaches?  And please no grizzly bears".  Amen.  And a few seconds later you turn to me and say, "Mom, why is God not a girl?" And I just smile, big, and we talk a little more. Good questions.  And beautiful wishes.  I love to know how your mind wonders in moments of stillness.

I want to be more like that at the day's end rather than thinking through the monsters i fought off today as i face more defeat, confusion, and a sense of perpetual lost and found.  when do we lose our childlike wonder and when is it exactly that the weight lands on our bodies so much that beds are usually more places for collapse than rest. And i end the day feeling sure that these bodies hold so much in a days time. the way we navigate from play and joy to loss and defeat back to house chores and dinner routines back to sprinkles of connection and belonging to then confusion and longing. oh, in a days time, this frame holds it all. 

i wake today knowing this body needs kindness, gentleness, self control, and compassion. i hope i too can see in those around me and be generous as i reflect all that may be asked of their body that day.  Then I think, "Excuse me, God, can i please have a day of sunshine, coffee, and kudos?" 

"...you have set my feet in a spacious place."  Psalm 31:8

a return to reflect

the peonies are blooming there full and soft openness from the kitchen table, inviting me to beauty with the sun resting on the petals. i am out of practice to rest and reflect beside them. i have this odd feeling like i am sitting beside myself saying, spend time with me, slow down. i sped up to a level that once used to be what drove me and excited me but now that speed takes too much from me. so this morning, i pour the coffee, i find a book of poetry and the bible and I make space. and immediately i want nothing else to do all day but to sit here with these keys, books and coffee.

there are a lot of good things to report actually. i do not feel swallowed whole by circumstantial trial, although we are still in the thick of many many transitions and unknowns, they no longer carry the same weight they once did. one day at a time to my body and heart. and for today, the sun is out, the coffee hot, my precious 5 year old is in her last few weeks of preschool, Stephen is on a break between his contract and his full time job beginning, i am in the throws of a end of fiscal campaign at work.

So, start with the little one, i cannot speak without wanting to glow when I think of Hannah right now. She has changed so much this year and I love doing life with her. She remains curious, observant, she loves to laugh and has developed quite a good sense of humor, her sass needs some channelling but i am not one to feel upset with a little feistiness here and there. she has connected so much more with her own longings this year and seems to both love lots and lots of activities and people and prays nightly for siblings and bunk beds, while also seems to be at ease for family hikes and afternoon rest. She is taking her first gymnastics class as well as swimming and seems to love both. She is fun, kind, thoughtful and determined.

to me, Stephen gets more handsome everyday. i feel fairly sure its because my respect for him has grown so much as I have watched him in the last two years. In a season that i thought might kill us he has actually come back to life. he surprises me with some of his initiative, generosity, discipline and perseverance. i appreciate on a whole new level doing life with him. Right as he was due to finish his contract with Eddie Bauer and we were unsure what was next, they offered him a good job. He accepted. It feels crazy to think that he is a real full time employee again, and to reflect that while it seemed to happen incrementally and in month by month sections, God has provided for us all along the way. Great is thy faithfulness. I think more than anything i have also grown in my awareness that Stephen sees me and in that he does not tire to pursue me. Sometimes its hard to accept, but on the whole I am so moved by his care of me.

the time is dwindling as i reflect here and i knew it would happen like this. i don't know how to get to the guts right now and part of life in the exterior right now means im not exactly sure what all is going on for me. i am in an in-between place with a few battles. it is hard to take in how much my relationship with my mom, and really even my dad, has changed over the last year as we have grievously walked in life with stage 4 cancer. we are in a place right now that feels hopeful and a place of good news and part of my body and mind don't know how to sit in this in between. We are not what we all used to be and yet we are also not all lost and changed and we have no idea how long this flat surface will last. (and i have more to say and process but i have to get up and in the shower and off to the bus and off to work, shoot, so tbc.....)

Gladness Week

As i indulge myself into this remarkable book, Simplicity Parenting, I find myself grabbing my phone to take a picture of the page to tweet and text and maybe even post to Facebook. All the while watching Hannah at gymnastics lessons and incessantly checking my work email because I am at the end of a big fundraising campaign at work.  It was such great irony that i laughed out loud at myself.  Because the book, which is SO enlightening so far i can't handle it, talks about how WE, the PARENTS, are the architects of our families daily lives. It goes on to talk about how no matter the mayhem or technology that exist, we are the ones that show our kids what ultimately matters in life by what we show them day in and day out - by our family rhythms. OH MY WORD. So whilst reading about how idiotic multitasking basically is, i was doing the above...HA. Genius.  Fine, i get your point author Payne. 

