Almost four years ago, in the early days of Stephen and I processing news of our infertility, someone gave me a few articles about other infertile couples. the thing is these articles were mostly stories of people who faced infertility after having one child. i was outraged that they could even begin to understand infertility when they already had a kid. how dumb. mad as a hornet (my mom says this and it makes me laugh), i disposed of the article and went forward into much of my infertility journey deciding no one understood it.it’s a lonely beast.
Since Hannah was 8 months old, I have been drafting this letter in my head. I haven’t really known how or wanted to talk about the fact that we would return again to face this. it’s like a curse word, infertility (Big I). I have also learned more than i ever wanted to learn over the last 4 years about that word, not just from my journey but from many many very dear friends, all who have their own very personal and very difficult relationship with Big I. It’s so sensitive and so very close to the core of how we tend to identify ourselves and our life plans that when the uncontrollable Big I shows itself over and over it is maddening.
Which is actually what makes it so hard to talk about because it feels impossible to EVER feel bad for myself again. We are the lucky ones, i know. i know. i never forget. But we also aren’t the ones that have the option to plan a pregnancy or at this point have a pregnancy at all. So, I have to keep being honest with the deep deep longing of our hearts to continue our family, to give Hannah a sibling. and it feels so selfish. just like when i read that article all those years ago, I should be thankful, what can people with a child understand about infertility. huh, now i know. now it suddenly feels a lot less dumb. suddenly i feel the stick, the sunken belly as i honestly re-enter infertility.
so this is my full coming out party i guess. among the many other images we all pre decided for what our life will look like… i don’t picture us raising an only child. Mostly because I cannot fathom not trying to fight for giving Hannah what we had in the bond of siblings. the chance that she might have influence and molding from being a sister. i cannot imagine life without Bryan and Amy. I was so lucky. Likewise, Stephen has learned and continues to learn a great deal as a brother to Anna and Sarah. It’s part of our lifetime shaping. I want this for Hannah. so badly. and i want it for us.
Parenting has been a big life-giver to Stephen and I, our joy truly doubling watching and learning Hannah. I literally cannot imagine the privilege of doubling again with another child. So, we are putting ourselves out there, and God may show us otherwise, but we are hoping for little o again. this time, not from Peru, and at this point it’s looking like it won’t be international adoption at all. but for sure through adoption, my crohn’s treatment sealed the deal on that for us, and I joyfully embrace adoption as the way to grow our family. it isn’t second best. we are just hunkering down mentally for the journey ahead that feels too long already.
So Cheers to hoping for little O… again.