know the way there

Hannah Beth, Hannah Mia's BFF, came over Wednesday night on our last night in our house. Her mom, Melissa, had explained to her that we were moving and she had the dearest two responses that have replayed in my mind - "But why is she leaving me I love her so much?" and my fav, "Do we know the way there momma?" and with all the dearness that Melissa always has she signed her going away card to me... we know the way there. and maybe the exhale i have been holding in for so long came out. the words told me, it's okay, go on. 

I have been thinking about how to remember and share this adventure back to the wild wild west with the many I love near and far. I have also been thinking of how much I need more regular processing for my own growth as well as I really want Hannah to have the story of her first big move. Oh, and, I am hopefully expectant of God in big ways for how and what this journey will include so I want to share with others so together we can be reminded of His provisions. So I am attempting the First 50 where I will write for our first 50 days of adventure. I'll start officially next Wednesday which will be day 1 in Seattle. 

one of the other beautiful gifts I received on our final packing day was a beautiful handkerchief from Jennifer Coggins, a incredible woman who lives in my neighborhood and has also been in my small group, aka Ruthies, for the last year. Her message to me was for the hanky to serve as a reminder of the hard work many of us have done in the last year of journeying together and a reminder that this too... this move.. is God's provision. So on the days it feels like it reeks, and the tears flow, that when i reach for the hanky it can remind me of good journey, process and provision and even more of the unbelievable women who shared life with me in the last years. I love it. 

i have so many pics i want to share of the last days and parties, etc. but i haven't had a chance to download them because I don't really have my own computer right now. so pics on this are a few from my phone to recap some great times in the last month. and for now i'll sign off from St. Louis where we are spending Easter with the Porters (PH's sis fam) on our way out to Seattle. i can already tell it's the perfect stop for a worn out souls if for no other reason that hearing the nonstop sound of laughter from Hannah with her cousins. its healing. 

1902 Wilmore Drive

in my head i am singing... Goodnight Sweetheart, well it's time to go... I really hate to leave you but I really must say Goodnight sweetheart well goodnight...  I am singing to my house. i don't want to go to bed for the last time here.

i remember the first day stephen and I walked through this house when it was completely gutted, not many walls and messy floors, just a beat up place. and we loved it. we wanted to move to this little Wilmore neighborhood because it was close to uptown and we had friends we really liked here. Our church was also very close by and we just felt it was an up and coming neighborhood. while the restaurants and boutiques never moved in, i think the recession slowed down a lot of potential, many many beautiful families did come in to our lives. on our little street wilmore is the Kings and the Baysdens. you can't have better neighbors. On Wooddale is the Strahls, Landry's, and Mullens. On Mint is the Cookes and the Millers. On Merriman was the Murrays. On Park was the Hopkins, Whitby's and Coggins. All these really incredible families within walking distance of this corner abode. I learned a lot about community on these streets.

But mostly for me, this was Stephen and I's first home purchase. the biggest thing we have ever (and STILL) own. I love every room here and the memories are really really good. there were imperfections along the way both in decor and in conversation but this home was always a place of rest and joy for me. Great Sunday Panther game viewing and naps, our first garden, endless recipes tested in our orange kitchen and a dining room that hosted some of the loveliest guests I could ever ask for and conversations that challenged and delighted me. I loved the Christmas lights that stayed up year round out back on the patio Stephen built, i loved the french doors, i loved the double shower heads in our chocolate and blue bathroom, i love the thought of bringing Hannah home for the first time and remembering sleepy walks down the hall as I responded to her cries, the color coded books on the bookshelves that Stephen and his dad built... i could go on and on.

this little house, well, i loved it. despite the ambulance sounds, litter in my yard, and loud bass heard on a daily basis, this was our little place. i really don't want to turn the lights out tonight.

T minus 10

breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.

as hard as it is to say that out loud (the T-10 part), this week has started off so brightly. i will make no assumptions of why because no thought lasts long enough in my head to draw big conclusions, but i feel happy today. and i thank God for it.

last week was my last week of work at UNC Charlotte and the Chancellor and my boss, the Vice Chancellor of University Advancement, threw a going away party for me. And it was one of the best nights i can remember in a long time. as i reflected in order to make my remarks that evening, i got this great sense that God had me there for just the right amount of time... not that i couldn't have stayed longer... but that i hung in there long enough. Just that the time with two polar opposite bosses and employees, i learned so very much about myself and about being a strong leader in the workplace. mistakes were made and days were rough, but there were also SO many great days and great work that i got to do and create as the first ever UNC Charlotte Director of Community Affairs. There are programs we created that i will always be proud of and truly enjoyed learning about and through.  and i learned so much about myself that was gritty and stunning all at the same time in a way that made me feel i could really receive that party and enjoy it. my heart was blessed by the presence of colleagues, friends and family there and by what was shared about me. stephen taped it and i really hope someday its transferable so Hannah could really be proud too.