Anywho, in other news, this week is well, a roller coaster.  Especially since i have recently returned from Disney, i cannot find a better word to describe the feeling of losing your stomach, going through darkness, the bottom dropping out, then a super fun fast curve, then you suddenly have your hands in the air and your laughing, then you are seeing stars, you begin to wonder if it ever ends while chugging slowly uphill, and then whoa, tummy gone again, all to be jolted safely at home. Yep, that about sums this week. 

i guess some of us were built for roller coasters. the wilson crew sure got selected out of the bunch, we are some freakin A+ riders. And its getting so oddly normal that by Friday night as I am now, you're kind of like, dang, i'm tired, what a week.  Blocking out that you ran your first large fundraising campaign, the docs couldn't find your sister's baby's heartbeat, you let your nanny go, your husband had two interviews and one job offer, your mom had her 6th MRI and a reading (that was actually fantastic), started her 7th round of chemotherapy, and well your hormones are out of wack for reasons unnecessary to type out. All in a week's time, no sweat. I MEAN mania, despair, GLADNESS, fear, insecurity, loss, ANXIETY, hope... all in a coupla days. For the love, no wonder i am mixing my stress tea with a side of champagne. 

Oh people, this life is not for the faint of heart. Neither is to be passed by without naming the parts. This week the parts included the above but it also included: Creations generosity in sunlight - 5 days in a row of sun in Seattle and temps in the 70's; the chance to sit in on a writing workshop with David James Duncan for a few hours; provision of fresh nourishing healthily food each day to care for a weary body (along with good coffee, let's be honest), courage to initiate a first meeting with a group of women to be my friends, mornings with a sun alarm, a kind face beside me and a God calling me to time together in the still hours, expressions from a 5 year old of that communicate delight and wanting to pass time with me, friends & family 3000 miles away that feel seated right next to me when i beg for partnership in more prayer, a man i think is handsome that loves to date me, a great run with a neighbor, and truly i could go on. These too are in the last five days. They are sustenance and refreshment for my soul.  

As I reflect at the week's close, i remember the ride, i am a "titch" (as hannah would say for a little) weary, and I have much to be grateful for today.  Actually at the end, this was a week of gladness. i felt SO sloppy-happy hands-raising glad to hear that my precious mother's tumor was smaller than the visit three months ago.  I exhaled a long breath of relief when i heard my niece/nephew to-be was okay.  I am giddy proud of my husband's integrity and grit to receive the offer he did after 20 months of waiting (not that we know what we are going to do, but more later on that, the point here is an honoring offer). And i am so glad amidst all the multitasking, hustle bustle techno mania, that my dear lovely daughter grins wildly to know we get more time together. YES YES, this turns out to be gladness week. 

Holy Saturday

"How frail is humanity! How short is life, how full of trouble!" (Job 14:1) 

"Be my rock of protection, a fortress where I will be safe.  For the honor of your name, lead me out of this danger." (Psalms 31)

"You won't spend the rest of your lives chasing your own desires but you will be anxious to do the will of God.  Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins." (1 Peter 4: 2, 8)

Oddly in a city with much gray I awoke this morning in the very early hours to bright bright light streaming in through all the windows.  Outside my window I see the buds of a tree that has been bare turning green and slowly sprouting.  In the past two days I have seen the most vivid rainbow of my life, a bald eagle, 4 baby ducklings and tulips everywhere. I am finding it so interesting how nature is revealing God to me this Lenten season. How I am aware of the shedding of winter for the new growth of Spring as I am also asking God, where are you, what's next.... when... how?

Holy Saturday, the in between the light and the dark, the silence, the grief, the mourning, the confusion, the unknown, this day makes more sense to me than ever before.  Or if i am honest, I have probably not ever spent much time thinking about this day.  I have allowed the darkness and the harshness of Good Friday to break my heart and unload my full stock of sin.  And I have rushed into Easter day, clapped and danced and worn pastel dresses to heartily celebrate and contemplate what a risen God means to me. What victory over death means about God. But never have I wanted to give much time to the despair of Saturday.  

