contrary to popular belief I am actually enjoying the lack of agenda, routine, and relationship. i know, i'm shocked too. I feel like i am in some recovery program or something. chaos or anxiety recovery where you take a break from a slam packed life and worry to the gills about your unemployed husband, ungrowing family, friends with hardship in their lives, work with deadlines, a kid is acting out, a house that needs attention, family with pain, death and illness, saggy body parts and the homeless man at the corner. and its not that all the aforementioned scenarios have subsided and life has worked out, that is really not how it feels, but it feels like a mini vacation from bearing it all.
it's interesting actually because i realize when i get ready to go to sleep each night that i truly do not feel anxiety for what the next day holds. I think, Hannah and I will figure it out, and there are so few (like no) people to meet and please on any level professionally or community, and of course, i'd rather spend the whole rest of my life in rich community and probably in meaningful work in and outside the home, but this break feels better than i pictured and i feel myself resisting adding anything to this life.
as you have now seen for yourself, this 600 sq.ft. house can clean pretty easily, and with about two spices and herbs in the house and just a few pots and pans, i cook very simply. even getting dressed is pretty easy because i am re-wearing the same month of packed clothes over and over (:. anyway, i am belaboring the point, but somehow unexpectedly I am enjoying this slower, simpler, smaller life for this window of time. i am not out of energy to look my daughter in the face for extended periods of time and play make believe, and i can ask and hear about Stephen's day. and when i write or hear from my dear friends it feels lovely and light, i have capacity and love more accessible.
i have some other big things to begin moving into and thinking about more regularly that i will be diving into v soon, but i just wanted to record this feeling. and to honor for now that i am not in a rush to build more relationships or set up a bunch of routines, that we are truly going day by day in a bit of a recovery kind of way.