so quick logistics update: our renters were approved today, assuming all goes well with signing leases, etc... we have renters, phew.. PTL.. (even though i choked up the second i met them and thought of them in my house). we may have also found a little one bedroom in Queen Anne to stay for the first month while we hopefully find a house to rent. we are really praying for a house to live in that is in a great neighborhood... join us. (: we are packing and making last doctor visits, etc. this week as well as it's Hannah's last week at her preschool. All these "lasts" things have me less emotional than i expected and I don't know if that is denial or exhaustion but i am asking God for a gracious acceptance of this change as bountiful as the provision has been here that He has us moving on. So next Thursday, this precious house will be all packed up by the movers and on Saturday morning the 7th we'll be leaving Charlotte.

peace for the day, thank you Lord. (btw, sorry i have no pics recently, i don't have a computer or ipad or any special gadgets anymore.. ): so i gotta refind my photo albums.

timely help

i wake aware, heavy, full, and needy. its so interesting that this season of mass transition is also lenten, the season of anticipation and hope for God. the season to contemplate sacrfice of the utmost and life to the fullest. If i don't have faith at this point that i am a state of lost that i don't know how to cope with. i need you Jesus, i need you risen, miraculous Son of Man. i get this sense that if i spend time considering your stories about your life and the way you loved and provided for your people that I could get out of my head.

"Let us boldly approach the throne of our gracious God, where we may recieve mercy and his grace to find timely help." Hebrew 4:16

Okay, so chosing to believe I try to consider this next week with hope. hope for what we will accomplish each day to prepare our family and house for the move. hope that ending my career at UNC Charlotte and in Charlotte will happen with joy, hope that i can finish well. hope that a place will be there for us in Seattle and hope that this home i love so much will have not just renters but good renters who will care for our little house. hope for Hannah's heart to be protected as she witnesses chaos and sadness over the next few weeks. hope for friends like hannah beth and smith in her life in Seattle. hope for baby auggie.

im scared, tired and sad but i believe God can give me comfort i need to enter these last three weeks with more peace and energy, that i can face these days expectantly with patience, gentleness and love. it's a lot, i know, but i boldly approach for this timely help.

Untitled

it is day 4 of single parenting and everyone is still alive and even quite functional. this only comes as a huge surprise seeing how I BARELY made it through Friday. My dear friend Kim can attest to it, i looked at my mini person SO many times on Friday and wondered what on earth i was supposed to do with her. whether is was her throwing an object at someone, yelling "NO!" in my face, taking 20 minutes to do a simple task like putting socks and shoes on, or slamming doors, i seriously wondered if someone had delievered an alien to my house. oh, and then the fact that she, my otherwise potty trained child, REFUSES to poop in the potty even when she is in immense amount of pain. it's awful and obviously signals some screw up on our part and led to a Friday night dinner debacle where we were packing up dinner at friends 5 minutes into the dinner because she kept crying that she needed to go and even with the dearest peer pressure refused to go without a pull-up. we were rescued by finding a single stranded diaper that she instantly went in and i can't finish the story because she'll kill me when she can read but let's just say that there was enough wine in the house to calm my nerves.

the thing is, i literally didn't know what to do over and over, and kept thinking. oh my goodness, is this my new life? oh no, oh no. i know how to manage the stress of crazed mornings and long days of highly stressful work and moments of totally asinine work situations, i can do that stress, but this one... oh no oh no.

a few days and a hundred more moments of bewilderment overlapped with some absolutely perfect grins, beautiful laughs, and a few "this is so fun momma" and i end the weekend with more energy that i started it with and a real tenderness about what lies ahead. i am absolutely petrified for one, and i really really may not be cut out for this (stephen actually ran a heck of a household), but i am also dumbfounded at how deeply i can love someone that i wanted to give away on Friday night. and i am aware of how much i have to learn.

with the grace that i can always expect from Kim, she treated my lostness lovelingly and it gave me the strength for the weekend. we ended the night with a bag full of prizes from my friend Janet and dinner out that perfectly sustained us and i think she actually went to sleep without calling me 200X after the first good night.

so really, its tenderness all around tonight as i think of my time with Hannah Mia over the last few days and what is ahead for us, as well as i think of tiny moments with words or not with friends like Kim and Janet that feel entirely irreplaceable and my heart kicks in a notch that i hope this depth of goodness can hold me over and continue to strengthen me.