The crushing, humiliating, confusing loss of Jesus on the cross. He shared all he could with those he loved. He proved all He had to for the unbelief to invite relationship into trusting God. And when His work was done, He returned to the side of His Father.  But not after this final act of power, might, victory.  What do I do thinking about my frailty on the day in between? When I have watched the Jesus I love be beaten and ridiculed and now He is gone. What am I holding onto that He gave me? What did He promise? What did I see? What do I know to be true of his nature? What do I believe? And then, SO What does that mean for my life?

Some days feel like our life is like Holy Saturday. In a holding pattern. Grieving what is not. Mourning all the ways we thought things were supposed to go. Wishing for comfort. Wishing for nearness. Confused about purpose. Never understanding timing. Lamenting. Begging for protection.  

And everything in me wants to move right past that onto joy, restoration, victory.  But for today, I'll try to ask, what do you have for me to consider today? And the many days that feel like this - of silence, of no answers or answers unfathomable. Of darkness of a closed tomb. How do I still with so much expectation? As you were eager to return to your father, shall I be too, eager to be at your right sight, in heaven and on Earth?

Hold Now

What again to do with this one precious life?

I roll over disoriented in the big bed where I am alone and there is a simple drumming sound that is my alarm. I locate myself and realize today is leaving day. First my heart leaps at the image of hugging Hannah and Stephen by midday and the other half of my body feels the weight of unprocessed lectures, interactions and events of the last few days.  It’s the last day of the certificate program in Chicago, well actually calling it Chicago is unfair. We are in Rosemont which is basically the airport, so I didn't want to glam up my travel too much. 

And now I sit on the plane after leisurely reading all the pages I wanted to out of the Wall Street Journal and relishing this gift of four hours on a plane where no one in the world needs me. I have things I could and should be doing of course, but I am trying to tame my hyper active responsibility gene in order to also dote on my ever growing need for space to write and think. 

One session is on my mind from the last few days that brought up questions that I want to know the answer to.  Answers may morph or be incomplete at this time, but I want to give them time.  What dreams do I have for influencing the world? What does leaning into hope and risk look like? Influence I hope to bear? What am I supposed to be faithful with and hold?

When I think about what I am supposed to be faithful with and hold I find myself thinking very literally as well as the embodiment and ownership of that which I have been characteristically given to share. Faces rise up quickly in the hold category – Stephen, Hannah, Mom, Dad, Amy, Bryan – my people of which I had no choice to be related to but was God designated to be my people to share my blood and my name and a gene pool.  These are my people that because I didn't have choice in selecting (well except Stephen of course) I feel all the more called to remembering and reviving relationships with them.  To be faithful to this group of people at this point feels like the choice to not sleepwalk in relationship.  To not overassume, underask, to rely so heavily on the gene pool connection that I forget to see them and pursue them.  These are my people where if I stand any chance of an influence, they are prime recipients. 

So gently, I tell myself, this is a crew worth holding and its never too late.  Our crew loves each other for sure but as we stare grief and fear and change in the face, I realize all the things left unsaid.  I realize all ground we wont move on and how much courage it takes to behave differently in your own brood without causing high levels of suspicion.  And today as I ponder holding and faithfulness in the context of mom’s cancer, I hear a soft, hold now, don’t wait. 

A few weeks ago I responded to Stephen in a new way on one familiar issue.  It was hard. Not because the words came out of my mouth were hard to say or didn't represent the truth of my heart but that responding differently to something with your spouse is hard. And it was hard beautiful.  It was words I wish I had 9 years ago. It was words I wish I meant 2 years ago. And then they were real in my soul and in mind and I had this clear moment where I knew I could choose to respond like old Ashley or I could actually share this gentleness and grace that was birthed up in me for that conversation.  Someday I’ll share the whole story but my point here is he is my person to be faithful to and part of faithfulness to him was this growing commitment to love which includes a commitment to growth.  Not a faithfulness only in steadfastness which I tend to have in spades but in a commitment to him, his person, to seeing him and caring for him.  Oh heavens, im gonna cry on the plane again. 

