The 90 degree air moves above us as we dangle our legs from the floats inside the swimming pool. Mateo is halfway across the pool looking back at me with a huge grin. He was so pumped putting on his bathing suit, he kept asking, "you, me? you, me? you go in pool?" I was changing him outside still dripping sweat from attempting another run in this humidity. I couldn't even bother to slide off the running clothes for a bathing suit, so I just took off my socks, shoes and shirt and Mateo and I counted to three and jumped in for refreshment. Well to be honest, I counted to three and Mateo counted to one. Once we were both on our floats I gazed at him realizing how much more face time with play without phones or chores he likely desires. And at the same time I got this sense that I was there with him but not there with him. In real time, it all seemed blurry.
I am not landing. I cannot find footing. And I am mad at myself that my grounding isn't working. And I am frustrated with myself that a choice we knew and we made that does offer goodness can still be this hard. I do not feel the right to be as grumpy as I actually have been. I know this ground and still, I cannot put my feet down. I feel resistant, scared, discontent and disoriented. I find complaints are always near my tongue. And I need to let go and land but I am dangling. I want to look across the pool and see your face and BE WITH YOU. My people, most especially Stephen, are getting the sharp leftovers of my brain as I attempt to land.
Is there space for my disappointment? Is there space enough for me to absorb the mass transition so I can move on well? Is there a way to accept the radical change to our daily rhythms? Should I have known better? How many missteps did we make? How am I currently making up for the ache? How do I make right the fire in the crossover without burning all my people? Can I reconcile the competing voices in my head - one of kindness to myself that I am still in transition whiplash after a huge last few months and the second voice full of impatience and disdain for the bad attitude and discontent for what at the end of the day are first world problems (we have ample food, shelter, health, community, and work).
That's where I am this Monday morning. Wanting to start a new week refreshed and open and optimistic. And facing the reality that I'm dangling still and there is work in my heart and mind to find footing again. And I need kindness and acceptance for myself and for my people to start again today.