calm has left the building

remember how i mentioned how slowly my brain and heart connect. well my brain finally absorbed the words I keep saying outloudly so calmly... things like, yeah, we are moving across country, yeah, its gonna be great, you know it's my husband's turn and this will be a fabulous opportunity, right, we can't sell so we are going to rent our house, and yeah, my husband is driving across country to find us somewhere to live, my last day is the end of march. what will i do in seattle... um, yeah, i have no idea but i'll take any connections. yeah, hannah is totally resileint, she'll be fine... it'll just be a wee bit of an adjustment to leave her SuSu and Ba, and the little girl she has basically be with since she was 11 weeks old, yeah, she'll bounce back, well make new friends with the spare energy. yeah, airplanes apparently don't fly boxers across country, so we'll figure something out with Guch. Yeah, i promise we can meet again before i leave the University, i'll make sure the pass off is smooth, i'll get the layout of projects for you so it will make for easy transition, sure i can help think with you on best candidates to take the board seats i serve on, no problem, yeah the cost estimate for the move is only $5K OVER what we thought, ha ha... Okay you get the point. all these things keep coming out of my mouth, and finally my brain caught up enough to process... PURPLE COW! this is one big damn deal. wow. did we mean to do this?

everytime i am with one of the beautiful young children in our life i want to hold them longer and tighter. i want to know them when they keep growing up. i don't want to be out of their lives or them out of Hannah's.

if i have an ounce of energy i want to find anyone who will have a glass of wine with me because i don't want a moment to spare without lots of last memories. i am not missing a class at the gym because i have my favorite bootcamp and yoga teachers. and my colleagues are bascially running a straw poll of when i will start to care less on projects with the time starting two weeks after i leave instead of before... ha ha.

so, i hit it. i hit the point where i am desperately aware of my limits. frightenigly concious of how long i go before i attempt to reconnect to my foundation of hope, joy, peace and allow my strength to come from truth not illusion. so, true, calm has left the building, it is on now at this house, but also true, God has always been faithful to us, to provide the people and resources we need, and actually even more, our portion has always been generous. okay, brain, we can do this. (ps. a slower pace of mayhem would still not be objected)

taking it all in... and heading west

hi self. i barely recognize you. is your head attached to your body?

hahahaha. no but really. quite literally i am not sure i have had a more FULL 15 days that i can remember. short recap and then some heart because i must check in. our nanny leaves, patrick's memorial service, wilson-roberts baby auggie diagnosis, PH recieves offer... accepts, Osters are moving 3000 miles back across country, last grub club at our house, ashley resigns to boss #1 and boss #2, ash celebrates 34th birthday. yeah, i think the last two weeks on the short.

so what's really going on... my vocabulary is not yet developed there but i will attempt to start processing. i cannot resist saying because half this blog was supposed to be about helping me remember Hannah's growth that she has been so lovely, resiliant, tender, curious and stubborn child in all of this. she is so growing up and if ever i indulged the opportunity to stay home with her, this is exactly when i would pick. last week again after two 12 hour work days of seeing her very little, i sneak in her room and see her curled up but long body on the far corner of her bed, her hair was sweaty on her head and i touched her back and she mostly unconciously turned over and gave me this huge sleepy grin and fell immediately back asleep. i scratched her back and stared at her face that looked so much older to me, she looked very much like a little girl not a toddler and i wanted to stay there and stare all night. i think about her future less than i should  and i am not even sure i know what any of the charts would say for what she should be learning or doing or growing but i am in total awe of her and am both fearful and excited for this looming gift of more time together.

so, our impending move, i feel i need to say this to myself 1000 times a day to TRULY allow it to sink into my heart, that yes, we are moving back to the west coast. and no it's not to Vancouver or Portland where we actually have a relationship, it's in between -  to Seattle. First things first though, WOW PH, you GO boy. we hoped like hell over the last 9 months that this hope would be worth it, that something humongo and new would be out there for Stephen to pursue (clear disclaimer i felt this would be accomplishable in charlotte or east coast... but alas). He has been diligent and brave and there were no moments that I didn't think he is the bee's knees for any company because of his curiousity, patience, integrity, and creativity, i did however wonder how on earth and when on earth he may land in the spot. I believe in him so wholeheartedly and it has been wonderfully gratifying in the midst of shocking pain to recieve this gift that Teague, his new employer, also clearly believe in him. ahhh, thank you TEAGUE, you smarty pants.