Because as I write something is occurring to me that influence I hope to bear is in line with all this other glory business God has been teaching me this year. It’s not influence to bloat my grandeur and special gifts but this hearty guttural influence that reveals more about the LIVE God and Spirit in my life.  It is that influence I hope to bear in this particular case with my people is that I hope to be willing to change. On their behalf and for their behalf because they were given to me by God and for His glory.  Its so complicated and so straight forward. I am also given to them.  TO influence. And boy do I want that influence not to be aspirational cloud-filled wishes but moments stockpiled in memories of change – of gentleness and grace, of availability. 

Thank you Jesus for meeting me at 30000 feet. For connecting dots in my head about the way it all works together for your Glory, not mine or theirs but oh so that we could be so privileged to be living closer in line with the faithfulness of what you have given us and that we would hold so thoughtfully and steadfastly that which you have given us.  I only made it through one half of one question but it has been a lovely space in time. 

Let It Go... Wait... No, Don’t.

I asked my mom on so many occasions, “what’s the point in discovering the past? Why bother looking back? Why try to remember what you have forgotten? Look forward, if things are okay, they are okay, don’t create problems.” Truly, for years, I asked these questions. Aggravated at the way it seemed other’s pursuit to reconcile the past in any way was reeking havoc for my present. Me, and Elsa (idina menzel) singing our anthem.. Let it Go, Let it Go…

Enter The Seattle School. Enter Richard Dalhstrom. And for the love, enter Dan Allender. And here I am in the thick of a wrestling match I thought I had no time or desire to be near. Right at the front door, still about 90% sure I don’t want to go in, but I am beginning to understand the potential return on investment of entering.

My first paradigm shift – "Our past is the only thing we actually can change" says Dan (what? NO.) Because we can take moments of harm, beauty, goodness, grief and begin to allow them to be written into the story the way that God has intended for us.  These memories do not  consume us or have victory over us. Instead, they can be redeemed, lamented, celebrated in a way that honors the journey we have been given and strengthens us to rise up for the future. In a way that stares them in the face and breaks agreement with any evil we are still siding with in our story and realigning with the victorious and thoughtful God. Damnit Dan.

As you know from past entries, I am also hearing very frequently that I must LET IT GO in order to GET ON.  Let go of all my best laid plans and expectations of how the world will turn and what life with Christ looks like. In order to GET ON with the life God has written for me and invited me into.  That this life is far more about the means than the ends.

These things are together and separate. Don’t let go of the past, enter in, more deeply and wide open than I have been willing to look IN ORDER to do whatever needs to be done to MOVE into the depth of connection available to me in relationship with Christ as I reconcile the debris of years I was hoping to keep out of my memory. AND at the same time, LET GO of what I thought this life would be like. Again, IN ORDER to sit more fully with my God and to trust and walk with Him with the steps He will offer me.

The courage, the risk, the armor needed feel too sizable for this frame to hold. And yet, I sense this movement of my soul, body and mind is also accompanied with kindness. Kindness for myself. I picture less pushing and more alongside walking with some pointing here and there, and that grace and presence are sure railings.

Also, the Spirit. I’ll need the Holy Spirit to guide and hold me, to regulate and pace me. And I know for myself that to even know this voice, I also must declutter the intake.  I long to hear, I know that. And I know the love that I have with noise as well. So may again I be gentle with myself to allow the delight of noise to also be matched with a new ushering of availability.

So my friends, I’m changing my questions and my anthem. I will not let it go, I will ask where to look. I will let it go and attune my ears to learn your voice for direction.

Tell me if you want to join such madness. Peace be with you. 

unexpected trigger

I am willing away the pain today and it is not working. I am thinking of you flying in next week and wondering if this is the last time you will fly out here. I see you waving to me from the pick up area with the suitcases and bags I can also picture so well as they have traveled a million miles it seems. you and dad are such travelers.   

Hannah spent most of the night tonight with her head on my shoulder and it triggered me. your shoulder has been a mountain of comfort all my life. all the times I leaned in, you never moved away, you always leaned in too. you allowed me to rest there and made it known to me i was wanted anytime, but you also always made space for my feisty independent spirit. 

I cannot move into a season to comprehend lasts. I don't want any of them to begin. It isn't like any of us ever really know but the space in between hope and forecast springs me into this season I do not want to approach. i want no lasts with you. my favorite way you signed off in our letters is FOREVER, mom and my body is begging, let it be forever, please God. 

