beast is back

today and yesterday and the day before and probably the day before that look too familiar. while we are finding peace in rhythms and life of unknown, i am suddenly disoriented by the mononity of thoughts. there are literally parts of my body that tense up on demand the second i hear "how is the job search going?" it seems we have been finding a job for a million years. i cannot seem to get over the hump this go round. i am no longer feeling myself turn corners and my new year's optimism STILL hasn't kicked in. getting on my nerves.

the thing is i want SO many other conversations to be a part of our life. and oddly enough they too are hard but at least they are different, at least it makes me feel life isn't constantly taking one giant step back.

the one that is beginning to overwhelm me again is infertility. i feel myself folding into myself as this giant takes over my head again. It is the nastiest beast and there are nothing shy of 150 reminders a day that for some reason we cannot have sex and make babies. i actually cannot imagine what that would feel like to fathom that sex could bring babies. thank heavens sex brings so much goodness to our life because otherwise i might resent the whole dang thing.

Last night when Hannah was getting ready for bed she said, as she has now begun to say regularly, "mommy i really want a brother and a sister". the first few times i had insta tears and tried to remember i was the adult and she was sharing her heart's wish. luckily last night i was saved from myself because her next sentence was that she wanted a big sister and a baby brother. i tried on a grin figuring that would be more complicated to work out, but i told her as i do every time, let's ask Jesus about that. we can pray and ask for a brother and a sister. her honest eyes connect to mine and she looks truly downtrodden as she walks the stairs to her room. she wishes there were bunk beds there. but its an empty basement except for her.

i don't get it. raising an only child was no where on my radar. its horribly lonely. for both of us. and it is getting harder and harder for me as i realize how much worse it will get for her. nevermind no small playmates, but no one to go to school with, no one to confide in in high school, no one to lead or follow or get advice from. no one to have on vacations, birthdays or holidays, no future maid of honor to a sister or an aunt to a nephew.

i don't know how to speak honestly of our place both to the majority of people in our lives with larger families as well as to the friends in our life who do not have children.i feel less than to all the families of many and ungrateful to the friends without children. so dear friends can we expand heart space for each other to hope to just know each other in all the fullness of difference? because as many days as i shove off the beast, it isn't truthful to not comment that i don't want my days to be about employment, i want them to be about my new family member. and in some ways this want is growing bigger than i wish. i can't figure out how to balance a pity party and a healthy grieving for how much i struggle to embrace my place.