the offer was good and will provide for me too a brand new freedom to be the one to take a few risks. i can stare at Hannah longer and more often. and i can really dig into my heart and wonder how God may use my experience and skills in the world around me. we could begin to move towards adoption. i can take a step to the side in a way that is incredibly freeing and also so totally petrifying. i'll need Stephen in entirely new ways, Hannah will need me in entirely new ways, i'll go back to knowing no one and my years of hard work will not be defining to new people i meet in seattle. okay, i gotta stop there. more processing than i can do in one sitting.

so here are the deets for those of you wondering - PH starts on April 16th, we will move in early April, i have given my resignation and will have a last day sometime towards the end of March (all to be finalized in the next few days). we are taking all connections to seattle and knowledge of seattle neighborhoods into consideration, everything will be new to us. PH will fly out sometime in early March to hopefully land us a place to rent and so very hopefully we'll find renters for our house in Charlotte.

i hope it is 34 more years before i repeat the intensity of the last 15 days but i also hope that what i have seen, felt and heard in that time continue to push me to live deeper, fuller and with continuous gratitude.

letters to cecilia kelly

dear cecilia, 

i first met your dad in 1999. we were in the same summer internship in Washington DC. we were both eager to soak in as much as we could although i would quickly learn we pursued knowledge differently. your dad always had the comfort and the curiousity to ask anything. he wanted to know about process and connection, and even more frequently why. as a very action oriented person i first thought this might get on my nerves but i very quickly grew to love what i came to realize was a courageous, passionate man. 

the thing that makes your dad the most famous to me is that during that wonderful hot summer in DC, he invited his college roommate to join us for a concert at the 930 Club to see Vertical Horizon. I can only imagine by the time you are reading this note, they will be so very outdated you won't be able to imagine this group, but we all loved them. his jmu college roomate, stephen oster, caught my eye and really my heart from our very first meeting.  thankfully that was a reciprocal feeling as he is now my husband. so we are both forever indebted to your dad for introducing us. 

the wonderful part about falling in love with his roommate is that it also allowed me the privelge of staying in relationship with patrick. for their senior year in college, i thoroughly enjoyed the opportunity to come in stay in their little basement apartment and learn about their life. they were both very orderly and lived well together, your dad felt things had a place. he ate so healthy and excercised a lot. they were as cute as you could get, and even more so, they were truly trying to figure out what it looked like to be in relationship with God, at college, with the ladies, with their studies, with their familes, and with each other. they fought good and hard to figure out some wrongs and right and try to live as big as possible in the midst of that. i can't remember a thing or question your dad was afraid of, he was willing to ask it all and sought earnestly to live life for the glory of God and to love well. 

we all moved to DC post college and your dad landed quickly and succeeded well in a consulting firm.  he was talented and determined. he and stephen lived togehter until we were married and i remember we wanted to change the rules about height in our groomsman line so your dad could be the second closet man to us after stehen's dad. patrick hoped the right lady would cross his path as well. it wasn't until after stephen and I moved to the west coast that patrick met your mom. we were thrilled to hear about her but never met her until their wedding day. watching them together was really really wonderful and learning more of both families was really a quite lovely picture. i remember their wedding weekend so so welll, it was quaint and full of personality. 

the first time your dad was diagnosed we were out west still and i remembering recieving the news and stephen and i crying and crying and going to see the movie big fish that night and coming out of it and continuing to cry. even the movie suggested that regardless of what is in front that we should live BIG and this was very much one of my favorite things about Patrick. he was never one to settle. he fought hard and we were very relived as he begin to strengthen and recover. he wanted to live big. 

the years went by and we continued to stay in touch as both of us welcomed our first sweet little girls in our lives. a true surprise and privelge is when your dad ended up taking a job here in charlotte where we had moved and we had the most wonderful short lived chance to be in the same city again and to get to know your mom even better. she is marvelous on so many accounts its hard to name, but luckily you already know that. but for stephen and patrick it was really great to re-enter life together and share beers over fires again, this time legally (:, and continue to wrestle together of how to live this life well and honor God in our desicions, marriages, and parenting. 

one of my favorite memories is when you were spending the day with your dad and he as always wanted to get out and about and find activitiy. it was christmastime so he asked us to meet him downtown for the bernstein bears show and then get lunch. after we watched these holiday singing bears, hannah and you began to run around and we looked outside and it had begun snowing. it was so fun and Stephen and your dad were VERY excited for thier girls to experience the feeling of snow on their faces so we went outside and walked over to our lunch spot. 