I find myself not calling you at times i would, almost like I am protecting myself ahead of time for all the times I may not be able to - well of course, screw that, i should call you 5 times a day now. To have more memories of your voice and to remind myself of all the things you would say to me. I called you for a soup recipe the other day because I was dying to talk about something inconsequential, i miss that. 

I am bracing. I am beyond excited to have you come next week, and also I am bracing. I am telling myself not to photograph every single moment. i am telling myself I will pick you up from the airport again someday. I am telling myself Hannah will have a million more slumber parties with SuSu. That she will have those shoulders to lean into when she is 15 and needs a safe place.  and yet I cannot catch my breath. 

i miss you tonight. and already, always, for her, for all the things she won't get to hear you say, i miss you. 

“Love is what carries you, for it is always there, even in the dark, or most in the dark, but shining out at times like gold stitches in a piece of embroidery. ” 
― Wendell Berry, Hannah Coulter

Breathing more than a little

“Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields...Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness.” Mary Oliver

"Listen--are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?” Mary Oliver

i have a new love and it is Mary Oliver. When i was younger I always read poetry and spent years that followed writing the quirkiest and often the darkest of poems.  It was the way i found I could share dark or sad without anyone knowing exactly what I was saying in a world where I thought growing up Christian meant happy. Not that there wasn't great joy to share as well, but I do believe we lacked the space to explore the other. 

Anywho, for my birthday I believe i will give myself some Mary Oliver and Wendell Berry and remind myself of rich imagery and poetry that i love. From the above quotes, I feel closest today to the... are you just breathing just a little, and calling it a life? how insightful and hopeful to desire deep long breaths and big full life. each day. this is my song for the year. living now, in the midst, with whatever may be. and truthfully it has felt rich. 

we have been exploring each weekend since the new year. taking hikes, walks, lingering at the coffee shops, and trying new recipes for the first time in a long time. this morning Hannah woke me as she nudged her way into the covers and her busy mind exploded into words right away..." momma, you see sonya this and haling this and this is kinda of sassy and makes me annoyed...etc. etc."  And she began to use her hands as she became more emphatic about what she was saying and in my effort to repeat ideas to her of kindness, slowness to speak, second chances, she tells me again, mom, i already know all that. And i laugh inside and realize that this time is just a beautiful moment where she wants to share. and be heard or known. we are having like girl talk. and i think i've died and gone to heaven. minus the fact that I don't have all the right things to say about secrets and sassy friends, i am so thrilled to be invited into her busy mind. and i thank God I stayed in bed extra minutes. 

its all the little things like that these days that i find richness. the times when i read by the fire instead of turning on the tv, or take 20 minutes away from my phone, listen five minutes longer about Stephen's day, or make sure that dinner is set with pretty plates and that we enjoy what we are gifted to taste in front of us and serve juice in a champagne glass (Hannah thought that was splendid, and why not?).  it is the day I let myself feel the sun on my face even in 30 degrees because for peet sake its Seattle and the sun is out.  its not just breathing, its being in the breath. 

thank you Mary Oliver for your words, your reminders and your inspiration. 

Edit or Rewind

We are 25 days into 2014 and typically this is a time when half the world may begin some sort of shame pile on for whatever resolution they may have picked that is starting to loose its momentum.  I wish each person could feel proud of 25 days of victory instead.  We are so dang hard on ourselves.  I am so hard on my people.  Sometimes within seconds of how I reacted to spilled drink or broken lamps or stained anything or towed cars or no exercise, I catch myself too late of responding my instafeel which is more along the lines of dernit to heck i told you to use to hands or tell me how that happened to these things are no big deal. And I want to take it back instantly; my face of shock that everyone isn't perfect, but the mule half of me kicks in and doesn't always rewind on my initial call. And I should.  Even if that would make my people think I was a bit split personality, fine, then together we would see we spend so much of life on that very fine line of how we know we want to be and how we turn out to be on all the tired run down unprocessed days.  oh my people, thank you for all the faces you offer to me of mercy for my unedited harshness. Thank you for all the times we make it all the way to the other side.  Forgive me if I hope your memory is jaded only to the good reactions.  Inside, I'm working on it. 

Live Now Ashley