i could go on and on as you see but tragically the story ended too quickly after they left Charlotte for DC. there were so many more things we wanted to do with your dad, questions we wanted to ask, parenting we wanted to learn together, familiis we wanted to share. he was so very delighted to have you in his life and i can totally imagine how he would have loved to watch you grow and mature. we cannot wait to see the ways that you resemble him as you grow up. there is so much to be proud of about your dad and he is a man that left a big impression on our hearts. we miss him already and grieve that you didn't get more years with him. we commit to praying for you and hope that you, as he did, come to know God in very authentic meaningful ways that offer great joy and love for your life. 

in celebration and memory of your dad, 

ashley wilson oster

unsparkly updates

time is spent in our hearts everyday praying, thinking, and grieving for our precious friends the Kelly's. In some ways the fact that what was such a fast turn of events and decline has slowed a bit helps those who love him to take it slowly and grieve piece by piece. I remember things about him all the time and spend the rest of the time thinking about Juli and Ceci and what their days must be like. i think a lot about Claire, his wonderful mom and how she must be coping watching her son like this. there isn't a day we dont think, WAIT, he wasn't done yet, Patrick has more to give. and more i wish he and stephen could share as friends. some of you have asked and some of you have started following Julie's blog, but the update is that the feeding tube is out, his body has offered another sign it's time to let go and he is beginning to shut down. steadfastly, julie and his family continue coming to the hospice unit at the hospital and offering all they have for each day they have him. they are all quite remarkable to me.

the other tiny update is lots of folks wondering if we have heard back from Teague, and the answer is that PH has had an email exchange or two and one call on Monday afternoon, and now knows that the final desicion will be made next week. in some ways we both feel like this space may be easier than the next because we have ounces of hope and something in front of us, and next week could either mean another closed door which would royally suck or an open door which would scare the daylights out of me for the implications it would have on us. as another weekend approaches and it feels like so little of our life is moving forward, we try to find ways to enjoy the days, not bicker with each other and live out the much smaller moments. it is challenging me to no end. and in light of what i started this email off it is also very sobering to keep thinking about the bigger picture of life which can come in the smaller moments and the way i treated a person even today rather than in the circumstances we so long to be set right. maybe there is nothing wrong at all right now for the work God may have for our days which is beyond us. so hard to think that way. 

seattle times

should i worry at all that most of my pics from our trip are of food? man we love finding great food and with Jon and Jasmine that is sure to happen. an amazing tres peppercorn dry salami and mozzerella sammy, dark chocaloate and almond crossiant, mussells, french savingon blanc (yum!), beet salad, seafood bisqueetc. etc, it was so good. oh and reuniting with the vaughan's was perfectly easy and joyous like there for sure hadn't been 1.5yr in between visits. 

I never realized the extent to which i am a run into things and then figure it out kind of person. i learn best through experience for sure, i did learn that loud and clear from my activator ranking in strengthfinders. so here i am in a space where people are asking me what i am thinking and feeling and well i'm not exactly sure.

the thing that is exactly complimentary (and also sometimes aggravating) is that Stephen for sure is a let's brainstorm aloud, think through everything, look it up, debate it, etc. etc. the beauty there is that i feel sure when we buy a product or make a big move in our life that he has throughouly thought through it. and he knows me so i secretly hope he always hears my voice without neccessarily hearing my voice. 

i'm just a little less processed. i think and feel deeply but i also act often so i feel more comfortable in movement. so, to all the dear dear ones who have asked in the last few days, what do you think of all of this? what do you want to happen... mostly all i know is i want SOMETHING to happen. and i am really proud of PH last week.

as hard as we try this is not our peaceful ryththm, and honestly what i want is my turn to be a little riskier, to chose what work i want to do and maybe even how much, i want to be making a desicion on our family growth or not i want mornings where i can linger with my daughter if i want to. i want a break from being the stable, the health insurance, the whatever. maybe its selfish, half the world probably doesn't get this choice or break, but if i'm honest, its what i want. 

on a much more fun note... i hope very soon to have a post of Hannah attempting Spanish sentences. its fantastic and i have to catch it on camera. in general right now she wants to say so much more than she knows how to put in orderly sentences. its actually totally fabulous because its like her mind is ahead of her mouth or vocabulary so she sometimes just literally babbles or pretends to be saying big things with lots of intonations. she is really quite the little person and our conversations are getting longer and longer, and i love it. she is a trooper through all of this stress. i hope so much for her sake we are near our end of this particular season (not that being with her dad more often isn't AWESOME,) just because she has to know the anxiety in our voices. 

anywho, so i'm ready to run into things, thanks for loving us in between.